Missing My True Love

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by makka, Nov 27, 2006.

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  1. makka

    makka Member

    Well, here i go. First time i am sharing my true feelings with the wider world. Met a girl at uni who i fell head over heels with. We were both completely in tune with each other. Very very compatiable. She was my true love.

    Her parents married her off, (she is sikh .. i am muslim). She agreed and decided to put her family over me .. despite loving my with all her heart. I tried moving on, had a few girlfriends, nothing worked out. Got sick of it all and got an arranged marriage. Now i am in this marriage with this partner i am not happy with and don't love.

    Recently (actually 2 years ago) she (my true love) started working at the same place i was. I minimised my contact with her as much as possible (we are still on very good terms) but the feelings keep coming back. She went away .. we said good byes and then came back on a project with another company. Then this time she went away, the goodbye got even harder .. especially from my side. I opened up my true feelings to her, and its still obvious she still feels a lot for me but for her her family comes first.

    I feel empty and lost inside. When i am with her (just talking) i feel so alive and full of energy and zest. But without her i feel dead inside. I question why i am living and the point of it. I have thought of killing myself a number of times. Even tried aphyxiation with a cord but chickened out after i started getting dizzy.

    I feel worse and worse ... and feel totally lost and feel there is no point living .. plz help .. how can i get through this? I want to live .. but i also want to die ...
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I'd say try to never see her again. I have lost my true love( he walked out) and all I know is whenever we have to meet up I fall to pieces.

    At the moment life feels empty but things will change. Grieve for what you have lost and then move on.
  3. makka

    makka Member

    Thank you Devastated. I need to get her completely out of my life.

    I have thought about it long and hard. She is the one who decided not to get married... not me ... as far as i am concerned its her loss. I think she regrets her decision because every year or so she contacts me even though i try not to. She says she wants to be friends.

    I told here that i considered myself to be a fool still having these feelings when they weren't welcome. She got quite annoyed :)
  4. 2LOST2

    2LOST2 Well-Known Member

    Marquez said sth like :"The worst way to miss someone is to be stead next to the person and know you can never have him/her"

    I find this phrase very true looking at my own expariance. It is extreamly hard to keep frendship relation to a person you felt/ feel much more for. Despite all the reason you cant be together, all the feelings remain the same. It is very hurting for both sides. Care and love at one side and at the other lack of possiblility to realise it and again regrets, misunderstandings, anger vs. lack of chance to fix it explain or repair and more ...need of the person's presence in your life vs. reasons against it strong enuf to stop all.

    Love is addictive and the only way to fight addiction is to avoid the source of it, at least for some time untill feelings become less intense, untill there is distance to things that has happend, until you dont feel like fall apart each time you meet the person. Some need hours for it, some whole lifetime, there is no rule. This is the only way that works for me, the only way i have found to safe myself.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Makka that is it in a nutshell. She decided not marry you. You must be allowed to move on and FRIENDS ....I THINK NOT.

    Sometimes I think people like to keep others on a string, it's very flattering knowing that they still love you even when you don't want them.

    Stay away from her, grieve and move on. Somewhere is a wonderful girl waiting for you who won't do this to you. And good to hear you say "it's her loss". It is indeed.
  6. makka

    makka Member

    hmm .. all good advice ... but its so hard
  7. Tatara

    Tatara Active Member

    I just wanted to say I was moved by your post. Its so sad, but so sweet.

    I see love dying all around me in the world and though this love story doesn't have a happy ending it really makes me beleive in true love again.

    Thank you for sharing, I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I don't have any good advice for you but I do want you to know I have an ear for you if you ever need to talk.

    Take care of yourself.
  8. babycheeses

    babycheeses Active Member

    I agree with the above advice.

    I'm not in the same situation as you but in the past, when I've fallen for someone I know I can never have, I find it best to distance myself from them.

    I'm not sure how it works but in the long term I think you just realise that life can go on without them in yours. It's hard to acknowledge now but in time it should help.
  9. dips

    dips Active Member

    hi Makka,
    How are you now ? you said you are married but dont love your partner. do you have children ?

