Missing my wife

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by 1Lefty, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Barely 18 months ago, I woke to find my wife Alesia lifeless. There are no words to describe that split second when I knew. I went to sleep living in one world, where I knew the language and how to act. Now, I'm in a different world, where nothing makes sense, and nothing works to adapt, I suppose it's one of those things I have to figure on my own. But without her, nothing makes sense.
    September 16 was our wedding anniversary, so I went to the cemetary with 1 red rose and a bottle of orange soda (her favorite, She got the first and last sips.
    I can't bear being without her, so 13 days ago, I chose to join her. That failed, so I spent 9 days in a psych ward.

    RIP Baby Girl
    The song for the day is "In My Life" by The Beatles
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forums, and I hope your psych ward stay was pleasant and you are truly okay for now....Alex

    R.I.P. Alesia
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you lost your dear wife lefty....R.I.P. Alesia
    18 months is so 'fresh' in your grief
    you will never 'get over' it but I hope you will find ways to cope with it and go on
    please tell us more about your wife when you feel up to it
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss...as IV said so well, I think we never get over such tragic losses...somehow we learn to live with the loss and make a life around the whole in our hearts....I loss one of my best friends a year ago, and I still wake up screaming...it does take time, and it also takes holding on to the support and caring of others...please continue to share with us, so that we can be there for you...my condolences again :pinkrose:
  5. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    "please tell us more about your wife when you feel up to it" IV2010

    I'd love to, is this the proper forum? It could be lengthy, is there a preferred length, or are several posts better?

    and as IV2010 wrote "18 months is so fresh in your grief" Exactly - but the people around me don't understand that, so for them, life just goes on and I sense that they don't understand why it doesn't for me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 9, 2011
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Please feel free to talk about her (of course, as long as the content adheres to the guidelines, which I presume it will). There is no word limit, and can be expressed in one post
  7. Bluebutterfly

    Bluebutterfly Member

    So sorry for your loss.....

    We are all here to listen to you remember the wonderful memories about your wife...
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    no they don't understand lefty and it makes it even more difficult for us to cope with our grief because of their indifference..
    There are many here who understand the loss of a loved one and empathize with you
    I hope you will continue to share your story with us *hug*
  9. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    This will be abbreviated -

    The earliest photo I saw of Alesia, she was probably 4, standing with her family, on the front steps of their home, maybe dressed for Easter. She had a wide brimmed hat, and arm just starting to raise, maybe to shield her eyes from the sun, but I like to think it was the start of a wave, like "Hiya world, lets be friends" and the most glorious smile I've ever seen.
    It was about 30 years later that I first saw that smile in person, I had flown out to Los Angeles/Long Beach to check job prospects. She was setting up a Scrabble game on a card table just outside her apartment, and asked if I'd like to play. So I sat, thinking my vocabulary would give me an edge, but she soundly beat me. But what a wonderful defeat, our conversation ranged over a good many topics, including one we were both passionate about - music. I thought I knew a lot about music, but she knew much more. Show tunes, classical, rock, soul, jazz, gospel choirs, Barbara Streisand, Frank Sinatra. She had a delightful personality, and I asked for her number, to keep in touch.
    I waited about a week after I got back home to call, and we got into another deep conversation. A couple of days later, another call, another intriguing conversation. At some point we talked about literature, and personal beliefs, finding out that we both had The Desiderata on a wall, and both used it often, inspiration to get through the day.
    Within a few weeks, it was daily calls, sometimes she would call just before I got home from work, just to leave a greeting on my answering machine so that hers would be the first voice I heard and hoped that I had a great day at work. Around this time, I think our phone bills were about $300 a month, and neither of us minded. I would occasionally send her small things I had written, or sometimes muffins or mini-loaves of exotic bread from a local bakery. And things were starting to turn romantic - one day she asked if I liked her like she liked me, of course I answered yes, and I could hear her actually jumping around her apartment, making joyful noise. I think the relationship grew so well because of the distance, as sex didn't play a part. Pretty soon we were signing cards or emails with our name, then underneath "FFL 24/7" with the FFL standing for "Friends for Life" and of course the 24/7 meant all day, all week long.
    That's just the beginning, but enough for now.
  10. Bluebutterfly

    Bluebutterfly Member

    Aw lefty, that sounds so perfect.... You write with such passion about her, its very clear that your adored her.

