Mixed Emotions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stickny, Jun 9, 2014.

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  1. Stickny

    Stickny New Member

    Wasn't sure if there was an actual reason to post on here but I think I will feel relieved if I type out what's going through my mind - the same way as venting out anger etc.

    My mind has been pretty messed up since November-ish. Work pressures tipped me over the edge back in January and I want to end it all, to escape, to start over (I'm not religious but for some reason I believe you come back once you're gone). There were so many ways I wanted to try, any that would be painless. My Dad works for a swimming pool company and the idea of downing any water treatment chemical came into my mind.

    I did seek help, from my doctor, who was very supportive. They signed me off work for a week and I've been on 100mg Sertraline since January. After 3 attempts to go back to work, first I drove past work and just kept driving. Drove non stop for 2 hours, looking at every opportunity to just crash head on into a tree or anything that wouldn't harm anyone else on the road. I ended up driving to the hospital and sat in my car for an hour until I plucked the strength to call my Mum.

    The second attempt to go to work, I had a panic attack at home that morning whilst getting ready.

    The third attempt, and this is going to sound pathetic and stupid but I purposely left my phone on my bed and went and hid in our garage, in the dark. I was in there for a few hours until my Dad found me curled in the corner shaking. It was February so it was cold.

    After failing to get back to work, I handed in my notice. This was a joint decision with my parents as they believed it would help as I wouldn't have to think about going back.

    In March, my parents took me for a 2 week holiday to get some sun and relax in The Gambia. I must say, it really did me good. I was starting to perk up, my parents could see it too.

    Once we came back, I decided I needed to move on and get back into a new job and become normal again. I went through an agency and in 2 weeks, I had an interview and was in a job. I won't lie, I was extremely nervous before my interview but once I was in there, I knew I had to get myself together.

    I have been at my new job for 2 months now. It does get stessfull at time but overall I think I enjoy it.

    The thing is, now and again, I reflect back on what has happened so far this year. Instead of feeling happy that I've started to get back to my normal self, I think of what I felt like before, with the suicidal idealation. I sometimes still feel like I should end it so I can start over fresh. I still get the knots in my stomach that make my pulse race and my breathing heavy. Does it never truly go away? Sometimes I feel like crying for no reason at all. And sometimes I just want to crash my car into a tree.
     
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I think that the way you are feeling is understandable. In my experience mental health changes us and even when we begin the recovery process and start getting better and back to our normal selves, we are never quite the same person we once were. So in some ways we grieve the loss of the person we once were, if that makes sense. But it's important to remember that even people who are well change over time, change is normal and not necessarily a bad thing. The important thing to remember here is to be proud of what you have achieved. You have been through a difficult time and have tried very hard to get well again and you are getting there. It takes time to recover from mental illness, this is only the beginning and things do get a lot better.
     
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