Wasn't sure if there was an actual reason to post on here but I think I will feel relieved if I type out what's going through my mind - the same way as venting out anger etc. My mind has been pretty messed up since November-ish. Work pressures tipped me over the edge back in January and I want to end it all, to escape, to start over (I'm not religious but for some reason I believe you come back once you're gone). There were so many ways I wanted to try, any that would be painless. My Dad works for a swimming pool company and the idea of downing any water treatment chemical came into my mind. I did seek help, from my doctor, who was very supportive. They signed me off work for a week and I've been on 100mg Sertraline since January. After 3 attempts to go back to work, first I drove past work and just kept driving. Drove non stop for 2 hours, looking at every opportunity to just crash head on into a tree or anything that wouldn't harm anyone else on the road. I ended up driving to the hospital and sat in my car for an hour until I plucked the strength to call my Mum. The second attempt to go to work, I had a panic attack at home that morning whilst getting ready. The third attempt, and this is going to sound pathetic and stupid but I purposely left my phone on my bed and went and hid in our garage, in the dark. I was in there for a few hours until my Dad found me curled in the corner shaking. It was February so it was cold. After failing to get back to work, I handed in my notice. This was a joint decision with my parents as they believed it would help as I wouldn't have to think about going back. In March, my parents took me for a 2 week holiday to get some sun and relax in The Gambia. I must say, it really did me good. I was starting to perk up, my parents could see it too. Once we came back, I decided I needed to move on and get back into a new job and become normal again. I went through an agency and in 2 weeks, I had an interview and was in a job. I won't lie, I was extremely nervous before my interview but once I was in there, I knew I had to get myself together. I have been at my new job for 2 months now. It does get stessfull at time but overall I think I enjoy it. The thing is, now and again, I reflect back on what has happened so far this year. Instead of feeling happy that I've started to get back to my normal self, I think of what I felt like before, with the suicidal idealation. I sometimes still feel like I should end it so I can start over fresh. I still get the knots in my stomach that make my pulse race and my breathing heavy. Does it never truly go away? Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason at all. And sometimes I just want to crash my car into a tree.