Mood swings today (May Trigger)

[1Lefty]

A couple of days ago, I called the police station, trying to find out how sis and bro-in-law got my keys to enter my home without permission, remove several objects, including a private journal. The journal was used against me in the psych ward.
Anyway, last night, the officer who took me into custody, called. Surprisingly (at least from a man I expected to shoot me), we had a good conversation. In the ambulance, he had said to call him if things got bad again. I asked him during the call if he was sincere then, and he said he was, as long as he was on duty, he could probably come by or at least call. I thought that was pretty cool.
But, today early, and then later doing errands, I was an emotional mess, screaming in the car, crying, asking God to send Alesia to come and get me, I'm really at the same place I was a few days before the attempt. I still feel like there's nothing left for me here.
Hospital therapists and my counselor all suggested getting active, find a hobby I could find interest in - I've been getting those same suggestions for over a year. There is nothing now that I find fascinating, or even gets my interest. Music, poetry, literature, movies, philosophical talks with my wife,
Fall was our favorite time of year, and though I could notice the foliage changing, there was no sense of majesty and grandeur. I'm afraid everything that used to be wonderful, is now washed out and faded, there is no vibrancy, the kind that makes you breathe deeply and savor the sights and sounds and smells of this season.

 

[Isabel]

Hi Lefty,

Mourning is such a long and difficult process. I hope you reach out to your friends and family so at least you feel supported going through all of this. Maybe finding something new to do, something which would not remind you of your wife would help, at least a few hours a week to move on with your life. Something you could do surrounded by other people like a woodworking class. Even if at first you dont have an interest, it would be something different to focus on.. I wish there was something I could say to make it easier for you but there is really nothing but time to heal that kind of loss. wish you well.

 

[Sadeyes]

Is there anywhere you can volunteer to read to children or elders living in skilled nursing facilities? Sometimes, being engaged in the care of others can take us away from our own troubles.

 

[1Lefty]

Thank you, Sadeyes. May sound weird but I feel more friends or kindred spirits here. I think I'm more likely to vent or unburden myself here.I've got a couple of friends, but given my recent attempt I feel I have to guard my words so as not to worry them. As far as family, mine were given written instruction (and maybe an example) of how to get me locked up for 96 hours if they are concerned for my safety or the well-being of others. Rather a broad proclamation, and the nurse practitioner made sure that I also knew what power they had. Given their judgemental states of mind, I can easily see an accidental cut becoming "Oh, my god, he's cutting again, where's the phone?"
And given the overall mistrust and betrayal I've recently experienced recently, I'm not in a real trusting mind.