Months turn to seconds

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by JustFirefly, Oct 18, 2011.

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  1. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Months. Months turn to seconds as i count how long its been since i last cut. I admit, i never let it get bad. But with all the new stress added into my life... All the dreams that have been crushed lately, and the changes from my life. This is all just a reminder on how i did fail.

    The feeling? its quite an empty one, very empty. I feel worthless almost. But then theres a surplus of this emotion. To much of it, to much feeling. To much worthlessness brings on a self hate, a depression that i cant quite control yet. My head is yelling at me telling me to do it. Then the other part inside of me is telling me no. Its good angel, bad devil shoulder puppets to the extreme. I feel like im going crazy as the devil in my head starts to take control. Telling me it wont be that bad, telling me that i will have control. That i wont let it get bad, that im not like "them".

    Them is the term my parents, friends, and family use. I live in a society where if your messed up in any way your a complete outsider....
    Yeah.

    Well... The voice is so tempting to listen to.... That i just forget who i am sometimes. Just listening to its soothing tone takes some of the full force emptiness and overwhelming emotions and tones it down. And then it promises me more...

    Then the angel tells me.. again and again...
    Theres a thin thin line between control and the loss of it.
    I keep saying i wont make that mistake.. That it will just be once...




    But with how things have been lately, today was my "once" and now all i can think about is...
    Again?
    Now?
    3-4 more?
    Or maybe wait a little longer.. Wait till you break down again... You have your tools now. You have your cleaning supplies... Give it a week and just watch..

    That little devil voice seems content with... "Just wait and see waht happens" and the other voice is in sheer panic. Like oh my god your about to lose it hardcore. You need to stop... This is your last chance..

    But i keep trying to say it will be okay..

    Im losing it. What a headache i have.
     
  2. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Small Update

    I gave in pretty bad and i got a few heavy bloods spots im cleaning right now... The feeling is interesting.
    I feel good that i gave in finally. its like i finally did something that was for me. Something i could control. But i feel bad when i look at the marks it left. Im happy and relaxed now. I think im falling into an adiction, i hope i dont make the ones closest to me worry. They deserve better then this but this feels so good and right. Giving in to the voice just calms everything down. I feel 100x better... Ahhh... Im not even freaking out about the food i ate.
     
  3. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Please don't fucking cut yourself. I don't need you to feel that pain and I want you to be healthy.

    But I absolutely understand the feeling of losing control over one's self. I tell myself I won't punch something out of frustration, and then I do. But what I do is constantly remind myself to not fucking lose control. I'm conscious of the fact that I have mental issues, so I don't lose it. I've been doing this for about a week now, minding myself to keep it under control. I also remind myself that I have no reason to have the feelings that I do.

    You need to erase that "shoulder devil" from your head. Whatever it "says" is bullshit. You need to stop hurting yourself.
     
  4. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Fuck.

    When I punched my microwave, I cut myself a little and I enjoyed the pain as well, but please stop. I know what it's like, but it's still not good. You're hurting yourself and it's disturbing. Please stop, honey.
     
  5. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    its one of those nasty fights that i cant seem to quite win fully. Its no longer the fear of cutting, its the fear of that im addicted to it and the reoccurance of wanting to do it is whats driving me insane.

    Im okay for now... ANd im trying to stop.. Its just nice to be sane for once in a long time of things going wrong.

    But i very much like that people care so thank you! and ill do my best! I Promise!
     
  6. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    You can win!! You can! It seem unbeatable, but the desire to cut to make yourself feel better can be defeated. I've felt like I was addicted to a certain thing before, but I've largely stopped.

    You need to see someone. A counselor is necessary for your well-being, I think. I myself am going to start seeing one again soon.
     
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