I was 13, and we were at the house of a friend of the family. They have a daughter my age and a son who was 21 at the time. One day he took me to his room and locked the door, I didn't think much of it. After what seemed like maybe 10 to 15 minutes he told me to get on my knees, I thought we were going to play some kind of game. Next thing I know, he dropped his pants and told me to open my mouth, I was a young kid and felt that since he was the adult, I had to do what he asked or I would get in trouble. So he went on with the horrible act of forcing me to perform oral sex on him for a long time. I'm 25 now, and even though I'm fat, I'm very strong, and I vowed to myself that if I ever saw this guy again, I would beat him bloody and leave him senseless. I get turned on by women AND men, but I don't like it. I feel that I can't have a normal relationship with a woman because I have been somehow traumatized by the molestation. I still feel like I'm trapped at 13 and I wish I could go back and destroy the bastard that did this to me so that I would maybe not be so messed up today, and pick up life at 13. I want to go back and relive my life, change so many things. Why do these things happen to us? There is no reason, the world is a horrible place and everyone just do as they please. What causes a person to molest or rape in the first place? Why do they have these urges? I have these urges, sometimes when I look at a young boy or girl, I get sexually aroused, why? I don't want this, I have three nephews, and even though I don't feel this way towards them, I don't want to feel this way towards anyone under 18. It's not even a matter of why did God let this happen or what is the reason for this. It's just that we happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and someone took the advantage. It's all about power, if someone has power over you, they will take it, regardless of the consquences. Now that I think of it, I saw this guy once a couple years ago and I didn't realize who he was until later on that day. I wished that I would see him again, but no luck so far. What do you think, should I mess this guy up or what? I mean I don't want to kill him, but just really really hurt him. There's no point in going to the police because no one cares what happened 15 years ago. I want closure, I want someone to tell me that I am a man and that I'm NOT gay and that I can be the man that it takes to have a woman beside me, but I feel like that 13 year old boy that never grew up because of this asshole. My parent's don't know, they would freak out, and they have enough stress already trying to pay rent. No one wants to listen. Typing some letters on a screen to somebody is one thing, but listening to their voice and them being infront of you is another. It's really sad that the only reason anyone does anything is because they want something, either material, a connection, a relationship, or an emotion. No one is NICE, because the only reason people do nice things is because they DON'T want the emotion of guilt, or they want the acceptance of someone else. So I'm 25, I work with my brother in law doing paperwork for him, he's a cool guy and thinks my depression is just an excuse to be lazy, but he doesn't understand and I don't blame him. I take effexor and lamictal, anti-depressant and mood stabilizer, neither do anything, more of a placebo effect really. I spent 5 years jobless living with my parents, I could go on and on, but who cares, you don't, and why should you anyway, I offer you nothing, I'm just some letters on your monitor that you found because you were bored online. It's ok, I'm not mad, and it's not your fault. So many people tell me I'm a nice guy, but girls don't want that, they want an asshole because asshole's get things done, they put themselves ontop of everyone else and step over everyone else, and a girl wants to be there along for the ride to reap the benefits, I don't blame them, it's called survival, but for the nice guys out there, good luck. Good looking people really do have all the fun, add money to that and you are having the time of your life, but if you are sick in the head, then it doesn't mean anything, and for the rest of us who aren't good looking or have any money, and are sick in the head, why continue to let the heart beat. I'm reminded of a Simpsons episode where the school bully, Nelson, looks at a picture of Cinderella (I think) and shows affection and love to the person in the picture, and Lisa tells him "...you know she's just a character right"?, he replies "...some of us prefer illusion rather than despair". So maybe we should all just pretend that were hot and rich, but it's not about how you feel, it's about how everything else MAKES you feel, and if your really hot and/or rich, then you will get the attention that MAKES you feel good, but if your not and you pretend that you are, who's gonna care? Oh well... I don't want to die, but I don't want to live with this pain and depression, I wish for someone to hold me and bring their heart close to mine.