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Missing my husband...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by phoebe38, Nov 26, 2011.

  1. phoebe38

    phoebe38 Member

    I am very new here, just registered. I have been trying to find a forum like this for the last 2 months. On September 19th, 2011, I lost my husband to suicide. We were married for 16 years, but, were together for almost 20. We have 2 beautiful teenagers, who are in alot of pain also. My husband has had an alcohol problem for our entire marriage, but, within the last 7 years he developed a drug addiction. Through all of this, he managed to keep a job, 10 years at his last position, he was a very hard worker. He was a fabulous dad and wonderful husband. He fought his addiction to the very end, but, it just got to be too much for him, and I understand that. I really do. We have gotten though Thanksgiving, just barely, and now onto Christmas, which I am dreading, and so are the kids. EVERYTHING reminds me of him...he has the brightest smile you will ever see, and the thought that I will never see it again, makes me so sad...I have thought about ending it too, but, then I think of my kids and their lives ahead of them and I say NO, I have to be there for them. We are all in therapy, and it is helping some. I do realize that it has only been a bit over 2 months, but, it seems it just happened. He did this only three quarters of a mile from our home. which seems to make it all the more worse. Why didn't he just come home, if he was so close? Did he was just to be close to us when he did it. It just seems like such a waste of a vibrant, strong human being...my heart is broken, and I feel I will never be able to pick up the pieces, and put it back together. Thanks for listening. Its good to know I am not alone in my pain.
  2. cownes

    cownes Well-Known Member

    so sorry to hear about your husband :hug: its good you have decided to all go into therapy to help you along the process, but dont be hard on yourself for feeling the way you have, like you said its only been 2 months, take it a day at a time and it will get easier, i hope to see you around and again so sorry for your loss x
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I know we all grieve differently, but the pain can be excruciating. I lost my wife in March 2010. There are times for me when it feels like it just happened.

    Friends recommended books, which I dutifully read, but there was really no relief there. It didn't help that the people trying to advise me still had their spouses, and had never known the depth of loss that I was going through.

    I have found for myself that it does not get better, it gets different. At times I try to live within the difference, but at times I reject it.

    And the holidays just seem to accent the loss.

    I don't have any wise insights to offer, or I would use them on myself.

    I'm glad you're here, and you can PM me if you want.
  4. phoebe38

    phoebe38 Member

    Thank you so much for your responses...some days are better than others, but, it seems to just get worse, especially now, during the holidays. I try not to think about the future, only today and that seems to help. you are right lefty when you say its different. The only reason I am still here is because of my kids and that's it. I am going to write a book, eventually, when I muster up the courage. It is going to be painful, but, I think it might be necessary for my healing. My husband and I talked about writing a book with both sides of addiction. Now I can write about suicide, the affects of both drug and alcohol addiction on the family. I am not looking to make money, I am just looking for healing. I just wish he was here. :0(
  5. I'm so sorry Phoebe. I can't imagine what you must be going through but my heart goes out to you. You have your kids to hug and hold and I send you many positive waves. Please know that people here genuinely care and would do whatever they can to help you get through each day.

  6. phoebe38

    phoebe38 Member

    Its been a very difficult couple of weeks...especially yesterday, I was thinking about suicide pretty much all day long. I feel stuck...I have 2 children that I need to be here for, and cannot put them through another suicide. They are already broken beyond repair and where would they be if I did the same thing to them? So, I stay around for another day in pain and hurting so bad that they probably would be better off without me. My 16 year old son is on suicide watch, he admitted 2 weeks ago that he wanted to hang commit suicide like his dad did, in the same manner. My kids are so broken...as am I. I wake up every morning, in the same nightmare, he isn't here and he isn't coming home...and then I think about all of the memories, and that does me in for the day. Its just never ending. I just started meds 2 days ago, and I am hoping for "some" relief...I do have a question for those of you that have lost spouses to suicide, how do you shut off the memories? I know I need memories, and I want them, but, when it starts to get to be too much, how do you turn them off? I just can't...I end up crying all day...and that is no exaggeration...all day...what good am I to my kids if I am crying all day? I have lost 10 pound in 7 days, because I don't want to eat...My sister was the only one I had and she moved 1.5 hours away about a month ago, and my brother and I do not talk. My older sister, mom and father have passed...I have friends, but, they have their own lives, they care, but have better things to do than be here with me, I am such a downer...I haven't cried today, but, now the memories start and I can feel the tears coming, and it starts all over again...thanks for listening...
  7. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    Phoebe, I too lost my husband to suicide and we had been married for a long time. I have felt suicidal since then. I lost 50 lbs. after my husband died without even trying. The forum for suicide survivors online has helped me a lot. There are a lot of women with kids on there that share your story. Maybe you could find some comfort there. You are still very early in your grief. I hope this will help you some. Please take care!
  8. Joshua2803

    Joshua2803 Well-Known Member

    Awe i'm so sorry for your lost. I wanted to tell you that there will be a time when you could have a chance to see your husband's beautiful smile again. Are you a Bible reader? It can be found at John5:28,29 "All those in the memorial tombs (grave) will come out." I found comfort in this scripture when my grandfather died and i hope you found it comforting. Again im very sorry for your lost.
  9. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear about your lost. Loosing someone you love is tough. I know because I lost my mother 7 years ago. I'm glad that you know that your not alone with your pain. That's a good step forward, I tend to feel alone all the time when it comes to my problems. So, continue to remember your never alone in pain. Because there's others here who have similar problems. Once again I'm very sorry for your lost. I'm here if you want P.M me about it. I'm willing to listen to you.
  10. ZacThomas

    ZacThomas Member

    It is really heartrending to listen about your husband. I am sure that you are not alone with your pain. You have lost everything and I am very disposed to listen you. Thanks!