mixed feelings....

Discussion in 'Domestic Abuse' started by ~CazzaAngel~, Sep 24, 2006.

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  1. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hey all, it's me....... I have been thinking about my husband and life with him, I love him and wanted it to work, but I didn't wanna live the rest of my life being scared/hurt/abused/drained of dignity/controlled and ect.

    I remember every now and then he wouldn't be hostile and hurtful, and he would talk to me, lay with me cuddled up and I told him more than I ever told anyone....as he started getting worse and worse, he would use things like you vowed to be my wife, I am sick, well if you didn't make me mad I.... :cry2:

    And he knew my safety was my dog, and his mother would take him away, lock him up or shut him in her room and he would threatend to do things to my dog.....after I left he would call me and always point out he sold my dog and that he had the only thing left of my grandfather who passed away... and tell me it was my fault, it always was, his parents would tell me "you are a Wilson, you can't leave or tell anything that happens". :hiding:

    His parents were supposid well-respected people to the ones that truely didn't know them, they were VERY secretive people and apearence was EVERYTHING to them.

    no matter what......things like...pushing me, dragging me down stairs, kicking me, throwing ashtrays, chairs, ripping my clothes dragging me across the wet grass while it was raining.......even threatend to run over me, destroy my grandfather's car.

    But.......he was my best friend, I confided in him until I go so scared of him, never knew when he'd flip out so much he couldn't control himself, he even tried stabing his parents and so on.

    his parents would always say, well you married him you vowed, it's your fault, if you wouldn't have been so slow at doing whatever he wouldn't have done that, he's sick, oh well it's over, don't worry he won't hurt you too bad...... :furious:

    it's amazing....... I still feel bad, like it's my fault, even though it isn't possible it is.

    I am starting to detest him, loathe him for what he's done, but love him and worry....you know he is the most menipulative person, on our annaversary he called and said he was killing himself because I ruined his life, obviously he isn't dead, also, well I am checking into a hospital and it's all your fault.

    but I feel scared, don't wanna be around anyone, terrified of absolutely everyone, attachment fears now, very leary of people especially men. and men ask me out and I say no and distance myself...


    What's wrong wityh me?

    has anyone got anything from this?

    Am I just a little whiney person?

    does this really not matter?

    will it go away?:dunno:

    Please comment.......:hug:


    I love you all,
  2. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I am a bad poster huh?

    sorry guys..

  3. wienerman

    wienerman Guest

    you arent a bad poster, i was busy posting on the other thread.

    you cannot hold yourself accountable for the things he has done to you, his abusive and violent nature cannot be excused because you didnt do something fast enough. there is no excuse for his behaviour. thus you cannot be to blam for anything, especially him being mentally ill. if anything, it is nothing short of amazing how/why you put up with that kind of abuse for so long. you are very brave in leaving him and although this in itself has caused problems things will get better in the end, just time will need to pass before the healing process is finished.

    the positive thing you should focus on is that you have guys attracted to you, although you dont feel you can trust them at the moment, the time will come when you can. the thing you cannot really do is sit back and wait for things to get better you need to want them to and actively seek a better life. it may seem like a big step to you, however every journey starts with one step. on the trust front, why not just go out to lunch and bring a friend along with you so you feel safe and say you arent ready for a relationship you want to be friends, that way you can build up trust by being friends with men.

    i wish you all the luck in the world, you are a strong and mature woman, and i know you will fight your way out of this situation.
  4. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    No you arent a bad poster, not at all... I *did* read this thread before but I sort of didnt get a chance to reply. Now I sort of have time but not much so here goes:

    I guess that its understandable that you're confused at the moment. He sounds really manipulative - sorta like my dad, but thats a different story. I wish I had magic words of comfort for you, Carolyn... but the truth is I'm barely together so this is the best I can come up with... many many hugs to you hun. :hug: :hug: :hug:

  5. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    :grouphug: thanks guys.

    (am I ever going to get over this?)

  6. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    :hug: you're most welcome hun. Maybe not 'get over this' as you've put it, but accept that it happened in the past and move on from it. And that will happen one day, although in order for you to accept, or get over, as you have put it... you kinda have to let yourself feel sadness first and acknowledge the hurt bit. Then its a lot easier to move on from things.

  7. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Awww, thank you so much sweetie :hug:

  8. shoegal

    shoegal Member

    This is the kind of thing that makes me want to drop everything and go to law school, so i can go find retards like your husban or (ex husband?) and legally kick him in the ass. And I totally get what you mean by the whole appearance thing. And they manipulate the crap out of you, being nice to you at moments and then totally "well, its your fault idiot/honey" at others. And your husband is a jackass. I don't know if this is the same thing or not but it sorta reminds me of a guy best friend I had. I told him everything and he was pretty messed up in the head so he would tell me alot too. eventually it got to a point where he would dramatize everything and blame me for everything and be completely selfish about his feelings in our friendship. Tell me i was the reason he got drunk, call me a bitch nad slut in front of our friends, hated every guy that i dated, told me i was breaking him down all the time, etc. And we had been friends 7 years! Okay, this isn't half as dramatic as the heinous stuff your ex did to u but does seeing another psycho make you forget the best friend feelings you ahve for your husband? Maybe there's a connection between abusive men and psychologically fucked up men. no?
    sounds like ur husband has a lot of issues and he's taking his anger and hate out on you bc u're most vulnerable to him, you're most likely to care and be affected. I hope his parents and he all deride themselves into horrid mental torture. And i'm so sorry about your dog. They really are gods gifts to us. Dependable loyal and furry.

    And about the men thing, i'm not the best person to talk to about trust but i don't see anything wrong with being leery of them for now. If u force yourself to date when u're not ready, your judgement is going to be off. Be safe, hunny.
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