Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by stormfront, Nov 26, 2013.

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  1. stormfront

    stormfront Member

    So here I type, going from having a nearly perfect night on Saturday night to having suicidal ideation tonight.

    Saturday night my spouse threw a surprise party for me. Lots of friends and family showed. It was at a local bar. People talked to me, congratulated me, gifts galore. I don't think I ever felt so loved that night - the wife made a speech about how special I was and started crying. My kids sang to me. People hugged me. Lots of cake, food, music. Hell, people I barely knew came and made a great time of it.

    Then the bill came. My wife hid it from me, knowing my biggest worries is our financial situation (which is bordering on bankruptcy right now). Eventually I would see it, and today I did. I was totally floored. I get that she wanted to make this a special event - but this sucked up our remaining savings and now we have nothing for Christmas. And we fought - one of the worst fights we've had in years.

    Don't get me wrong, she is a great woman - we've been together nearly 30 years - yet she is the worst when it comes to financial responsibility. And before you ask, we've tried. We've sat down and I've shown her our bank account. We've been to financial counselors, marriage counselors, with the idea of her trying to get involved in the finances. She just doesn't GET IT. I mean, its like her mind just freezes. And she has readily admitted that fact; but doesn't see her spending as a problem. And its really NOT a problem, I know of many people who are much worse than we are. But her job sucks and doesn't pay well enough, and we're currently about $500/m behind. Some months with my overtime we break even, so that works out. I was lucky to bust my ass over the summer to put some in the savings, now its gone.

    So anyway, I started thinking of my life insurance. Suicide will be covered due to me having the policy for over 10 years.

    It just all started making sense to me. My death will actually benefit everyone. All our loans, credit cards, house and car would be paid off. My kids college tuition loans, for which she's struggling with, would be paid. There would be enough money left over for spending, too. Not to mention there would be Social Security survivors benefits paid to the wife every month. And then she could sell the house to get away from the memories and use the proceeds to buy a smaller one. And the wife is still young enough and good looking to hook up with someone else.

    I think the only thing that is keeping me going is my youngest. I think the wife and oldest kid could handle it, but not the little one. We're practically twins.

    I really hate how money rules my life.

    Can anyone throw some advice my way?
  2. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    Do you really think your family would rather have money than have you? Saying they could "handle it" is the sickness in your head talking. No, they really couldn't. Nor should they have to if you can possibly avoid it. You may not care about this right now, but you should.

    If you have children and you do not have enough money for food and housing, you can apply for public assistance. There are food banks and other assistance programs for families. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. I understand that sometimes it feels like failure to seek assistance, but it's not really. And it doesn't have to be for long. Just to ease some of the burdens.

    As for your wife....I'm just like her. Fortunately, I only have myself to take care of and when I screw up, I only hurt myself. Perhaps you could take over the finances? I know this might not go over well, but maybe set up a separate account for savings to which your wife does not have access? I know it's harsh, but when money is tight, sometimes you have to do the hard thing.

    Every time in my life I've felt as if I couldn't go lower, I've gone lower until I had nothing. I couldn't work, I had no place to live, I had no money, no family, no friends. I almost died...I almost didn't even have my life. You have a lot to live for and resources to make it through. I hope you can figure out how to hang on. My biggest regret in my life is that I don't have a family like yours. Cherish your family. Don't throw it away.

  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    As yet another "hopeless with money" individual, I am agreeing with all wynged just said.
    A separate savings account that she can't access would make sense and if she's anything like me she'll see the sense in it too.
    Money worries drain the life out of a person, especially when you have dependants.
    You sound profoundly depressed by the whole thing, so tackle the problem, don't break your family's hearts with your needless demise.
  4. stormfront

    stormfront Member

    @ wynged: Its not a matter of needing public assistance. I don't, which I'm lucky for. Generally we live from check to check; if I have any overtime it gets socked away in the savings. That's what frustrated me, the expenditure during a time of needing to save. And I'm the one in charge of the finances anyway, I've said she is just terrible with money and I'm the financial wizard here. How I've managed to keep us afloat is a miracle. But yeah, my kids need me for sure. These last couple of days they've come to me with problems which I've been able to solve. I can't imagine how they'd do it without me.

    @ Terry: Your last line really got me thinking. I am depressed because of this situation. I'm sure I'm not the only one who had suicidal flashes when under severe stress, whether it be money, a relationship - I'm thinking a little more rationally now and see that sure, money problems would be solved but I'd really fuck up my kids lives, and they are what keeps me going.

    I had to do something I don't like doing - tough love to the wife. Effective immediately, we got separate accounts. She really got mad at me, accusing me of springing this on her, but the only way I feel she will learn how to be financially responsible. I did it with my kid, and it really was rough at first telling her NO when she really needed money, but she started to budget and now is very prudent with her money.

    Plus, I have other options, I can see a financial counselor after the holidays who will take over for us - this way she has to go through HIM instead of me.

    Thanks for the help.
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Glad it's looking sorted :)

    And don't worry too much about her getting mad, once she's thought on it she will see the sense of the whole thing.
    God knows I can't be left in charge of financies, I'm a train wreck lol
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