Mom, I missed you tonight. Woke up crying in the middle of the night. Dreamed you were holding me. When I was a kid and everything would get crazy I remember how you held me close. How warm and safe I felt like no one could hurt me. I hope Evie felt that way. The night before we took her to the hospital, I stayed up all night rocking her in the recliner. We thought she had the flu. She had cancer. I miss her and I miss you. If there is a heaven I know your taking good care of her. But I am really tired. I stlll sleep in the recliner . . . more like dose. Every day I get up at 3 am go to the gym and work out. On the outside I am getting stronger. On the inside I am completely broken. After my work out I work and then I eat and go back to bed in the recliner. Mom . . . I am really tired. Sometimes I get real sleepy when I am driving. I miss you . . . I miss Evie and I miss Mary. I am really tired. Have to lead to worship services today. One to start of the community Advent services and the other in a nursing home. Thursday I have to be with and elderly woman going into the hospital and that night minister to a young man dying of cancer. I hate that word. David got sick last night. Can't help but think about the C word. My dog is with me. He is my only real friend but like me he is getting old. I wish I had died a long time ago. It seems like all I've ever known was pain and loneliness. If I had died after Mary left me it would have saved me a lot of grief . . . a lot of pain. I remember getting into a fight after we broke up . . . a bar in West Va. A brick layer beat the ever living crap out of me. I was too dumb and drunk to stay down. Kept getting up, I think is someways I just wanted him to kill me . . . to put an end to the pain. Mom thanks for looking after Evie. She was a great kid.