MJ's Thread

[LetItGo]

Following on from todays episode (see "Dead Again") Ive had a big breakthrough, or at least I think it is. Finally, after suffering for years since my last big breakdown, I made a full "confession" to my mother. (well almost)
I laid it all out for her, we talked for over an hour. I told her exactly how I felt, whats causing it, and how Ive hidden it over the years. Since my last stint in the day clinic and a period of self recovery after that..she thought I had been getting better, but the truth is nothing changed. I just got better at putting it off.

But today everything just hit me like a brick wall. I felt the lowest I had felt for a very long time, just desperate to get some kind of help. Even after telling my mother as much as I can (aside from a couple of really personal issues), I still feel really flat, but at least there appears to be some hope.

Ive started taking some of the anti-depressants she was prescribed, on Thursday I have an oppointment to see the doctor about something else, and at the same time im going to ask her to recommend me to a therapist or somebody to help.

Ive decided im taking this weekend off, I cant face work atm. I need to call first thing in the tommorow morning. There gonna be pissed.

So small steps at this stage, but perhaps this is the beginning of some kind of change.

Ill try to keep this thread updated with progress.

 

[gentlelady]

It sounds like you are getting things moving in the right direction for you. I hope you are able to find a therapist that you like and feel you can trust. That is part of the battle as well. I am also glad that your mom is supportive of you. It is nice to have family members you can rely on in troubled times. Keep your chin up. Remember we are hear for you as well. You have lots of friends here. Take care, and thank you for keeping us in touch with how you are doing. :hug:

 

[Allo..]

Im really proud of you for telling your mum =) good luck with it all! and take care x

 

[Terry]

oh well done MJ.

You've broken out of the inertia, now you can only move forward. We're here if it gets hard or you feel despondant.

ps. the anti depressants take about 2 weeks to have an effect, so don't expect miracles.

 

[LetItGo]

One day away from going to the Doctors and im getting nervous. Im determined to tell her everything I need too, and get referred to right people.

Theres a good chance im going to have an operation come out of this in the near future..its nothing major, but probably will be under a general anesthetic.

If i can get that done, and get referred to a good therapist or somebody, then I suppose Ive achieved something.

I sometimes think that with my problems its just a matter of forcing myself to go out there and build my life back up, and hopefully find a GF at some point, but ive tried that so many times and I always fall back down. Im worried the therapist is gonna tell me to do just that, and if so that will be completely pointless at this stage..because I simply wont be able to do it. I simply cant motivate myself sufficiently enough to do it...fecking pathetic I know.

Also im worried that with the state of mind ive been in, if i make arrangements I cant keep im just going to fall on my face again...Like going back to Uni. I could organise something now...but if I stop doing my studies again im gonna feel like shit. Not too mention the cost involved.

I just dont know what to do..im hoping the therapist I see, or councellor can get me started in the right direction.

 

[LetItGo]

Report.

Went to the doctors, but guess what? I had the appointment time wrong didnt I :rolleyes:

I remember they called last week an rescheduled my 9.30am Tuesday appointment for what I "thought" was 12.15pm Thursday...turns out it was 12.15pm the same day, ie Tuesday...grrrr :evil: . So im sitting in the waiting room with some lil brat that has to press ever single fucking button on this toy recorder thingo. Why they have noisy toys in the kids area in a medical practice is totally beyond me. I wanted to smash the thing over his head. :whack:

Anywayz im sitting there for at least 30 minutes before going on...and of course getting more anxious all the time. :mellow:

I got one of my problems out of the way first, and it turns out I gotta have some minor surgery for that...there is no other way, and its not covered on public health insurance...Ive got a referral for somebody that is suppose to be the best in my city, but im sure its not gonna be cheap...still if I can save up for it. :sad:

Then came the depression. It turns out that starting November 1st here in Australia, youll be able to go see private psychologist under public health banner, which means rather than paying gawd knows what an hour...$100 or something...ill only pay 20-30% of that. The government is finally starting to get serious abuot mental health. So for any other aussies out there wanting to see somebody...go to your GP and find out about this new scheme..it starts November 1st...BUT there a couple of tests you have to do too satisfy government requirements....not financial, but mental/psych tests.

I did the first of these today..and I had to make another appointment to have a "mental health plan" done. Not sure what it entails, but it takes 20 minutes at least. The test I did today was something called a K10. You might have done it...I scored 33, not sure out of what..but I think 50. She said 33 was "pretty high".

So i got another appointment, then she is going to help me find a good private psychologist under this new scheme.

She also gave me some more scripts for Lozan 20mg tablets...but might need to up the dosage to 40mg, if im not feeling discernably better within the next week or so.

