mmhmm...let it go

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~PinkElephants~, Sep 5, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I am tired of feeling this way. Tired of feeling so weak, so walked all over. I'm tired of pasting that smile on my face so people will think I'm fine. It's great how I can say I'm okay to please everyone else but myself. This isn't how I want my life to be. I don't want to feel like I'm living just to exist. I'd rather cease to exist at this point. I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of breathing this air that seems so pointless. I so want to just take that blade and slide it across my wrist. I want to watch the blood flow out...want to watch my life..slip away.

    If this is triggering I don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of caring for others and caring so little about me. I'm tired of all the destruction I have been inflicting on my body. I am tired of feeling this void in my heart. There's this ache I feel everyday, knowing that I will always be alone. That no one will ever care or even begin to understand. If I can't understand the self destruction I'm facing then how can anyone else help me. I remove myself from within and watch myself on the outside just dying..just slowly killing myself. I don't tell people. I let people get under my skin and I snap. Do you not think there's a reason for my snapping?? Do you think I just do it because I want to fight??

    I know that's what people think and think whatever the fuck you feel like thinking. I tend not to care these days what people think of me if you can't tell. If you think I just want to fight you are wrong. I snap back because I feel a part of me is being attacked. There is still that little girl inside begging to be saved, begging for release. If I release her completely it will be an avalanche of emotions and I can't emotionally or mentally handle all.

    So I annihilate what's withing by killing the outside. I kill the pain inside by popping pills, by drinking, by SIing and no one sees. I hide it well you see because I have to. What they don't see is behind this smile there is a ticking time bomb I will take that final step and I will be gone and when I am no one will know. I won't tell a soul..i will just go. When people realize that they will look back and see how fuckin hidden and how dark I really am and that behind the smiles..there was someone so fucked up beyond any possible means of understanding. So let me implode, let me own't matter in the end anyways
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Meh, fuck it don't bother responding to this...don't even waste the energy because that's what it will be wasted.

    I'm going to purge my sins one way or ignore it all.
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :nono: I cannot ignore tha kellz, as much as you'd like me to.

    *sigh* :sad: Kellz..You shouldn't have to paste a smile on your face so everyone thinks you're okay. That's not healthy for you mentally, nor is it fun for you either. That's what this forum is here for, to vent, and rant, and not be okay..Here anytime, you know that..Stay safe..xxxxxxxxxxx.
  4. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    i have to laugh..really laugh. I was eating chinese food and i opened the fortune cookie and it said "you bring happiness to others" pfft. Happiness to others..what about my own happiness. It's so fuckin' stupid. I did it again..i messed up again..i can feel it burning..can feel it seeping. Oh more fuck up for kells.
  5. Ramble

    Ramble Guest

    You dont have to wear the happy mask around your online friends, we all feel like shit most of the time, nobody expects you to be a happy around here, at least they shouldnt...its a suicide forum ffs. Your anger is driven by the situation you find yourself in and all the abuse, and crap youve had to put up with throughout your life, and continue to put up with. Like me in a sense, you feel trapped, isolated and unloved. Unlike me though, you also have to contend with these feelings of being used and unappreciated.

    Part of the solution is doing the things weve already talked about, things we both have to do, and the other part is surrounding yourself with people that genuinely care about you, and online friendships/relationships are never going to cut it. Thats just a fact.

    Maybe we should both move to the U.K or something, share a flat together lol...something tells me we might have a better life there. Then again thats like running away from things isnt it...I dunno, sometimes running away and a fresh start do great things for people.

    None of this is easy, trying to motivate yourself to make even an ounce of difference in your life when you feel this low is damn hard.

    :hug: the meantime, pls try to cut down on the substance abuse...I honestly dont believe you wanna die, you just want to life worth living (not just existing)...hang in there Kells.
  6. Ramble

    Ramble Guest

    I bring people luck.

    Every time, without fecking fail, if im playing the machines, and theres a couple people around me...ding ding ding...jackpot...blah....I get nothin of course.

    need to stop torturing yourself Kells, i know though you feel so numb, so empty, its really hard :sad:
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Torturing myself.I've only begun on the torture. I will smile and I will lie through my teeth and say I am okay. I will destroy within and kill without..slowly but surely. No one one knows. No one sees me's like I'm when i go it won't matter.
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