Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by misunderstood1835, May 20, 2013.

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  1. misunderstood1835

    misunderstood1835 New Member

    I feel like everything I believe in is either wrong or mistaught. I am bi-sexual only because maybe one day I can be with a boy. That will make my family happy. In all honesty I'm lesbian..but that's the least bit of my problem. Making a very stupid decision led to my raping at 15. That led to me cutting myself I hope the pain from the cuts will take myind off everything else. I use to just cut away thinking why am I so stupid and fat and ugly. I'm not fat like obese. But its how I see myself. Always have. When my mom use to shout about how she wished I just kill myself or when my dad jumped on me or when my grandma disowned me...it really broke me..I stopped the cutting but I yearn to cut sometimes. I'm now 19 in college but being a christian lesbian with an ugly past scares me. I feel really ugly and fat at times to. I gained freshman 15 so IG I'm out of control now. Idk. Ppl say I'm not fat but thick but I feel like I way 500pounds. And I'm so ugly God. I feel likeI would've been happier in heaven .the reason I haven't killed myself now is because I'm afraid of hell. IDK what's wrong with me. I'm so broken .
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Sweetie ( I hope its okay to call you that) there is nothing wrong with YOU. There is a lot wrong with the people who hurt you. Did they cause wounding to you? Of course. you know they did. Wounding that shows in how you feel about yourself. A mother who shouts to her daughter that she wishes she would just kill herself? Thats very serious wounding. And from what you wrote, she was not the only family member doing the wounding.

    It seems like maybe you on some level know that how you see yourself may not be the real truth of who you are or really what you look like. Many survivors of abuse turn to food for comfort and control over soothing. I know I did.
    You said "Making a very stupid decision led to my raping at 15" i hope you are not blaming yourself for being raped. Because that would be putting the blame on the wrong person.

    If you are having trouble with being Bi or lesbian, there is a great website you can go to ( along with coming here of course). its called the Trevor project. Trevor was a gay teenager who committed suicide. The Trevor project was born from that. The mission statement is to help teens who are GBLT. there is a hotline. As well as online chat with people who help. I found the website one day when I was looking for help for a young gay guy who was reaching out for help on another forum. I gave him the info of where to call. He said they really helped him.

    I know you think you are broken. And believe me, I know that feeling all too well. But perhaps it's your family that is more broken. And you will find your way to healing those deep wounds and scars they and others infllicted on you. I am glad you are here. This is a really nice place. Caring people. I am glad you are alive. Please stay safe. So you can have a chance to heal that good heart of yours.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi misunderstood flowers is right you are not the one that is wrong here You have been attacked and attacked and that has led you to be so fragile and broken
    I do hope hun you can talk to someone at the college a councilor there someone you trust ok to get some support to help you heal
    You deserve happiness hun and peace and with help with support you can reach that you can hun You keep talking here ok you keep reaching out here so others who can relate h un can support you as well safe hugs to you if that is ok hugs
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