Missing peace

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Becky.Miller, Aug 18, 2015.

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  1. Becky.Miller

    Becky.Miller New Member

    My choice, My life, I'm useless, and a burden to everyone around me. I sad. I'm alone. No one ever undrstood me like Terry. I actually miss him, and it pisses me off. I've realized I miss the kind ship we had. I lost my children from divorce. I lost my WORLD. I lost my best friend even though he isn't normal. He was my other half. I accepted him for is faults, and how he LOVED ME. I don't blame Cheryl anymore. She wanted her son back. I thought I had done just that, but I wasn't going to make him someone he wasn't. I feel like my mother hates me. She can be so kind with things. Giving to my children. But so controlling, and never wants to hear my voice. My soul. It's not normal. I can't continue in this pain. I'm so alone in this world. I not only miss the best friend who was a hoarder and mean to others, but was always my best friend. We didn't talk about problems. We didn't fight. Cause he would distort my home.

    I think I'm so confused. My father doesn't have opinions except today at the gas station. I don't understand what happened? I went inside got a coffee, Splenda tea, 2 caramel candy bars, 1, and 2 pure sugar candy bars. And an almond joy. I don't understand what happened. I felt so dirty so disgusting because he started demanding to know what I purchased. I told him but left off the candy. He always says I need sugar and I was dizzy, but I had just had a spinal injection, and wasn't thinking clearly so I didn't answer him. I have been crying about this all day because it felt like he was accusing me of stealing. MY WORSE FEAR IN LIFE. TO BE ACCUSED OF STEALING.

    When I was a small child I wanted a snack. I remember walking to my grandmas and asking for a snack. She told me to climb on the bar and there would be some saltine crackers to get some for a snack. If I remember correctly my cousin jack Dewayne was with me, and Grandma Hart was outside doing yard work or working with the saint benard dogs.not sure which?

    But later that day it could have been minutes maybe hours I don't know. When my father got home he asked " CARLA DID YOU TAKE SOMETHING TODAY THAT WASNT YOURS?" With tears in his eyes. I said NO SIR. HE SAID " what about the crackers?" I responded grandpa told me I could have some. Back then money was tight I guess because I do remember when we got crackers we could only have a HAND FULL about 5. We took the entire sleeve bag, and went behind the house and ate them. I told him what we did, and he said " CARLA THAT IS STEALING " when someone says continually u can only have so many no matter if you are watched that number stays the same". I began to cry and cry and cry. STEALing FROM SOMEONE EVEN AT THAT AGE Wasnt IN MY NATURE". I remember my father handing me a sleeve of crackers, and told me we were going to visit grandma, and return what I had stolen. So I DID JUST THAT. WATCHING THE DISAPPOINTMENT IN MY FATHERS FACE WAS ALL I NEEDED TO SEE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I never again would ask for a snack from anyone but my parents. This event has stayed with me throughout my entire life! I wouldn't ever purposely steal from anyone. Ever. I still today feel the sadness from my childhood actions. So today at the gas station felt just like that same day way back when I was a little girl. He still want tell me what he wanted to know at the gas station.

    I'm grateful to have that imbedded in my brain, but today like many other days. I don't feel worthy of life. I think if I move from here I will get mentally stronger. So in my prayers tonight and every night I pray the LORD allows me to move one and become my own person. Until then the depression from being depended on my 70+ parents scares the crap out of me everyday. I want to be loved and taken care of by some other then them. I want my own place. I want a life that doesn't include I've lived in the same neighborhood my entire childhood and adult life. People don't like me at all. I pick up on you are so annoying feeling with everyone. Never with my x. But he never gave me a future either. So depended on there and the old money he will inherit when his grandparents and parents die. Just waiting for his goldmine. I just want a chance to stand on my own to feet away from the road I've always lived on. I continually think about death. I have no happiness that's worth talking about. The one person I'm close to is a severe alcoholic and has no idea of the damage he does while he's intoxicated. He has destroyed our relationship through beer. I'm realizing this now. It can't be undone unless he quits drinking. He's been an alcoholic his entire life. Tonight I would have anything to have the power to put an end date on my life. I've had enough. I'm just a burden on 2 amazing people. Who hate the daughter I am, and has replaced me with my own amazing daughter. She is everything I have dreamed of becoming and being. I don't blame them. My son is trying so hard to find his place. I worry about him because his spirit is as fragile as my very one. I see such sadness in his eyes. I just pray I let him know he gold, and I think his life means so much. I just wish he had the desire to work, and support his life. It's time. He's to old to be bumming of others just like me.

    I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate the pain, I hate my children are not here, I hate LIFE, I HAVE NO MEANS TO SUPPORT MYSELF DECENTLY. THAT MAKES ME UN NEEDED. AND ITS TIME TO FLY AWAY TO THE HEAVENS ABOVE.
     
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry to hear you are in pain, but you write well. Here's a hug: :hug:
     
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