Mixed feelings

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Crue-K, Feb 12, 2008.

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  1. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    The past 2 days I have gone down to the river, seriously thinking of jumping in and breathing in, it would be so easy. I can't get it out of mind. The past week or so I have been a lot happier after coming out of my last depressive spell. I can't seem to accept that my current happiness could last. I think maybe that I am scared of being happy as I know down the line my heart will be ripped out and I will be in so much anguish again. I hate it when I start crying when i'm on my own, I’m 32 or fuck's sake, I shouldn't be crying at my age. I do really want to find happiness but just have a pessimistic view that it will ever last. If I keep going to the river sooner or later I really do think I will give in and jump, I don't think I won't to but the feelings are so strong. It's as if my sub conscious self is willing me to not accept my current happiness and do it. I have immensley strng suicidal feelings before, but this really is different, I am not supposed to feel suicidal when I am happy. Aaaaarrrggghhh what is going on, I can't bear it. I know if I don't kill myself I destined to be another loser drifting through this shit world. I just want to be able to seize this opportunity and try and be happy again. I'm not going to ring my CPN or Psych as couldn't bear to be in hospital again. Fuck know's what i'm going to do. I hate my fucking life.
  2. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    didn't you tell me a while ago that you want to take revenge against the bastards who made your life hell ? Spite is one of the biggest things that drove me, you should try it too. One of the things I have been trying to do is to turn my depression into hate, hate for the people who used to screw with me every day of my entire childhood, teenage and youth until I almost contemplated ending my life. I live not because I love it, but also because I know it must piss those people off (at least a little bit) to see me PROVE them wrong. They probably expect that I will die soon but I won't let that happen. Revenge is not a good thing, but it does give me SOMETHING to live
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 12, 2008
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    don't jump. how about... for now... don't walk by the river? i know about fighting strong impulses. i'm doing an outpatient program with a community psych nurse, it's helping way better than visits to the psych ever did. i just do the basics - walk, fresh air, trying to break the isolation (hah that's not easy) and i stay away from the river, i really do. when i go out for a walk now i walk uphill away from the river!


    ps i'm 42 and some days i still cry....
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