Mom's Love Was Just Too Much

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HelgasAngel, Apr 10, 2013.

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  1. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    Late last night I had planned to kill myself. Had the pills in my mouth, all I had to do was swallow. But, I thought about everything that my mother did for my birthday and just my mother period, and I just...couldn't. Nothing else would have stopped me from doing what I should have done ( because I'm not optimistic life will get better because of this decision), except for her. Literally, when I considered why I should live, my Mom was the only thing I saw. Everything else was and still is completely irrelevant. Whatever it is about a mother's love that's so powerful I don't know, but I now understand that it'll be a huge obstacle to overcome if I am to go through with it.

    I think my problem is, I spend so much time planning (mostly so there is zero chance of intervention) that inevitably spent too much time thinking about her. I'm going to have to become an impulse suicider. Planners rarely ever go through with it. Seems like most people who actually succeed kill themselves in a sudden wave of emotional agony. I'll be changing my strategy, my approach, to suicide in the event that things don't get better. Right now, I have my finger on the proverbial trigger so to speak (not literally, just a figure of speech) so whether I pull it or not depends upon...well, who knows right now. But yeah, I need to make the transition from planning to impulse, from thinking to action. We'll see. For a day anyway, I'm here and I'm going to make the most of it. :)
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you rethought things last night - though I am not able to follow your logic completely. I understand why - because I also get somewhat confused when I am in a very dark place and am trying to justify what I know to be wrong. I am , in fact, sometimes very persuasive to myself despite knowing everything I am telling myself is pure bullshit.

    I am certain you can see where the logic goes astray - you made a good choice and a choice that was thinking of others - in this case your mother last night. Rather than following on with that in a positive way you have tried to devise a way to make it easier on you - and a way to not give thoughts to others or your mother. This is precisely why everybody says suicide is selfish - because it is done and often even planned out in a way so we do not need think of others (the definition of selfish).

    I do not know how to help you with your pain or even the source of it. If you wanted to discuss that maybe some of the several thousand active members here not currently actively suicidal could give you ideas or ways to make things better. In the mean time - a copy of a true post from a friend of my wife - posted on FB yesterday - a mother about her son -

    I can't believe that tomorrow will be 4 years since <edit> passed away. In some ways I think it has made me stronger and in other ways this has made me as weak as hell. I will never forget 4:14 am on April 10, life changed forever. Heaven gained an angel and I lost one. I will talk about suicide prevention until I can't talk anymore. Please get help if your depressed. Medication is ok. I take meds now...strong ones or I couldn't go day to day. We have all been at some point in that "empty place" and have felt like dying....don't lie you have! When someone takes their own life their pain is gone but the hell for the loved ones left behind to pick up the pieces can not even be measured. Tomorrow I am going to try with everything that I have to put a smile on my face and just get past one more day. I love you <edit out name>

    Four years later and still struggling to come to terms with it everyday - four years of constant pain...

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    you don't have to help me. I didn't really come on here to be helped. I don't want help. I came on here to express my thoughts and feelings about things such as this and to help others.:) I will say that's a sad story. Hoping that that mother understands that her son didn't kill himself to hurt her, (even if he ended up doing just that, ) he killed himself because there wasn't any other solution. God bless you brother.
  4. justastrangegirl

    justastrangegirl Well-Known Member

    i'm really glad you're still here hun :)
  5. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    <3 im glad ur still here too
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