Mixed feelings

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Madison_Rose, Aug 25, 2009.

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  1. Madison_Rose

    Madison_Rose Active Member

    On the one hand, I don't really want to die right now. On the other hand, I can't stop casting around for methods. Like, when I'm out for a walk, I'll see a poisonous plant and wonder if that would be a good method (it wouldn't - too painful and risky) or I'll hear about a 19th century drug and wonder if I can make it, or I hear about a modern drug and wonder if I can get hold of it.

    Now I've worked out a painless method using something that would be easy to get hold of, and I kind of wish I hadn't. No, I haven't bought what I need.
     
  2. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Madison_Rose,

    I'm sorry to hear about the thoughts you've been experiencing.

    I know what it's like to be where you are and it's not pleasant. May I suggest trying to focus on things in a positive way. For instance i have thoughts when I see a plant that may kill me. However, when I see a fruit tree i think this fruit will taste really nice.

    Also when I see an object which could be dangerous, I think maybe I could make something nice with this object. Maybe I could you use it for good.

    May I also suggest trying to write down these thoughts you're having and maybe underneath write why you're having these thoughts. It may also help you to get to the core of the difficulties you're having.

    I know your methods may seem painless but they're not. Others will feel your pain if you go and we here would like to be there for you if you ever need to talk.

    You're a good person and deserve happiness!

    Take care.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you really don't want to die just get rid of emotions. Have you talked to your therapist about your plans. If it gets to the point call crisis line for help. For now try getting out and doing things you enjoy okay
     
  4. Madison_Rose

    Madison_Rose Active Member

    Thanks chaps :) I haven't got a therapist yet - I could have talked to my GP but didn't. It's weird, I worry more about hurting my GP than about hurting my friends and family. I've been ready to kill myself before, and I know I can rationalise their feelings away by thinking, "sorry chaps, but it's my life and I have to do this." But When I think about my GP, who I've met twice, I worry about her professional guilt if I kill myself when she knew I was suicidal. I didn't think I was a horrible person with no empathy...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 25, 2009
  5. Polar

    Polar Account Closed

    Hi Madison_Rose,

    I have tried suicide many times and throughout most of that time I have had to rely on my GP due to mistrust in therapists.

    Trust me on this. It's better off that she knows what is happening. She'd be more affected if you don't talk to her about what's going on than if you do. When I told me GP about my first attempt, the first thing he told me was thank you for telling me. Now I know and I'm in a better position to help you as a result were his thoughts. They are professionals because they are trained for this. So don't ever feel a burden.

    Kind regards,

    Polar
     
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