Months. Months turn to seconds as i count how long its been since i last cut. I admit, i never let it get bad. But with all the new stress added into my life... All the dreams that have been crushed lately, and the changes from my life. This is all just a reminder on how i did fail. The feeling? its quite an empty one, very empty. I feel worthless almost. But then theres a surplus of this emotion. To much of it, to much feeling. To much worthlessness brings on a self hate, a depression that i cant quite control yet. My head is yelling at me telling me to do it. Then the other part inside of me is telling me no. Its good angel, bad devil shoulder puppets to the extreme. I feel like im going crazy as the devil in my head starts to take control. Telling me it wont be that bad, telling me that i will have control. That i wont let it get bad, that im not like "them". Them is the term my parents, friends, and family use. I live in a society where if your messed up in any way your a complete outsider.... Yeah. Well... The voice is so tempting to listen to.... That i just forget who i am sometimes. Just listening to its soothing tone takes some of the full force emptiness and overwhelming emotions and tones it down. And then it promises me more... Then the angel tells me.. again and again... Theres a thin thin line between control and the loss of it. I keep saying i wont make that mistake.. That it will just be once... But with how things have been lately, today was my "once" and now all i can think about is... Again? Now? 3-4 more? Or maybe wait a little longer.. Wait till you break down again... You have your tools now. You have your cleaning supplies... Give it a week and just watch.. That little devil voice seems content with... "Just wait and see waht happens" and the other voice is in sheer panic. Like oh my god your about to lose it hardcore. You need to stop... This is your last chance.. But i keep trying to say it will be okay.. Im losing it. What a headache i have.