So I wanted to write a bit of a breakdown of who I really am. But I couldn't... I don't know why I found it so hard to do, but I just could not find a way to put who I am down on paper... or on screen if you prefer. That's kind of the problem I've been having, going off on tangents, smaller ones first, then bigger and bigger ones, until I lose what I'm trying to write. I guess we'll start with the obvious. I'm fucked up. Everyone here, in one way or another, is. Please don't take me wrongly, I don't mean it in a bad way, but to come to a place like this, life must at some point have screwed you over. The reason I start writing from there is because I feel it's something that needs to be said sometimes. When we, any of us, start measuring our lives in comparison to others who haven't been through the sort of pain we have suffered, we are always going to come up short in some way. And between each of us, with our multitude of differences, there is also always that feeling of inadequacy somehow. I know I have seen on this site people who have been through things so bad I dread to imagine it, and on the other side of that people so talented it makes me ashamed to even try to produce creative works. I guess I am saying this as much for myself as for anyone else, to make sure when looking at who I am I do so honestly, but without unnecessary prejudice. I will never become as good as some people, nor hopefully will I ever have to experience the sort of pain others have. Who I can be is restricted by who I am, the sum of my genetics, my learning, my experience, and most importantly, my pain. The reason that is most important, is because it is the hardest thing to go beyond, but also the most important thing to overcome. I have overcome a lot of it, but it just keeps coming. Life cannot exist without pain, but that trade-off between the two is what often plagues my thoughts. How much pain can I endure and still choose to live? Because in the end it will always be a choice. It turns out that I can take far more than I ever imagined I could, but no capacity for pain is infinite. So understanding that, the first thing I need to do is look at the pain in my life, and how I can resolve it or reduce it. To sum it all up, I'm alone, living in a place which holds a lot of pain for me, without the means for now to get out, am still putting the pieces back together after heartbreak, as well as the ever present thoughts of depression, self-harm and suicide. I've considered the distant past so often that it's time to try to focus elsewhere, on the present, and on the future. The present: Right now what I am doing is job hunting. This is, I think, the key first step I have to succeed in to do anything else. And after over a month, I am honestly disheartened by the lack of progress on this front. I apply to many places, usually several applications a day at least. I know with the economy how it is, I cannot expect miracles, but without an income I am reliant on living in an unsafe environment. I've never been the sort to look for outside aid, so I'm not looking towards benefits or anything like that. In truth I think the system here makes it close to impossible for someone in my situation to get them anyway. So, a job is the key. And the truth is there is no reason that I should not get one. I'm university educated, with a good degree classification, along with reasonable grades elsewhere. I have several years experience in a retail environment, which while not great, can certainly be useful in many roles. And I am not being picky about the sort of work I apply for; alongside the graduate type jobs I'm applying for regular office work, retail work, in fact most jobs which meet the requirement of having a good number of hours (30-40), with the only exception of restaurant work and cold-calling call centre work (due to specific anxieties about those two situations). Am I doing anything wrong here? I guess I ask because this is as much about seeing what other people say, as seeing what I say. I rightly don't trust my mind so much in this, because of the strong negative self-image I have. The truth is without a job, I don't know what I'll do, and it's getting close to a crunch point on this, where I feel like I have run out of time. I cannot endure in this environment forever. And I know how it seems from the outside, killing myself because I don't have a job seems... trivial I guess, but it's not that. It's that it's the first hurdle that I need to get past to get to a point where my life is acceptable, and without that, the weight of everything is what will kill me. I guess I have to keep looking beyond that though, and at the other pertinent factors in my life which I need to deal with. Loneliness. Such an obvious one for most of us, but right now I have no-one in real life to even call a friend. And I've spent years in truth isolated from everyone, the relationship I lost was... well was very unhealthy for me, it was always restrictive and suppressive rather than a positive thing in my life, but I came to very much rely on that emotional attachment, to the point where I had to endure a lot of self-delusion to keep at it. I can look back now and see it was inevitable that it would end, as much as it hurts to have done so. And the truth is in that, a lot of the fault is mine. I am a naturally quiet and closed off person, I try hard to be more than that, but am so easily discouraged. As much as I am loath to rely on people, the truth is that I think I need a relationship to be able to grow... I think I always knew that, so managed to make myself accept a damaging one, because the alternative was complete loneliness. I can't pretend I have not grown somewhat in the