Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Michael Lee, Nov 28, 2012.

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  1. Michael Lee

    Michael Lee Well-Known Member

    Mom, I missed you tonight. Woke up crying in the middle of the night. Dreamed you were holding me. When I was a kid and everything would get crazy I remember how you held me close. How warm and safe I felt like no one could hurt me. I hope Evie felt that way. The night before we took her to the hospital, I stayed up all night rocking her in the recliner. We thought she had the flu. She had cancer. I miss her and I miss you. If there is a heaven I know your taking good care of her. But I am really tired. I stlll sleep in the recliner . . . more like dose. Every day I get up at 3 am go to the gym and work out. On the outside I am getting stronger. On the inside I am completely broken. After my work out I work and then I eat and go back to bed in the recliner. Mom . . . I am really tired. Sometimes I get real sleepy when I am driving. I miss you . . . I miss Evie and I miss Mary. I am really tired. Have to lead to worship services today. One to start of the community Advent services and the other in a nursing home. Thursday I have to be with and elderly woman going into the hospital and that night minister to a young man dying of cancer. I hate that word. David got sick last night. Can't help but think about the C word. My dog is with me. He is my only real friend but like me he is getting old. I wish I had died a long time ago. It seems like all I've ever known was pain and loneliness. If I had died after Mary left me it would have saved me a lot of grief . . . a lot of pain. I remember getting into a fight after we broke up . . . a bar in West Va. A brick layer beat the ever living crap out of me. I was too dumb and drunk to stay down. Kept getting up, I think is someways I just wanted him to kill me . . . to put an end to the pain. Mom thanks for looking after Evie. She was a great kid.
  2. mackaroni

    mackaroni Well-Known Member

    Michael Lee-
    I am sorry about the loss of your mother! Cancer ravages and takes so many people out there. I think that maybe you need to talk with professional to deal with your grief if you havent already. I know your mom would want you to be here on Earth to do the most good in the time you have left and not to shorten that time if possible. She will be waiting in her rocker when its your time to go. Take good care of you!
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun god i am so sorry hun for your sadness You have lost so many You hun are a carer i see helping others Your mother would be so proud hun. I too think if you can hun talk to a grief councilor ok The therapist will help you hun heal inside some ok I am glad you are talking here hun Keep talking to us ok let those tears out here hugs
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I'm sorry you have so many losses to deal with. Sounds like your feelings have added up to be a lot on your plate today, and that is understandable. I'm glad you have a found a routine to follow by going to the gym each day. Even small routines can help because it's something you do, but don't have to "think" about.

    Grief is a normal, natural reaction to unpleasant or unwelcome situations. Losing loved ones or relationships certainly causes grief. Be good to yourself. Be kind and loving the way you were to your mother. I'm sure you deserve it because you cared about her so much.
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