It has hit me today that I am never going to be happy. Not like other people anyway. After a weeks holiday off work I have been feeling a little better, smiling and enjoying creating my garden. I felt like there was hope, maybe now the nights are getting longer I will be happier?! Then a small argument with my wife and Im back where I started, in fact now I have felt happiness again it feels worse. Its this cycle that has plagued me for best part of 15 years, my life is a series of major ups and down but im tired. I feel like every time i take a step forward I always fall further back... Im done, I spend my evenings wide awake, waiting to feel tired, usually around 3.30am, go to sleep and wake up feeling good for 20 seconds until the fog of depression falls over me again. I find enjoyment in such a limited amount of things now its becoming hard to enjoy anything. I dont look forward to anything because I dont want to be here. I have accepted that I will eventually kill myself. I hope I can fight it long enough to make sure my family are comfortable but I have no intentions of enduring another winter. Thank you for your help and advice, I hope you can find the strength that I could not.