The past 2 days I have gone down to the river, seriously thinking of jumping in and breathing in, it would be so easy. I can't get it out of mind. The past week or so I have been a lot happier after coming out of my last depressive spell. I can't seem to accept that my current happiness could last. I think maybe that I am scared of being happy as I know down the line my heart will be ripped out and I will be in so much anguish again. I hate it when I start crying when i'm on my own, I’m 32 or fuck's sake, I shouldn't be crying at my age. I do really want to find happiness but just have a pessimistic view that it will ever last. If I keep going to the river sooner or later I really do think I will give in and jump, I don't think I won't to but the feelings are so strong. It's as if my sub conscious self is willing me to not accept my current happiness and do it. I have immensley strng suicidal feelings before, but this really is different, I am not supposed to feel suicidal when I am happy. Aaaaarrrggghhh what is going on, I can't bear it. I know if I don't kill myself I destined to be another loser drifting through this shit world. I just want to be able to seize this opportunity and try and be happy again. I'm not going to ring my CPN or Psych as couldn't bear to be in hospital again. Fuck know's what i'm going to do. I hate my fucking life.