I feel like everything I believe in is either wrong or mistaught. I am bi-sexual only because maybe one day I can be with a boy. That will make my family happy. In all honesty I'm lesbian..but that's the least bit of my problem. Making a very stupid decision led to my raping at 15. That led to me cutting myself I hope the pain from the cuts will take myind off everything else. I use to just cut away thinking why am I so stupid and fat and ugly. I'm not fat like obese. But its how I see myself. Always have. When my mom use to shout about how she wished I just kill myself or when my dad jumped on me or when my grandma disowned me...it really broke me..I stopped the cutting but I yearn to cut sometimes. I'm now 19 in college but being a christian lesbian with an ugly past scares me. I feel really ugly and fat at times to. I gained freshman 15 so IG I'm out of control now. Idk. Ppl say I'm not fat but thick but I feel like I way 500pounds. And I'm so ugly God. I feel likeI would've been happier in heaven .the reason I haven't killed myself now is because I'm afraid of hell. IDK what's wrong with me. I'm so broken .