Do you think that the last few semi-sleepless nights have at least in part, contributed to this newfound state (of despair)? If it's any consolation, I know what you're going through, at least in terms of what you're describing right here. Also exacerbating, or not helping things, is the state of affairs both on a micro and macroscopic level. So, try to go easy on yourself, and I agree with @Angie, maybe a visit with your p-doc, or a phone call with your CPN would be best?
Life has been hard on people for millions of years.
But I truly believe we entered a new timeline just after ww2. Around 1945 to be precise.
Yet our Grandparents got hit hard by life hard, but own parents certainly were not trying to stay alive in some sh*tpit trench in France or be at home wondering if there brother/father/nephew etc was still alive.
No, our parents were bullied big time by there own parents, because deep down our Grandparents lost a large part of there lives in there 40's to 50's years old.
And then what do our parents do?
They do worse lol, because they are all bitter and angry.
Then you have our generation and what do we do? We give up, kill ourselves. Because it's just not worth it, is it?
But F*CK em, F*CK EM ALL, why should we be the ones to kill ourselves...
And that's all life is about, fighting to stay alive...
IT'S throughout the whole animal kingdom and will never stop as long as the planet needs food and water to survive.
YET, if you go back to the Maya civilisation it shows a life where everybody was connected. They were different.
Yes the Maya's died off and mysteriously vanished, But the Maya's grew out of a civilisation very similar to our generation right now.
I'm so sorry Butterfly! I really am... Work has got to be pure stress these days, with what you're doing & where you're at. Environmentally. . . Just keep doing your best to fight! And I'm so glad that you are taking such a proactive approach to try and tackle, or handle this thing. To me, that is a great sign! : ) Whatever you do, just don't give up- We've all got your back here.
I think it all begins in just recognising your thought response to a situation.
So lets say tomorrow morning you wake up and somebody says something that triggers you.
I don't know but let's just make up something for arguments sake.
'Morning (your name here), I see you've got out of the wrong side of the bed again and am just as miserable as always'
Now this will have a reaction, a reaction that has been the same for many years as :
A: Somebody just hurt you
B: Your response has always been the same because it's familiar territory
C: People should know that they are the reason you are miserable and shouldn't say such things to provoke it
D: You wouldn't be so miserable if they would just vanish
E: I didn't feel miserable before I got up but I do now
Yet all of the above is a waste of energy.
Now some hardball people in this life would fight fire with fire as a safeguard, and come back instantly with, 'well I wasn't miserable until I set eyes on your ugly face' lol.
And 9 times out of 10 this will either shut the other person up or a fight breaks out.
Still a waste of energy but I doubt the next morning it would ever happen again.
Yet still a waste of energy though probably has a more positive outcome going that route.
Personally though and if you break down the whole thing from the beginning then somebody has learnt how to tap into your senses and wind you up.
This is usually because they are the ones that are really miserable and want you to feel worse.
The absolute worst thing you could do in the above example is to just smile and say 'I'm not miserable, actually it's a joy to see you'
This would be fatal for the other person as they have not managed to make you feel worse, in fact they will feel even more miserable than they could of ever imagined because you are no-where near being miserable as they really are.
So to figure it out all you need to do is think about things a little bit differently than you always have before.
Not just go and sit in bed and stew on it, by all means go and lay in bed but analyse it. Analyse it from your side of the fence and not there's.
Learn the feelings you feel when someone or something taps into your senses. Analyse your response and learn that for the past 20 odd years they have never served you well at all.
Keep doing that day after day and after a week you will start to notice change, and everybody around you starts to change!