i feel so unbearably morbid. i've never felt so close to suicide. its because i feel happy, but inadequate. i keep critiquing my personality. to the point of crazyness. i want to be a better person. but i'm afraid that i've become obsessed with my faults. or even worse, unable to fix them. situations come and go as well as people. the problem resides in me. i'm terrified of the fact that even if i leave the people and situations i have now... that nothing will change. because i haven't changed. i feel like a psycho. i try so hard to feel apathetic. caring little about what i say and seeming happy. but i also feel like i'm in a dream. i'm having trouble focusing on things. the apathy has become overwhelming. i just honestly don't give a shit anymore. about anything. i look at my future in a realistic manner as of currently. when i know the healthy thing to do is to have goals and ambition. that can keep anyone happy for the rest of their life. but i'm SO over trying. its not the depression anymore. i'm not sad. i'm just FUCKING tired of trying. where is that momentary ecstasy in life that we all look for? whether it be in love or success... i need it or else i'm done trying. the problem there is that i'm terrified of love and the obsession and dependency that ensues. as well as becoming a pathetic human being. my life shouldn't revolve around one individual, that isn't fair. and to top it off i'm a psycho anyway. or at least, i feel like i'm crazy after me and my ex broke up. he made me feel and become fucking crazy. so that leaves out relationships. the easiest ecstasy there is to find. the only thing i have going for me is that i'm pretty. who gives a shit about artistic. my personality sucks. so where is my success? a feat that is much harder to reach. considering a healthy mindset is something needed to be successful... and i'm over trying to forcibly change my mentality. i think i'm fucked.