Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by finderskeepers, Aug 19, 2010.

  1. finderskeepers

    finderskeepers New Member

    Hello, um, this is the first time i have tried this type of release but i had to find something so hopefully this helps. two years ago (it doesn't seem that long) my big brother died. I immediately flew out to where he lived and from that moment have "put off" grieving for him because i've occupied my emotions with something else. First, i was appointed as his legal representor so i had a ton of attorney stuff to do and money to pay. that kept me busy and even though i cried from time to time i just kept pushing it back, promising myself that after i finished with his stuff i'd grieve for him.
    We would talk all the time and i knew he was suicidal because, well, he told me a ton of times but i was always able to talk him out of it. He absolutely adored my little girl and told me hundreds of times that the photos i sent him of her kept him alive. i guess the stress of trying to keep him alive and assured of my love for him wore on me and i would almost dread hearing from him, which i now regret wholeheartedly. two weeks before he died he called, either drunk or high on something, and told me of some things he wanted me to do when he was gone. one of them was for me to sing two songs: Live by Celine Dion, at the viewing of his body with our family and Please remember me by Tim McGraw at the spreading of his ashes. He always bragged about my singing voice and asked me to please "honor him" by sending him off with a beautiful song. Although it was the hardest thing i have ever done, i did sing for him and then...lost my voice. it's been two years and i have not gotten it back yet completely. My singing voice was the one thing about myself that i absolutely loved and now i'm struggling with feelings of anger toward him for asking me to sing under such duress and also hating him for asking me in his farewell letter to "remember him" to my two babies. How the hell am i supposed to to that? I feel like he left me with such a burden and yet not a day passes that i don't think about what i could have done to stop him and i miss him SO VERY MUCH. i hate that my children will be grown by the time i see him again on God's new earth. and while the resurrection hope is wonderful it still leaves us here progressing while he's just dead, sleeping, and missing it all. Why did he have to be so selfish, why couldn't he, for once, think about someone besides himself. I love you so much Luke, and i will ache for you every day until i see you again. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo :-(
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    so sorry for your loss.

    also sorry i can't say anything to make it better, but do know you're not unheard.

    stay strong.
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    You are doing the right thing by dealing with these issues. Repressing them would do more damage than dealing with them in my opinion. I would take some time to either write a letter to him telling him everything that is on your mind just to get it out, or to go somewhere secluded and scream what you wanna say to get it off your chest. Prayer is needed in both situations in my book. Time heals all wounds or so they say, but I know with prayer it can happen a lot sooner. Don't give up the faith! Hang in there and take it all up to Yah in prayer. He will help you. Don't beat yourself up for your actions I know that it must have been hard for you, and what is done is done. :hug: Blessings..
  4. Joey's sister

    Joey's sister Member

    Oh my, do I understand what you're saying. My brother passed away in June and I have so many mixed emotions about the way he left us. I am sorry your singing voice has gone...maybe it's all the stress and emotion you are feeling and it's in your head....who knows. Have you seen a doctor? My best friends father developed polyps on his vocal chords and required surgery to get his voice back.
    I am here to talk if you ever want to.