years of it, but... I don't think a lot of the growth was the sort I need. And the truth is I look at myself and don't see how I could ever find someone else. I don't mean today, or tomorrow, I mean ever. What do I have to offer anyone? Looks? Ha, not a chance of it. I might not be the ugliest guy in the universe, but I am hardly a looker, am overweight... over-overweight even. I'm getting grey hairs, and I'm in my twenties for fuck sake. My skin is an absolute mess. So, personality maybe? Most of the time I am anxious and quiet, but I honestly prefer that guy because when I can push myself to be outgoing, I'm... annoying. I mean I do have a sense of humour, though it tends to lean towards the sardonic, and I try my best to be a good person... though I tend to fail in that if I am honest. And without any money, I'm neither going to be able to attract someone based on my status and security, or even afford to spend time with anyone if I did by some miracle of either poor judgement or alcohol on their part, find someone who could stand me. And yes, this is kind of the negative self-image talking, but it's all true too. Friendships... I don't know, again I'm rather annoying, so real life friendships would be out, if I was able to find some in the first place. Being gone from here for years means that every acquaintance I used to have (and there weren't many), has long since gone. So I start from scratch, and I don't know how to do that. How do you find friends when you aren't in education, or in work. Classes and clubs, again besides the money issue, don't really seem like they would work as well as people say. Randomly talking to strangers in the street perhaps? Cuckoo! Cuckoo! In this I guess the internet has somewhat been my saving grace. I can control the crazy and the badness, and come across like a fairly normal person. So I have made a couple of friends, which probably mean far more to me than they should, so I am not completely alone. In truth, I have spent most of my life with the vast majority of my social time spent online, so I don't know how big a deal it is. My mind just tells me that by now it should be. But even then I struggle... I'm not good at reaching out to people, at helping people, as much as I want to. I like to think that I am a good person to talk to, but I just don't make that first step. Almost always when I am talking to people, it's them and not me who starts the conversation, who makes that first step, and often makes the conversation last. I hate that I can't do that, and I also fear that it makes some people have a very bad opinion of me on here. It's a small and very particular flaw which... I don't know how to deal with, because it's not as simple as saying just to do it. There are probably hundreds of thoughts that go round in my head about why I shouldn't do it, and some of them are valid, some of them aren't, but when they are all there, I don't know which ones to listen to, so err on the side of caution I guess... sorry, this bit has started to turn in to a rant, and that wasn't my intent. I guess those are the two biggest factors things right now I need to look at and sort out in my life, but I don't know where to start. Should I even bother with people, when I probably wont last long enough without a job for it to matter? But I know that friendships... well they keep me stronger, knowing I'm not alone, so is it worth finding them for that reason? Or is that even just a stupid and selfish reason to find friends? I guess this brings us on to the elephant in the room. Suicide... fuck, how simple would my life be if that wasn't an option... as much as people say it isn't, it is. I can stop fighting, I can stop the pain at last, and just kill myself. Without that, then it would just be a matter of finding a way to move forward, waiting as long as it took. But with it... it seems almost inevitable. If I don't find a job, I die. If I find a job, and can't move out of here, I die. If I find a job, move out of here, but can't rebuild my life from that point, I die. At every stage death is an answer. I mean lets put it in to numbers. Lets say it's a 50/50 chance at each stage. Even with this short list of outcomes, and ignoring all the other stuff which drives me to wanting to kill myself, that's 87.5% chance of death. I know it's arbitrary, but the situation I need to be in eventually to consider my life to be worth living, looking forward to the future, is one where I have a good, stable job, living comfortably in my own place, where I am in a positive healthy relationship with someone, and with a few friends. I guess... I'm starting to break down at this point, because look at it. That's me telling myself to look at it, sorry. I look at it, and I see it's a normal, boring, average life. I mean there is so much more I would like to do, that would make me even happier, but what to me is a normal acceptable life, is just a boring, average, not at all overly ambitious or aspirational existence. And the chances of me ever getting to that point are almost 0 because death is and always will be an option. And that's what it always comes back to, and that's what my mind always comes back to. And that's why I can't even write up some rational, well thought out idea of where my life is and where it is going because death is there. It's there, and I hate it, but I want it so badly too. And if my life is so certain to end up in that, why bother to keep trying all this stuff... I don't know... I guess this was a mistake... thinking is a mistake, wanting to make my life move forward is a mistake, and writing over 2000 words and end up making myself feel far worse at the end than at the beginning is definitely a fucking mistake.