Monday 8th June 1992 - soul stolen

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lost_child, Jun 4, 2008.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    13th Birthday, was at behaviour school..my original school had decided I wouldn't be going back there, behaviour school decided I needed to be back in mainstream school but couldn't go back to the school i was at, so was going to one nearer to where I lived. The hours at behaviour school were less then at mainstream, we done school work in the morning 10:00 to 12:30 then from 13:30 to 14:45 we would do an activity such as skating, canoing...mum was working until 17:00 every day, step dad was working shifts, so if he wasn't sleeping he was at work. My younger sister went to the baby sisters, my older siblings didn't get home until 16:30 most nites and were old enough to look after themselves. So I went to a family friend until mum got home... During that time whilst everyone was at school, working, or coming home that's when he would abuse me..if I was doing my homework he would sit behind me whilst i was doing my work in the living room on the glass coffee table..if I went to the bathroom, he would follow..I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without him touching me, or doing things to himself. This one day, I was on my monthly, my 13th birthday, I don't remember what I got in terms of presents, but I remember what happened. I turned up as normal, he was smiling, gave me a fag, made a cup of tea (I hate the stuff),he said happy birthday and gave me a kiss with he's mouth in mine. yuck. he said he has a surpraise for me as I was now a women, we went to the living room sat on the sofa, he's face went red, he was breathing heavy it was nothing that hadn't happened before, then he undone himself, he has all over my body. forget it. it doesn't matter. I'm NOT SAYING ANYMORE. FORGET IT FORGET IT FORGET IT FUCKING FORGET IT. ~ RIP 08/06/2008
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    What a terrible experience for you hun. Please remember that that was in the past and you are safe from him now unless he still has access to you. My situation was similar to yours, only my birthday present came on my 12th birthday. I know what a struggle it is to try and make peace with yourself after. If you need someone to listen to you, please feel free to PM me. I will get back with you as soon as I can. :hug:
     
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I don't think I can ever make peace with myself. I'm sorry you had to experience this on ur 12th. I'm so sorry.

    I don't know why it feels so different to before, it just does, its not like it was the first time he had se* with me but this was the first time it felt like ra*e, and from that day for 2 more years it was the same, monday-friday, sometimes satudays, violence, ra*e..it all changed on the 13th. I'm sorry. today is the day I really could do with talking to my counsellor but i can't till friday if I make it that far. i don't cry, but today its getting mroe diffiecult to fight them back.

    sorry. just weak. :(
     
  4. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    Not weak. I can't cry and wish i could. I have no emotion any longer. Not real ones. Your story stirred something in me that I had tried to forget about. June 92 was a bad month for me as well. My mother's male friend who was supposed to keep an eye on me while she worked. Started out very similiar. Ended in weed, booze, and finally sex. I hate him, I hate myself more. As a male who had never thought of men that way, and never did since, I still have a hard time believing i could be fooled so easily. I was given a choice. He could be killed, or we could go to the cops. Should have had him killed. The cops did nothing. Never the same. Never the same again. False emotions, true hatred. Thanks for letting me talk. Sry for June.
     
  5. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that I triggered this memory for you, I'm so so sorry.

    God I'm sorry for everything. I need to speak to my counsellor but no avail, can't until friday, this isn't good. crisis point and i'm not sure if I can live another minute, second like this.
     
  6. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    Nothing to be sorry for. It's my story. It's my life. You had nothing to do with it. It's good to pick at scabs sometimes. Your actions have not hurt me. Plz don't think that you did. Unfortunately I have felt little, if any, real emotions in a decade or so. For this i thank you.
     
  7. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    does the pain ever really end, how can pain that you can't see be so intense. I desperately need a friend, but my friend is havin a difficult time herself I'm so selfish, how can I be feeling like this, why am i feeling like this. its in the past so why does it hurt more today then it did then. why.
     
  8. silver76

    silver76 Active Member

    There are a couple of ways to deal with it. One get help. Sounds like you are doing that. Talk to people here or other places, where they can identify with you. Or like I have done, suppress it. This can make things much worse in certain perspectives. The people close to me call me a robot. Others are crying, im not. Others are moved im not. Others are also happy. Im NOT. I can't remember the last time I was truely happy. Less depressed yes, not happy. I suggest you keep with the cousiling and the posts.

    And honestly i don't think the pain will ever leave completely. It hurts now more then before because you have had 16 years to dwell on it. To run it over and over in your mind. To blame yourself. To feel ashamed and guilty. To feel misunderstood, alone, and helpless. Your not helpless anymore. You can get help. You can try and work through it. I am in a different situation, so that I can't seek help, but you can and should. If you councelor is not always available, find a peer group you go to. You are not alone.
     
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I feel for you! I'm a male and find the actions of other males totally unforgiving. My daughter was molested by her uncle on her moms side of the family. I told my ex that if I ever get within reach of him, He will be one dead SOB.
    Have you considered turning him into the law. Bastards like that need to be hung by there cojones. It just burns me up everytime I hear of this, that I relate it back to my daughter. I told her if he's around keep my grandaughter away from him.
    Sorry I sort or got caught up in the thought. I am really sorry to here this. I hope you don't harbor resentmant towards all males. There are some of us who are really offended by the actions of others.
    You need to talk to someone because if you don't it can fester in side of you and cause more damage. I wish you the best of luck.....:chopper:
     
  10. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hi there.
    In time like this i really hate the fact i am a guy, i feel shame, guilt and anger.
    So many girls beeing abused by males, so many!!
    Sometimes i think that if any of those girls would tell me who did it to them
    i could go and do things to him.... like cuting his balls and feed him with them...
    well it is just my sick mind mixed with a strong fealing of hate.

