Money

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Eno, Aug 23, 2007.

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  1. Eno

    Eno Guest

    Right now the main factor that is driving me to suicide is money, or rather lack of it.

    I have been suicidal on and off for thirteen years and I have quit many jobs (about 50) due to many problems with myself and things outside myself coming into contact with me or my senses. In the past I used to just get another job (I know it seems ungrateful but there's a lot more to this than it seems) so money has always been there but over the last year I have really struggled with getting work.

    My work history doesn't look to bad when I cut it down to like seven jobs pretending I can commit but this last year I just cannot find the confidence to phone potential employers. I have been working but for temp agencies and I've been through about three of these this year alone and a cleaning job and I am currently meant to be working on a farm with a family who lost their kid and both parents are as depressed as me and it is a nightmare for us all to be near one another. This is all due to my bipolar crap, suicidal tendencies and loss of control over my feelings, emotions and thoughts screwing up the assignments.

    I've been through counceling, many meds and have been through all the doctors at my local surgery. I got signed off sick for a very short time and was then forced by my GP against my councelors assessment to stop my sick benefits and sign on for jobseekers allowance and find work. This hasn't helped it has made me worse because I know I can't deal with people well anyway but especially this last year. My councelor got promoted and I couldn't see her anymore. I was happy for her but I would have to start at the beginning with a new councelor and can't do it right now. Once again like many times before I feel the system has let me down. I have lost all of faith in the system through much experience.

    Anyway I have creditors to pay and all that and I can't pay them if I don't work. This more realistic add on to my problems is tipping me over the edge. Don't (or can't seem to) work = No money = Homelessness or suicide. I have slept rough before and barely survived (in fact that was when I first attempted suicide). My family helped me when i turned to them that time but I cannot pout them through it all again. I am not going back to that and so suicide is my only option as far as I can see.

    Has anyone here got through times like these and can you offer any advice. I would really appreciate it. It is mainly the fear of homelessness again and creditors hounding me. I suspect only I can get myself through this though. I am just very lonely. I do have family but they have their own lives and I will not make them suffer my crap anymore. I have no friends, no social network at all.

    I would like to do some voluntary work but that world just seems as scary and beauracratic and serious as the working world. Sorry. I have a noose and a car and access to a garage (not for long) and I am close now. I don't WANT to die like none of us WANT to but I understand so well now some of the reasons people do it as a result of this this cold, money driven, inhumane system that rules most of our lives and that we all HAVE to be a part of.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2007
  2. Eno

    Eno Guest

    Jeez, that was me three years ago.

    Well I'm still alive & somehow still not homeless (though I know many who are & most of them are the best people I've ever known).

    Anyway, judging from having 0 responses to this post it seems no one really cared if I made it through those times in 2007 or perhaps it was just that no one had any kind of reply to give me. Is that why I left this forum in 2007 & haven't returned until now having forgotten why I did leave?

    I know I talked to many people here in 2007 & tried helping a few as best I could & got to know one member quite well but...THAT'S IT! THAT'S WHY I LEFT! I LEFT BECAUSE I WOULD TRY & HELP OTHERS & TRY AND BRING SOME POSITIVITY WHEN IT WAS IN ME BUT PEOPLE KEPT DOWNING ON ME & I GOT SICK OF IT & ALSO I THINK I JUST DECIDED THAT SUICIDE FORUM WAS PERHAPS NOT WHERE I NEEDED TO BE AT THE TIME.

    Whatever, here I am three years later & almost completely not suicidal anymore. I hope that can be an inspiration to others here that one can be extremely suicidal for fifteen years & then over time become almost completely not suicidal.

    I don't know. A bit confused now so gonna take a break.

    Whatever's in the past I hope everyone here is doing okay/well today :smile:.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2010
  3. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Hi, and welcome back. Glad you're doing better.

    It's probably that no one could think of a response. Know I wouldn't have known what to say.
     
  4. Eno

    Eno Guest

    Thanks for the welcome back. Hope you’re doing okay/well today bluebird :smile:

    Thanks, that helps me understand better.

    Actually I now recall I always found it difficult to reply to other peolpes' posts of these kinds. I guess I got what I gave when I sent that out because I rarely ever replied to others' desperate posts because I'd sit there trying to think of what to say & then think it best not to say anything & I'd run away & pray for them so I was at least channeling my energy to them in the hope that Whatever God Possibly Is was/is real & would help them. Perhaps I can help others who send out a desperate post in the future because I know where they're at. I swear it's the most difficult thing of human interaction I've ever known.

    Well, hopefully I'll never send out a post like that again & really wish I hadn’t dug it up.

    Worse personal stuff rant deleted. I think I’m learning to keep my posts shorter at last (but still need to work on that I think).

    All apologies to all of you who entered/enter this thread. I will not post here anymore & hopefully others won't too & this thread can disappear into the mists of time where I now wish I had left it.
     
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