Late last night I had planned to kill myself. Had the pills in my mouth, all I had to do was swallow. But, I thought about everything that my mother did for my birthday and just my mother period, and I just...couldn't. Nothing else would have stopped me from doing what I should have done ( because I'm not optimistic life will get better because of this decision), except for her. Literally, when I considered why I should live, my Mom was the only thing I saw. Everything else was and still is completely irrelevant. Whatever it is about a mother's love that's so powerful I don't know, but I now understand that it'll be a huge obstacle to overcome if I am to go through with it. I think my problem is, I spend so much time planning (mostly so there is zero chance of intervention) that inevitably spent too much time thinking about her. I'm going to have to become an impulse suicider. Planners rarely ever go through with it. Seems like most people who actually succeed kill themselves in a sudden wave of emotional agony. I'll be changing my strategy, my approach, to suicide in the event that things don't get better. Right now, I have my finger on the proverbial trigger so to speak (not literally, just a figure of speech) so whether I pull it or not depends upon...well, who knows right now. But yeah, I need to make the transition from planning to impulse, from thinking to action. We'll see. For a day anyway, I'm here and I'm going to make the most of it.