So thats basically what happened...a kid that avoided an early grave by the skin of his teeth, and im starting to get some help. Positive I think, pity the surgery isnt covered...I know its gonna cost me probably $1000..doc said its not major surgery, probably overnight, but Ill have to save for that.

 

[LetItGo]

No comments? I thought I made some progress....:sad:

 

[Terry]

Well done MJ, getting help can be an uphill struggle, especially when the panic and anxiety hits.

Keep plugging away, you're definetly getting somewhere.

 

[LetItGo]

Got my first psych appointment now for the 9th of Nov. Should be interesting. It turns out the surgery I had planned is gonna cost the best part of $3000, so its just not gonna happen for a good while now..have to accept that I guess..its no big deal. Been trying to get out amongst the fresh air a lot more lately, been intentionally trying to spend less and less time at home, partially on my doctors advice as she insisted I do a good deal of exercise each day as stress relief, and partially on a new found willingness to get out amongst it. Lets face it...sitting here in front of a computer isnt going to solve anyones problems.

My next step is to set up my exercise routine a little more formally with some set times, and I also want to get more involved in some political issues here in Aus...something ive been wanting to do for a long time. Its time I put my money, or at least my waking hours, where my mouth is.

Been getting more sun lately, just simple things like washing the car, and cleaning it out...looks like a 2006 model now. Doing other things around the house.

The next month is going to be very interesting...I have to find new work pretty quickly. I seriously want to save up, and get a decent apartment by myself somewhere again. I really want to run my own race for a while, and have the ability to bring friends and girlfriends home without dodging around other people lol.

Ive got a feeling the next few months in general are going to be sink or swim for me. I can either let myself go completely and end up with a one way ticket to a mental institution, or I can step up and build a life for myself again. When its all said and done...I now realise, Its my choice and my choice alone.

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

I am so happy you are making progress, I am very very very proud of you for taking that step, you'll start feeling better I just know it, it's great to hear good news....:hug: :hug:

 

[LetItGo]

Minor Update.

Went to my Psych this thursday for the first time. Strange its one of those places which is like a normal house, but converted to an office. Just seemed to be the psych, with a secretary.

We talked for probably close to an hour...she really picked up on breathing and being really anxious...kind of hyperventalating. Id take big breathes, and then non at all....my breathing is terrible, but I put part of that down to her, and sitting opposite her talking about my lifes story..(or lack thereof)

Anywayz we spoke for about an hour...all sorts of things. We had a few laughs, with my self depracating sense of humour, and shes confident she can help me. She gave me a workbook to focus on breathing and to read through what makes me anxious.

She didnt really give me a diagnosis...but she said id be seeing her for some time to overcome this crap on many fronts. Basically she said I had a general anxiety disorder, social anxiety, low self asteem, and moderate to severe depression because of im isolation, anxieties and lack of achievement. We went a bit into family history as well...although as far as im aware I dont have any...its weird, she pointed out my dad as possibly suffering from depression in a big way....because of his heavy drinking and self medicating. I always just thought he liked his booze lol...

This will be the first of many visits...got another appointment for the 21st Nov. In the meantime I need to start earning some money again, and im going to try and talk to more people online and offline.

If anyone wants to talk to me...my MSN is in my profile btw.

 

[Terry]

Good work MJ. Getting a good therapist is half the battle.

Be prepared for some back sliding and such, as sometimes we try to sabotage our own efforts.

Also, cut the list down a bit, your planning so much that you're almost setting yourself up for a fall.
Deal with the breathing, the exercise and the therapist. Then worry about whether to go to uni and getting your own place.

Small steps is best.

But well done for so much accomplished.

 

[LetItGo]

Another Minor Update.

Seen the psych again yesterday. We went over a lot of family history and im starting to realise why Im in the state I am to some extent. She feels my breathing has improved, but thats mainly because this time I was more relaxed with her, and generally felt a bit better.

The psych hinted I have some pretty strong self esteem issues, and we spent half the session correcting my negativity. She gave me some exercise to do in which I have to right down what ive achieved so far in life....gonna be a pretty short list.

Work wise it could also get interesting soon, but Ill have more to report on that later. Hopefully something good...but I dont want to jinx it. On the social front nothing has really changed, Im still extremely isolated, but im hoping I get make some progress there, especially down the road when I move out. My uni plans may change somewhat dramatically soon depending on this job situation.

Exercise, is where Ive done quite well recently, as Ive been walking every day for the last week. About a 45 minute walk, and I always feel better for it. A bit of sun and fresh air...well as fresh as it gets around here anyway.

So in short, im still battling away, nothing practically has changed much but Ive made some moves in the right direction.

Time will tell...