Molested at 13

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MusicMakesMeLive, Jun 14, 2007.

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  1. I was 13, and we were at the house of a friend of the family. They have a daughter my age and a son who was 21 at the time. One day he took me to his room and locked the door, I didn't think much of it. After what seemed like maybe 10 to 15 minutes he told me to get on my knees, I thought we were going to play some kind of game. Next thing I know, he dropped his pants and told me to open my mouth, I was a young kid and felt that since he was the adult, I had to do what he asked or I would get in trouble. So he went on with the horrible act of forcing me to perform oral sex on him for a long time. I'm 25 now, and even though I'm fat, I'm very strong, and I vowed to myself that if I ever saw this guy again, I would beat him bloody and leave him senseless.

    I get turned on by women AND men, but I don't like it. I feel that I can't have a normal relationship with a woman because I have been somehow traumatized by the molestation. I still feel like I'm trapped at 13 and I wish I could go back and destroy the bastard that did this to me so that I would maybe not be so messed up today, and pick up life at 13. I want to go back and relive my life, change so many things. Why do these things happen to us? There is no reason, the world is a horrible place and everyone just do as they please.

    What causes a person to molest or rape in the first place? Why do they have these urges? I have these urges, sometimes when I look at a young boy or girl, I get sexually aroused, why? I don't want this, I have three nephews, and even though I don't feel this way towards them, I don't want to feel this way towards anyone under 18.

    It's not even a matter of why did God let this happen or what is the reason for this. It's just that we happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and someone took the advantage. It's all about power, if someone has power over you, they will take it, regardless of the consquences.

    Now that I think of it, I saw this guy once a couple years ago and I didn't realize who he was until later on that day. I wished that I would see him again, but no luck so far.

    What do you think, should I mess this guy up or what? I mean I don't want to kill him, but just really really hurt him. There's no point in going to the police because no one cares what happened 15 years ago.

    I want closure, I want someone to tell me that I am a man and that I'm NOT gay and that I can be the man that it takes to have a woman beside me, but I feel like that 13 year old boy that never grew up because of this asshole.

    My parent's don't know, they would freak out, and they have enough stress already trying to pay rent. No one wants to listen. Typing some letters on a screen to somebody is one thing, but listening to their voice and them being infront of you is another.

    It's really sad that the only reason anyone does anything is because they want something, either material, a connection, a relationship, or an emotion. No one is NICE, because the only reason people do nice things is because they DON'T want the emotion of guilt, or they want the acceptance of someone else.

    So I'm 25, I work with my brother in law doing paperwork for him, he's a cool guy and thinks my depression is just an excuse to be lazy, but he doesn't understand and I don't blame him. I take effexor and lamictal, anti-depressant and mood stabilizer, neither do anything, more of a placebo effect really.

    I spent 5 years jobless living with my parents, I could go on and on, but who cares, you don't, and why should you anyway, I offer you nothing, I'm just some letters on your monitor that you found because you were bored online. It's ok, I'm not mad, and it's not your fault.

    So many people tell me I'm a nice guy, but girls don't want that, they want an asshole because asshole's get things done, they put themselves ontop of everyone else and step over everyone else, and a girl wants to be there along for the ride to reap the benefits, I don't blame them, it's called survival, but for the nice guys out there, good luck.

    Good looking people really do have all the fun, add money to that and you are having the time of your life, but if you are sick in the head, then it doesn't mean anything, and for the rest of us who aren't good looking or have any money, and are sick in the head, why continue to let the heart beat.

    I'm reminded of a Simpsons episode where the school bully, Nelson, looks at a picture of Cinderella (I think) and shows affection and love to the person in the picture, and Lisa tells him "...you know she's just a character right"?, he replies "...some of us prefer illusion rather than despair".

    So maybe we should all just pretend that were hot and rich, but it's not about how you feel, it's about how everything else MAKES you feel, and if your really hot and/or rich, then you will get the attention that MAKES you feel good, but if your not and you pretend that you are, who's gonna care?

    Oh well...

    I don't want to die, but I don't want to live with this pain and depression, I wish for someone to hold me and bring their heart close to mine.
     
  2. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry about what happened to you when you were 13 years old and for the obvious effect this has had on your life since then.
    You are on medication so obviously you are under a doctors care, but I wonder if you have ever talked to anyone eg a therapist about what is the actual cause of your depression?
    You want closure but in order to get closure you need to work through the feelings, a therapist would be able to help you do this.
    I am glad that you have found Sf and I hope that you will come to realise that the people here do care, you are more to us than.. "just some letters on your monitor that you found because you were bored on line".
    You are a human being who is living with pain and depression, we do care and we are here to help & support you through this painful time.

