mom killed herself at 50 (i was 28) and now i'm 50 and feeling very depressed- not over her death- but over failed relationships, feeling like i'll be alone and lonely forever, career mistakes, lack of employment opportunities, etc. i have a friend who is also 50 now and has not forgiven herself for her divorce and hasn't been able to find a new man for years. she's been threatening to kill herself for 3 months now and she is suggesting "may day" (may 1st) as her death date. she has lots of resources behind her ($, job, medical insurance, etc) but she says she only wants a husband and she is unwilling to grow old without one. i don't know why my mom killed herself. no note. she was a well respected attorney and had 3 adult daughters. she was on her 3rd divorce but had a live -in boyfriend. i know she was irratic and moody and violent while i was growing up and that it affected me. when i was 21, i chose to have a tubal ligation because i was afraid i would become like her and be a terrible mom. i've had nothing but messed up relationships with men. the longest was 13 years. the most recent, the ONLY ONE WHERE I COULDN'T LET GO and went berserk, i got insanely stalkerish for a few weeks from his completely shutting me out for weeks, then coming back and being all loving and then vanishing again. he has asperger's and definitely shuts down and comes back and shuts down....for years. this time, he's not coming back after several years of on/off. i know i'm better off for this because his moodiness and shut outs (rejection) after times of togetherness and affection yo-yo'd me into some of the worst depression and pain i've had in years. we are toxic to each other. he rejects me, i get clingy, he runs, he comes back all lovey dovey, rejects me after a while, etc... and generally, i'm very stable and accepting during break ups but not with this younger, gorgeous aspie. my bad for choosing him to begin with but the attraction and attachment was off the charts! so, i'm 50, alone, have no kids, sex and love starved, obsessing over the break up with a guy (i am taking responsibility for my part in it- maybe 30% is my fault and 70% is his) and being around my suicidal friend and knowing my mom killed herself at 50 just makes me want to kill myself at 50 also. i have resources, not alot. i could sell my house, cash out, travel, enjoy life for another 5-10 years and then do it. i don't want to age painfully. i don't see a point living past 70 with the inevitable decline. i haven't called suicide hotlines yet or sought counseling. i hate myself for turning into a psycho with younger guy. i've NEVER done this before but the cycle of affection/rejection just put me into a tail spin. not sure if i'm menopausal or not cuz i still have my ovaries but this guy definitely was the icing on the cake of my insanity right now. three years back, an acquaintance used <Mod Edit - Acy - Methods>to kill herself when she ran out of $. she was 55 and a gorgeous woman. it just seems so common in my circle that women over 50 who are running out of $ and aren't married, have no kids, etc... just feel "done" and want out. anyway, i'm just venting. thanks for listening.