    I need help. A similar thing happened with me. He got married and has kid now but I cant forget him. I had got engaged but broke off because I could not stop thinking about him.

    I am not in contact with him but when I read his profile on one of the network sites, I was devasted when I knew he had a kid. Because it proves that he is having a happy enough married life. If he was not happy he would have never had a kid.

    I will wait for your reply
  10. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    HI Makka U are absolutely right when U said it is her loss. Of course U will miss the relationship right now but there are many other people out there, so please remember. that.
  11. Xian

    Xian Well-Known Member

    Obviously a lot of us can relate to this. I've learned that life goes on, no matter what happens. We fall in love, we fall out of love, we fall back in love... But that doesn't mean the love we have *for* our past is gone, in fact it is still in us all the time, and we are changed by it. So Makka, if you love her, you have to let her go. The person leaves, but the love remains and endures. You will go on...

    Asalaam Alaykum
  12. makka

    makka Member

    Hi Dips, I do have a child who i love more than anything. She also has a child. The really sad thing is that it seems after all this time it seems its all over a misunderstanding. We had lunch the other day and in passing she told "anyway, you decided that you couldn't commit so i had to decide". That is the totally the opposite of what i remember. I wanted her to decide ... because i was certain that it is what i wanted. She remembers the totally the opposite way of what happened. She is in the same position as me now. She admitted to me that all these years she kept thinking that i didnt want to ... when all these year i was thinking she didnt want. How can this be???

    Maybe she remembers it this way because it makes it easier for her .. i don't know.

    This is so sad, two people who wanted to be so dearly with each other and now because of a possible misunderstanding they are in relationships and have children. Her words "I am so torn and conflicted".

    If there is a god, why does he/she do this to us? This is not fair
  13. makka

    makka Member

    I keep thinking of the special moments .. the looks .. the touches .. the reading of minds .. the completion of each other sentences ... the caring .. the love

    I have only ever had that once. i have seeked it in other and only found partial glimpses .. if that .... tried to make myself believe ... forced myself to believe

    even now we can see right through each other ..read each others minds .. after 7 years ... she admits that i know her too well .. the defences she puts up .. that i can see right through then ... she gets annoyed that i am able to read what she is thinking .. and say it for her ...

    There is no god. If there was .. then he/she would not allow this to happen ... is this a test ... if it is ... it is mean and cruel ... and just not fair ... i am tired ... this is tearing me apart ... the only thing that keeps me going .. is my son .. his smile .. and unconditional love ... without him .. i don't know if i still would be here ...
  14. makka

    makka Member

    Dips. Maybe he is happy. Maybe he is not ...

    I had a child .. because i had this picture of my life in mind .. to complete that picture ...
  15. dips

    dips Active Member

    Its perfectly correct of you to think that she thinks that way because it makes it easier for her. I am very sure its not any misunderstanding. Its all plain bad luck more than anything else.

    God doesn’t pay attention to our pains because all this is very small for him. He has just set this world and left us all to play the game where there are highs and lows. Its upto us and the way the world has evolved to minimize these sufferings. Maybe there is some spiritual way of seeing though this pain which we have not learnt because we are not that well developed yet. You are so much in pain because you love her? Constantly you keep feeling that? What is the future? Just like this all life?

    How is your relation with your wife? Have you tried to fall in love with her? Develop an emotional intimacy with her?

    What makes you think he may not be happy ?? He got married in just six months after we parted. If he was unhappy surely he would never have had a child. He has one and it proves that he is happy ,right??!
    I am sure your son would be an adorable child.
    It was stabbing for me to know that you cant live without your son . Because I directly imagined that he too will have that for his child. He too saw his life complete in his own child.
    The most sublime thing in the world that is the endearing innocence of small child has now become an affliction for me . That will make him more settled in his life which will never make him to think of changing it. And I would never have a chance to be with him. He is married and I do the sinful task of imagining him leaving his wife and marrying me. But that’s what I survive on. I will first marry him and then kill myself in front of him. It’s the only thing in the world that can pacify me.
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