    Take care Hazel
     
  3. Thank you so much for taking the time to write a response. It's so sad that like most people on this forum, our consciousness has become our adversary, and that we need to extinguish our life so that we don't "feel" this way anymore.

    Emotions are so powerfull, the center of everything that we hold dear, I feel so sad, so depressed, my emotions are malfunctioning, I know what's wrong, but why can't we fix it?
     
  4. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you had any therapy/counseling? What have you told you doctor when he/she asked if anything had happened to make you feel depressed?
    You are right emotions are extremely powerful, you say you know what is wrong.... well isn't that the first step to fixing it?
    Without accepting that something is wrong you can't fix it but you have already taken that first step, you know what is wrong, perhaps now is the time to begin work on the problem.
    We are here to support as ou wrk your way through your problems and hopefully find some solutions.

    Hazel
     
  5. I see my psychiatrist once a month and that's just to check up on how the drugs are doing, I haven't told him about what happened to me because he's not a psychologist. I have taken prozac which made me blind, deaf and mute until I woke up from something they gave me to counter-act it, wellbutrin makes me psychotic and extremely violent, and effexor and lamictal don't really do anything.

    I don't have the money to see a psychiatrist and the only way I can afford the sessions with the psyciatrist is becuase I tried to end my life 3 years ago with a shotgun but someone found it, freaked and called 911 and I was put on observation for 2 weeks, so the state is paying for the sessions and the drugs.

    Maybe suicide is a way for the brain to say "well, we seem to be a little underdeveloped here, in fact, were pretty much defective, no sense in going on, must terminate".

    Were probably defective human beings, or at the very least we don't have the resources to cope with this.
     
  6. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    A similar thing happened to me when I was 4 years old. Only I somehow lost my virginity. I am 19 now, I can relate. I have never told anyone I know in real life. I dont plan too. I am soft and impotent after so many years. I think it fucked my sexual preference as well. Amoung other problems no talents no looks no brains, I still see little reason to live. What keeps me going are my friends and the guilt of what I'd do to my family and few friends emotionally; and the selfishness of the act of suicide. I used illusion for most of my life, afraid to peak down into reality. I just day dream and try to completely ignore my problems. It works, has worked for a while. Doesnt work so well now. I havent been into the drugs or achohol but I am anti social and have low self esteem. I guess I share your same anger. If I did find the kid who did it too me, (and he was a kid, surely no more then a few years older then me), I would beat the shit out of him. Thats all I got to say. Peace dude.
     
  7. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    i was molested at 5 and 16. first time i tried to terminate was at 5. did it at 16. they brought me back. i know the feeling you are going through. there are a lot of similarities. i'm terminally depressed. i'm on abilify and lamictal, used to be on depakote. it worked for a while, maybe you can suggest to the doctor to try it. maybe it will help. this site is a grreat place, caring ppl, wonderful people. i can't speak for everyone, but your words are more than jsut little dots on the sceen. they are your story, life, you. if you ever want to talk, you can pm or msn me anytime you see me. ok
    a friend had me write in a letter form what happened to me and go into details. what happened, how it made me feel, and how i still feel.this was 15 years ago. but it helped a lot. then when i was done with the letter, i burned i. she was a coounselor, and had experience in this area, her self being a survivor. i thought of myself as a victim and still do, but she something to me one time. you are a survivor, not a victim. it made me think about it for a while. but my depression got the better of me. i would seriously suggest seeing a psychologist, priest , or someone you trust whole-heeartedly. tehn talk to them about it. go slowly though. it is going to be painful, trust me, but it helped to get it all out in the open. keeping it bottled up like youare doing, isn't good. if nothing else, write here. i do. please be safe and try to be good to yourself too.
     
  8. Raiden

    Raiden Guest

    My condolencies on what happened to you, and quite frankly, if was in your poistion, i'd probably try to do the same. However, don't feel bad if you feel attracted to both genders, it isn't a crime in the least. I hope to be able to talk to you more sometime, perhaps in chat. Take care.
    ~~Raiden.
     
  9. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    What a P****.
     
