Money/Suicide.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kokoax, Aug 9, 2013.

  1. Kokoax

    Kokoax New Member

    I just want to rant, and honestly don't care if anyone reads this or responds or not.

    I've spent too many years depressed. I've actually always been the most "optimistic" and positive people that most people have ever known.
    But truthfully, I'm an entirely different person on the inside.

    OK, let's just throw this out there... I'm an escort. And no, don't you even dare call me a *****, or a slut, or whatever other pathetic terms you may have for me. It's actually a great job. I love it. I have trouble connecting with people, so carefree sex is actually within my comfort zone. My clients have taught me more than I ever learned in all of my years of school, and I'm proud to know that most of my knowledge has come from the school of hard knocks. Escorting has been a business for me, and it has taught me more about marketing and entrepreneurship than anything.

    Now I've come to the conclusion that I want to be my own boss, but aside from art, I have no passion(s). I have no idea what I want my business to be, and as sad and picky as this may sound, I have realized that if I don't end up incredibly successful and wealthy in the future, then suicide looks like a really comforting thought for me.

    For some insight as to why I think this way... I grew up dirt poor, and since I began escorting I've experienced a life that I never knew existed outside of movies and books. It's enabled me to get back into school, move out of a broken household, and I even adopted an amazing dog who helps remind me of the happiness in life. She actually helped me to control my PTSD enough to go back outside (I used to go into dream-like states whenever leaving the home because of anxiety and terrible experiences). I now enjoy walking my dog and taking her to the park, and it's brought me to a place I didn't think I would get to.

    Ugh I know I'm ranting... I just want to make it clear that I don't exactly have depression or anxiety, but I just know that if I ever had to go back to living the life that I lived when growing up, then I wouldn't want to be alive at all. I find happiness in financial security and money to spend on whatever I'd like, and I don't want that to ever go away. Lastly, I NEVER want to have to rely on someone else (family, significant other, etc...) to live this life. I want it to be 100% on my own.

    Suicide is just a comforting coping method to remind me that my life is entirely in my own control...

    Anyway, if you read this then thank you. But please don't comment saying "go to therapy" or "get on medications". Again, this isn't a mental disorder. Drugs and therapy aren't going to make money worries go away. Sure, they'll help me with HANDLING the issues, but I know how to do that. It's just hard.
     
  2. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    If it makes you happy and gives you a chance at developing yourself to find other ways to support that life financially (schooling is always a good way to go), and develops your skills (marketing and entreprenureships along with others - people person, customer satisfaction, often key in making a financially profitable business) - then it deserves to be considered.

    You have a passion for art - are we talking paintings/sculpture/music? Perhaps that might enable you to look and research a niche that you wish to go into business wise?