    I knew a girl once, she was raped and abused by her own father, she hated
    guys, i done everything i could to make her trust me, we had a great time
    together, i promissed her, by her request, to not touch her in any way,
    i done all i could to make her happy, we went out to McDonnalds, movies,
    we spent hours watching stars at night, loughing about things, but
    i couldnt do anything about the way she felt about herself, she kept telling
    me that she will never love a guy, and that she is ugly and so on.
    I tryed so hard to make her feel happy, after a while i fall in love with her,
    i tryed to do everything i could so that she will trust me, but with no success.
    after few months, she dissapiers, i couldnt conntact her in any way.
    it was so hard for me, this was the only time i tryed to suicide and
    it was worth it.

    I shared this story for the very first time sence it happend
    i done it so that mybe you will understand that not everything is lost
    i hope it helped.
     
  11. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I did surpress the pain, the memories, I managed it until I was 26 then I was raped in the november of 2005 (and other things have happened since then) and after months of destructive behaviour and overdose with hospital admittance, I broke down completely, all memories came flooding back, since then I've not been able to move on, let go or anything.. I don't trust men, I know that not all men abuse, but I can't trust men nor women. Jim wasn't the first person to abuse me, other men have also..and my ex beat me on many occassions..all trust in humans has gone, any hope gone..i won't ever love again, I won't ever trust again..in fear it will happen again.

    I was so close to killing myself, the only reason I'm here at the moment is cause I posted..I'm not sure how long I have left on this earth. sorry
     
  12. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hi again
    I dont think that i possible can feal what you are fealing now
    i never been raped, but i do know what real pain is, the sort of pain
    that makes phisical pain to look like a jental touch.


    I dont know much about what to do in such situations
    but i do know that if you talk to someone who can undarstand the
    pain you are going threw, it will be so much easier for you.
    You can try the SF chat, i found it helpfull, sometimes..
     
  13. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I went into chat....and stayed for a while. I will try again I just don't know who I can talk too.

    pls can someone just take us away from all of this.
     
  14. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya,

    I found the same with Chat I did not know who to talk to.

    You have been through so much. I also have been in a similar position but I was much younger than you. I still cannot come to terms with it and I am always coming up with ways as to how I could have stopped it. I do not know why it happened to me other than I get the feeling it was him getting his own back on my mum but from what I know he used all the usual tricks and managed to get me to do what he wanted. I feel and felt so dirty and yet I still did not tell anyone. I am not going to say anymore about how it has made me feel because you prob feel it aswell + I struggle to think about it without wanting to kill myself or him.

    You are strong to be able to talk about it on here. The fact that you are still alive means that he still has not beaten you. I admire your strength to try and explain everything. I have tried but got knocked back by some people.

    Am here if you want to talk. Feel free to PM me if you want. I can not promise to take this all away from you even though I really want to but I can try and help you through it. I also know that you have never met me on here properly so your trust in me is prob not very high.

    Keep going strong and as I said if you want to chat....

    Sam
    x
     
  15. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I did tell someone my mum but she told me NEVER to speak of it again..I told my mum about my father, and he's step son...it was ignored, I was ignored...I think she felt it was my own fault.

    He started abusing me when I was 8 until I was 15, although there was se* before my 13th it was the first time it felt like r**e. I know that probably makes no sense, my p/therapist says everytime he had se* with me it was ra*e...but it didn't feel like that. I know he's a pedo*, my P/T says it probably changed because I was no longer a child and he was angry at me, but he couldn't let me go because he possibly truely believed he loved me.... he has abused other girls and I feel guilty as one went to the police and I never went forward to support her so i let him escape being prosecuted.

    I can say it on here because no1 knows me and I can disattach myself from the past, because its not mine, its her's.

    I'm sorry that you had to experience similar "circumstances" and I hope you find the strength to break the silence and begin to heal.

    xx
     
  16. carol2237

    carol2237 Guest

    lost_child and butterflies32,

    I was reading through this thread, as I too have been raped, multiple times by people i trust. From the time I was 5, I have not been a virgin, however, I too supressed the thoughts, and eventually got over it and stopped thinking about it. Until the most recient rape that is.

    Anyways, that is not the point of this post. I wanted to post to let you two know that I am almost always available in chat if you want to talk, and if I dont answer, leave a PM and I will answer it when i return. Please take care of yourselves *huggles*

    Caroline
     
  17. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Why are so many children hurt by scum of the earth, sorry. I won't and dont' thankfully understand the mind of someone who does this to children, it ruins lifes, it takes away the childs life, a childs right...a body to young, not "designed" for kind of acts this sick ppl perform. sorry.

    ty for you reply Caroline, and I'm sorry this ever happened to you x
     
  18. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Caroline.

    I do not know about anyone else but knowing that someone else is in a similar boat is strangely comforting?

    Sam
    x
     
  19. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    The pain does fade over time, but it never fully goes. I was abused when I was 6 and it still hurts but I've mostly come to terms with it. There's a lot of support on here, don't be afraid to talk about it if you need to. Regarding the chat room, if I'm around I'll always answer PMs (I'm a guy though so if that makes anyone uncomfortable I understand). Just wanna say to you all that it was not your fault.
     
  20. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Hey,

    Thanks though I am really sorry that you have suffered in this way to. Everyone is sympathetic when it comes to a girl and it is more well known when it comes to abuse...that girls are more likely to be abused' but then I say that because you are more likely to hear about a girl getting abused than a man/boy on the news and most programmes.

    I can not imagine what it was like for you. I am so sorry.

    Sam

    p.s. how did you start believing it was not your fault. I can't and I hate myself for what has happenned.
     
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