I've been taking Lexapro for about 6 weeks, it started working very quickly, its taken away the depression very effectively. I just feel normal. Really normal. Not numb, I still get teary eyed watching tv, but I'm really myself again, its really working. Today I had a relapse, just for a few minutes. I was flooded with self hating thoughts, panic, a need to run away and hide from the people around me, I was thinking about hitting and stabbing at myself because for some reason the thought of it calms me when I feel like I'm going to scream. I was freaked out, I thought it was going to escalate, that I was going to be back in that raw twisted feeling of having a huge knot in my throat, my chest, my belly. that feeling of never being able to relax, of hating everything I say and do and wishing fate would take the decision from my hands and just fucking kill me. But it didn't, it flared up for a second but then it was gone again and I felt alright. I really hope the meds dont stop working. I wonder if I need to up the dosage. I still feel a thousand times better than I did before. I hate this depression. I hate it so much. I hate the thought that its all chemical. That I would be perfect if I could just be me without this fuck up in my head. I don't want it to last forever, and I dont want to be on antidepressants forever. Now that I've been reminded of how I can be when I'm not depressed I really don't want to go back to it ever and today freaked me out a bit. I've been happier in the last month than I have been for years and years.