Monster's Refuge

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Rind, Apr 9, 2010.

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  1. Rind

    Rind New Member

    Hi, everyone.

    I'm a male, in my late teen to early 20 years. Sorry if this seems kind of out of the blue, but I guess I'll just say and it get it over with - I'm a pedophile.

    I've never hurt anyone. Never even tried. I've been left alone with children hundreds of times and never even considered acting on the horrible desires in my head. I've been struggling with this condition since I was an adolescent. It was when I began to realize it that my life, and my future, began to slowly grind to a halt. I've kept it hidden, hated myself, tortured myself, forced myself deep inside, isolating myself from everyone. I've tried to tell people, but the results were catastrophic, and luckily those were only online incidents that can't follow me. I have no one to talk to. I'm alone. I've become afraid of people, because I know that there is no place for a thing like me in this world.

    I've been considering suicide for years. I've never made a serious attempt, but I've engaged in almost every manner of self mutilation, from cutting to burning to hitting myself. Several people have also told me to get checked for asperger's syndrome and a few other physical illnesses that cause deprssion. Not to mention I've been single for pretty much my entire life (obviously), have no job, no prospects, and no future. But regardless, my main source of despair is my pedophilia, and lack of an ability to connect with people or form real relationships as a result.

    People have attacked me on forums before, and honestly, even though this is a forum that is supposed to help people, I see it being no different here. Even the most compassionate bleeding hearts don't hesitate to turn around and destroy what they view as a worthless monster. I'm the one exception to the "what you feel can't be a crime" idea. So I fully expect to be torn apart, again, and have to leave, like always.

    But I'll at least give it a try. Hello everyone.
  2. CloudCatching

    CloudCatching Well-Known Member

    Well, first and foremost. Hello and welcome to SF!

    If you say you haven't acted on anything, I'm just going to believe you. I will tell you no matter what other people say, you're not a monster. You can't help who you like, but if you did act on whatever feelings you're having my opinion would completely change of you and I'm saying that now.

    You deserve just as much support as anyone else on this forum and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

    Now that that's aside... Have you ever taken anything for your depression?
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Rind , Just want to welcome you to the forum. Pm me if you'd like a chat :) :hug:
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    welcome rind.....I will not condemn you as you say you haven't acted on the impulses...
    you are trying to do the right thing which is good...
    I would suggest you get to a doctor and see what can be done to deal with the urges you have.....meds and therapy maybe??...
    it's not fair you have to live with this illness....if something can be done to fix it please try....
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums.. I am beleiving you that you haven't harmed anyone.. Are you in counseling??I'm sure you would find it to be very helpfull..If worst comes around and you find it can't be controlled you can only in worst case senario get yourself chemically castrated.. It's reversible so you won't have to live that way forever..I'm repeating that again --Only in a worst case senario!!!
  6. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    welcome. much like the others i'm willing to believe you have not acted on your impulses if you say so. as long as you are not harming anyone, you should find a place here. i would urge you to seek help for your condition so that no harm does come to you or anyone else.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Hello Rind. :shake:
  8. Rind

    Rind New Member

    Well, thank you for the welcomes. And thank you for believing what I say about never having acted on my feelings. I'm surprised - usually there is at least one person who believes I've chosen this path, or that there aren't any pedophiles with self control, and that we're all ticking timebombs just waiting to go off and harm a child. I despise and fear such people more than I can describe. But rest assured that I'm very capable of controlling myself.

    I have done a lot of research on the subject of pedophilia, and as far as I know, there is no cure or adequate treatment for the pedophiliac tendencies themselves. It's not a "disease" so much as a "condition," meaning that it isn't something that infects the body or mind. It's just a way some of us are born.

    Furthermore, I wouldn't dare tell a doctor - a person in real life, who has my name and all my other information. I can't even tell people I know about it, let alone a stranger, and even more so a stranger who has the power to remove me from society if s/he feels I am a "threat to [myself] or others."

    My only choices are to:
    1) Try and find a way to live with this suffering for the rest of my life, for the sake of others, who will never know or appreciate it one bit.
    2) Kill myself now and spare the agony.
    3) Act on my desires, which is just out of the question for obvious reasons.

    So really, I only have two choices. And obviously that's why I joined this forum.

    I'm hoping I can find a real reason to go on with life.
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