    When you feel ready, i'd love to hear more.
  11. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    ok. well, having established deep affection for each other, I was ready for the next step, a few days together. But Alesia seemed to be slowing the pace. I was due for hernia surgery, and she finally agreed that if I followed all doctor's instructions, and was ready for the flight, some driving and walking, we could spend 5 of my final sick days together in beauteous Long Beach CA.
    Surgery was about this time of year, and I was hobbling around with ice packs when Alesia suggested an imaginative long-distance date - we each would rent "Shawshank Redemption" (her favorite, I had not seen it). Also picked up bags of York Peppermint Patties. We called, then cued up our movies as closely as we could and watched together, sometimes she explained details I might have missed, or alerted me pay special attention to an upcoming scene. One of the best dates I've ever had.
    Time was closing in on my flight, and we counted down the days until. I also let her know that I had a reservation at a local hotel, just in case the "click" didn't happen or if she was apprehensive about sharing her studio with me.
    We met at the appointed spot, and it was immediate, spontaneous embrace and she whispered "Oh, Bob, lets go home" and we did, to an immaculate room, furnished in rattan and subtle pastels. I also noted some cast iron cookware and stoneware jars (both favorites of mine as well). And she had a sofa which I would have found acceptable, but she made it clear that my place was in bed with her (as long as her tossing didn't irritate my incisions).
    We hit some of her favorite thrift shops (one of my favorite local shopping spots also). As we became more comfortable with each other, she admitted that one concern she had was whether I would find her extra pounds unattractive. There was her perception of herself as "damaged goods" after a fall down a flight of concrete stairs and blowing out both knees. Then there was the matter of race, background and cultures-she an African American, raised in a city,with an affluent family, then me, a white guy from
    the WonderBread white suburbs and family that was probably lower middle class.
    The time flew, and as I walked down to the garage, her knees were painful and she couldn't come for a goodbye. She later admitted that she burst into tears as soon as I was out of the door, and didn't want that to happen in front of me in the parking garage.
    I called as soon as I got home, to let her know I arrived safely. And if it wasn't that call, it was soon after, when I just plainly told her "I want to be with you" and she wanted to be with me, so all we had to do was figure out how to make it happen.
  12. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I think I mentioned the phone messages she would leave for me. I had kept some of the tapes, not discovered again until after she passed. I pulled one out a few minutes ago and basked in the sweetness and affection she left for me. And it just kept getting better throughout our marriage.
    But I really needed her gentle voice, her encouragement because today was a bad day - compared to an early melt-down day before my last attempt. I'm not there now, but am missing my friend's and family support, I've been made aware that they're more my "monitors" and any wrong phrase, mood or vibes could land me back in the psych ward. Makes it hard to confide in them.
    I don't know what was with today, more weepy than usual, I saw a firetruck and almost couldn't see to drive. A firetruck with medics was the first on the scene when I called 911 that morning. But so many tears and pain. I dreamt last night that she was sleeping in bed with me. So vivid, but so raw when I awoke, blessing and a curse. Crying all day (as many before) imploring her "Alesia, come get me" "Just open your arms and I'll come"
    My sisters laid a very effective guilt trip on me, as the responsibility and example I would set for my nieces, nephews and cousins. Unanswered was the question of what happens if my own pain exceeds that of the cumulative pain of those left behind. Am I expected to continue bearing it for the comfort and security of others? And then what about the example I could set as a bitter old man? Or the shells of humans I've seen in psych wards and rest homes? Or the wreckage of myself if I returned to alcohol?
    Almost 19 months of no solace, no joy in this new world I abhor. Sorry for the self-pity, I needed to vent.

    Sincerely, blessings to all.

    The song of the day is "Watching the River Run" by Loggins and Messina
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    a beautiful love story lefty...
    I'm sorry I haven't been around much...not doing well myself..
    thanks for sharing your story with us..

    My sisters laid a very effective guilt trip on me, as the responsibility and example I would set for my nieces, nephews and cousins. Unanswered was the question of what happens if my own pain exceeds that of the cumulative pain of those left behind. Am I expected to continue bearing it for the comfort and security of others? And then what about the example I could set as a bitter old man? Or the shells of humans I've seen in psych wards and rest homes?
    this hit the spot for me ..I can relate to that

    I guess we have to stay as long as we can for others and at the same time work on trying to change our lives..
    sounds like you have many people who love and care for you and who would sadly miss you..

    I've been told that the second year of grief is harder than the first and in my case it's true..
    the old cliche everyone uses is 'give it time'
    what else can we do with our grief but do that?!
  14. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Dear IV2010 - I have a special gratitude for those who made me feel welcome (as you did) and I'd be willing listen to as much of your story or day or hour as you wish, PM if you prefer. I'm still finding my way around here (and a SLOW typist, too) so it may take me a few minutes, but it's a sincere offer.
  15. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: I'm sorry for your loss. It is hard to lose a person we loved so dearly. I'm really glad you had a beautiful your relationship with your wife. Her love actually continues because you remember her.

    I can't say how long it will hurt, but it does stop aching the same way eventually. It's as though we have a scar on a nerve. It's there, it hurts if it gets hit, but not like the open wound did. It takes time, so allow yourself that time.

    Know that you're not alone. Thinking of you. :arms:
  16. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Thank you. All I'm holding onto now is the experience of those who have traveled this path before, so thanks. It's certainly not easy, but shows that at least some can do it.
  17. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry for your loss, you have my condolences. As hard as it is to lose someone very close to us, time will heal all wounds. It's just getting through the first bit of it that is the hardest.
  18. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    And then, out of nowhere, comes today, not a "good" day, but one without the outward emotions, no tears, no screaming, hitting my steering wheel, etc. The grief is still gnawing inside, I can feel it just under the surface. No special reason, no significant songs, nothing outwardly different from yesterday's train wreck. But a chance to draw a breath before being submerged again.

    Or maybe there is a reason or I'm clutching at straws, it is our eldest niece's birthday (Alesia's favorite) who knows? I'll accept this day for what it is, and when tomorrow comes, I hope I can accept it for whatever it is.
  19. cclv04

    cclv04 New Member

    1Lefty, you are in my thoughts.

    This also hit home for me:
    Unanswered was the question of what happens if my own pain exceeds that of the cumulative pain of those left behind. Am I expected to continue bearing it for the comfort and security of others? And then what about the example I could set as a bitter old man?
  20. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Thank you lefty1, I appreciate your caring offer..I'm here if you want to pm anytime as well, although I have so much other stuff happening in my life besides my grief, that I'm afraid I will give others the impression that you cannot survive the 'loss' of a loved one....

    I say 'survive' because I don't know if we ever truly 'get over it'....but it is possible that we can get through the grief to a place where we can live with it, and it doesn't hurt so much or so often and then we can move forward with our lives..
    Oh it sounds like I've seen too many therapists doesn't it..:)

    I read somewhere once that the depth of our pain equals the love we had for our lost loved one..
    so true!

    grief has a habit of catching us unawares just when we think we're coping 'ok'
    I hope you'll stick around and keep reaching out here