mom killed herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by oceanview, Feb 21, 2013.

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  1. oceanview

    oceanview Member

    mom killed herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed- not over her death- but over failed relationships, feeling like i'll be alone and lonely forever, career mistakes, lack of employment opportunities, etc.

    i have a friend who is also 50 now and has not forgiven herself for her divorce and hasn't been able to find a new man for years. she's been threatening to kill herself for 3 months now and she is suggesting "may day" (may 1st) as her death date. she has lots of resources behind her ($, job, medical insurance, etc) but she says she only wants a husband and she is unwilling to grow old without one.

    i don't know why my mom killed herself. no note. she was a well respected attorney and had 3 adult daughters. she was on her 3rd divorce but had a live -in boyfriend. i know she was irratic and moody and violent while i was growing up and that it affected me. when i was 21, i chose to have a tubal ligation because i was afraid i would become like her and be a terrible mom.

    i've had nothing but messed up relationships with men. the longest was 13 years. the most recent, the ONLY ONE WHERE I COULDN'T LET GO and went berserk, i got insanely stalkerish for a few weeks from his completely shutting me out for weeks, then coming back and being all loving and then vanishing again. he has asperger's and definitely shuts down and comes back and shuts down....for years. this time, he's not coming back after several years of on/off. i know i'm better off for this because his moodiness and shut outs (rejection) after times of togetherness and affection yo-yo'd me into some of the worst depression and pain i've had in years. we are toxic to each other. he rejects me, i get clingy, he runs, he comes back all lovey dovey, rejects me after a while, etc... and generally, i'm very stable and accepting during break ups but not with this younger, gorgeous aspie. my bad for choosing him to begin with but the attraction and attachment was off the charts!

    so, i'm 50, alone, have no kids, sex and love starved, obsessing over the break up with a guy (i am taking responsibility for my part in it- maybe 30% is my fault and 70% is his) and being around my suicidal friend and knowing my mom killed herself at 50 just makes me want to kill myself at 50 also. i have resources, not alot. i could sell my house, cash out, travel, enjoy life for another 5-10 years and then do it. i don't want to age painfully. i don't see a point living past 70 with the inevitable decline.

    i haven't called suicide hotlines yet or sought counseling. i hate myself for turning into a psycho with younger guy. i've NEVER done this before but the cycle of affection/rejection just put me into a tail spin. not sure if i'm menopausal or not cuz i still have my ovaries but this guy definitely was the icing on the cake of my insanity right now.

    three years back, an acquaintance used <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>to kill herself when she ran out of $. she was 55 and a gorgeous woman. it just seems so common in my circle that women over 50 who are running out of $ and aren't married, have no kids, etc... just feel "done" and want out.
    anyway, i'm just venting. thanks for listening.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 21, 2013
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: mom shot herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

    Hi, oceanview and welcome to SF!

    I'm very sorry to hear about how you lost your mom so many years ago. And I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so down on your own life at the moment.

    The 50s are a time of huge hormonal changes for women. Have you considered that those changes could be affecting your mood and thinking these days? (If you had a tubal ligation only - i.e., they left your ovaries intact), you could very well be going through "peri-menopause." Perhaps a visit to your GP or GYNOB might be a start. I am in my 50s as well, and I know hormones did a number with my mood at times.

    I'm sorry you had a turbulent relationship that you've decided to end. The loss of a relationship always hurts - we need to grieve for that loss. It sounds like you are on the road to finding stability on your own, in spite of how much you are hurting. It is difficult to maintain a loving relationship with someone who shuts down and shuts us out...It would make me feel very uncertain of what the person wanted and what would be coming next.

    I am sure that being the same age as your mom when she suicided is also bringing all the feelings back to you. Just because she chose that path doesn't mean you need to do the same.

    You are not struggling alone with this now that you have opened up here. So many of us understand the feelings and would be delighted to cheer you on in finding ways to keep going. Stay safe, hun!
     
  3. oceanview

    oceanview Member

    Re: mom shot herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

    thanks, acy. i'm definitely emotionally and physically trashed from the cycle of affection/rejection my ex put me through but i chose to stay. ultimately, it was my responsibility (for staying) and not his (for being young and aspie). never should have gotten attached to him in the 1st place. medical insurance isn't happening right now so doubtful i can see an ob/gyn but it's good advice. i'm taking st. john's wort and bach flower's "rescue remedy" right now. fresh food and exercise helps.
     
  4. oceanview

    oceanview Member

    Re: mom shot herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

    any other women in their 50s going through this!?
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Re: mom shot herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

    Hi
    I am past my 50s. And i cannot comment personally on the hormone thing. Even though I completely agree with Acy. If you live in the US and do have have insurance, you can call united way. They have lists of options for people who need assistance and do not have insurance etc. I was pointed in the right direction by them once. If you do live in the US, usually you can contact them by calling 211 on the phone. I had to call twice. Some people there are more clever than others when it comes to discerning the resources.

    It sounded to me like you never dealt with the suicide of your mom. And even her mental condition that effected you. I am not saying that this ever can be completely dealt with. And even when it is dealt with, it is possible that different feelings could be triggered later. eg now. Sometimes therapy can really help.

    I am glad you are here. its a great community. It needs good people like you !!!
     
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Re: mom shot herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

    Yes, welcome oceanview, this is a great forum where we give and receive support and suggestions helpfully and non-judgementally. I do hope you are able to count the positives about being free once more, and tell yourself you can heal from this and become a stronger person through it all. :)
     
  7. oceanview

    oceanview Member

    Re: mom shot herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

    hi everyone.
    st. patrick's day was the 22nd anniversary of my mom's suicide at 50. i'm 50. i turn 51 next month so i have officially outlived my mom. i miss my young break-up guy terribly and i know it will be 1-2 years (if ever) that we talk. i met someone else i thought would be really good for me (older than me, vegetarian like me, well educated, good job, etc..) and after several platonic dates, he admitted he is bisexual and into polyamory and group sex on a regular basis. NOT FOR ME. but at least i tried to "get back out there" and meet more realistic potential partners than a very young guy on the autism spectrum. blah blah blah. my gal pal is still suicidal and i had to tell her i needed a break from hearing her death date plans-being-formed. it was just bringing up too much pain from my mom. suicide hotline said the police won't intervene unless she is an immediate threat to herself so calling for assistance if futile when her planned death date is 6 weeks out. i highly doubt she will go through with it. i'm at a very low point and it seems like the easiest thing to do, just opt out. but i don't want to hurt my aging dad. he enjoys his life and i'm not willing to ruin it anytime soon. death would be so much easier than living in emotional pain, financial fear, broken hearted loneliness, no romance, and aging. on some level, my mom had the right idea. live til you're tired and opt out before the painful decline begins.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Re: mom shot herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed.

    I understand totally that you do not want to cause so much hurt to your dad. you know what it is like to have someone you love commit suicide. Its horrible. I am sorry that guy was into those things. Bi I can understand. i personally do not understand group sex. Nope. But at least you are still willing to put yourself out there and keep trying.

    I hope you do not opt out. As you said at the end. And I can totally understand why your friend would be too much of a trigger for you, given your own mother died of suicide. have you told your friend about sf?

    Counselling can really help. With the pain etc.
     
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