  10. rd9671

    rd9671 Guest

    i was molested strting at 8yo til i was 12 by my uncle. It is the sorst thing to have to deal with, and I didn't for many years. I blocked it until 2 years ago, when my mate filed for divorce, everything came crashing down and I had my first psychotic episode.
    As far as you thinking that ou might be gay; that is a natural reaction. the brain tries to make sense of what happened and it can't, it tries to find blame and it makes perfect sense to blame the child. At any rate, i often slept with people of the same sex i think in an effort to understand. I may be way off base on this, and I probably am. But sleeping with the same sex is no big deal.
    On the medication front --- I can not even count the different meds I hacve been on in the past 2 years, currently it is geodon, lexapro, haldol, zyprexa and benztropine. i would recommend to keep trying different medications if that is what it takes and communicate with your doc if you dont think there is any benefit from the ones u are on, it may be just a matter of upping the dose or changing to something new. And remember that it takes weeks sometimes for them to take full effect.
     
  11. Thank you all for the kind replies.

    The timeline of our developing mind is skewed when we are raped, molested, or abused in any way, shape, or form. We are left in utter despair and agony for the rest of our lives. Some of us are lucky to take a couple pills every day to somewhat subdue the symptoms of depression/suicide.

    The people who are mentally healthy are trying to survive just as bad as us, they have their own problems, and we have ours, but their problems are their fault, ours are not. They can fix theirs, but choose not to. Ours leaves us with no choice but to see how long we must endure this, if there will be an end one day, and if that end will be us or the depression.

    Some of us choose drugs to alter our already warped realities into sedation, some choose alcohol, rampant sex, gorging of food, crime, violence, and so on.

    It's not about asking the question, "...what does it all mean"?, it is about wondering, "does it mean anything"?

    Oh I yearn for love and wait in deep agony for any sign of happiness beyond the hell that I, and many of you wake up to every...single...day.
     
  12. "So many people tell me I'm a nice guy, but girls don't want that, they want an asshole because asshole's get things done, they put themselves ontop of everyone else and step over everyone else, and a girl wants to be there along for the ride to reap the benefits, I don't blame them, it's called survival, but for the nice guys out there, good luck."

    You also talked about how everyone is basically self-centered. This is true to some extent. However, you must realize there are many girls out there who are happy to make others happy. And ones that would be happy to make you happy. We are all self-centered in a way but that's what keeps us alive. There are millions if not a billion people out there who feels the same way as you. Hold on till you find the right person.

    And BTW I probably would of killed myself this year if I didn't start listening to music. It's the best part of my life.
     
  13. It's not that I will never find the right person..., well, it kinda is that, but it's more the fact that the years of my youth have passed me by and I haven't had anyone to share anything in my life with. I'm 25, but I haven't had a girlfriend for more than 2 weeks.

    It's the loneliness that is killing me, and it's hard meeting people that are into music as deeply as I am, especially a girl. People are just so out to suck each other dry just like Maynard says, but how much longer must this go on until there is a reason for going on this long?

    My childhood trauma has effected me in ways I don't understand, to this day I eat a lot of food as a coping mechanism, it's kinda like what Einstein said about his cat when it would get depressed whenever it would rain, ..."I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to turn it off"...

    How do we turn it off? Why is it so hard? Is there even a switch? or are we permanently damaged.

    Who cares the answers to these questions!!!!!!! UGH!!!

    So lonely, and absolutly no motivation, I mean NOTHING motivates me, why?, I don't know. My family mostly ignores me because I'm not a breadwinner.

    If life is supposed to be this spiritual journey, and the reason for everything that happens is experience, how do you change what experiences you want to get? Anyway, thats something very "another story".

    I just stay up all night and listen to music, play chess, play guitar, write, compose my own music, that's pretty much it.

    I love being asleep, I want to sleep for a long time.

    I really don't think anyone, with the exception of the severely insane or absolutely decisioned, really wants to die, of course we know this, we just want the problem to go away, but it's so sad that we are being brough to the point of suicide, now tell me, what kind of spiritual experience is that?

    So sad that we want to die, we want to end, we don't want it anymore, we feel nothing, we don't care, why don't we care? We don't even care anymore about why we don't care anymore. It's like you soooo "don't care" that you don't want to kill yourself, you just want to killing to happen, NOW!!!!!!!!, fuck! So much bullshit.

    So I'm here, another night alone, listening to chill music, wondering off from reality, and never really wanting to come back.

    You replys are welcome, please tell me your thoughts. Thank you.:unsure:
     
  14. see

    see Well-Known Member

    I am 36 I still carry the secrets of my past it has destroyed me inside and out if you can, talk about it to someone before its to late.
     
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