More and more disgusted

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Koumy, Jul 13, 2016.

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  1. Koumy

    Koumy Member

    It has been exactly 10 years from my last significant suicide attempt.

    Sure, things went for the better afterwards, but after 10 years, I am now back to the same point.

    Still have no purpose in life. Realized I have to grind 30 years+ working just to keep the body functional and having no other objectives in life, which is showing traces of failure day after day. Alone, first by choice. Then I wanted to have a circle of friends, but nobody does not want to deal with a wreck like me. Social anxiety and bipolar personality disorder don't help either. Despite of having a job (which I will lose it soon), I have no place in this society. So as the time flies, I spend my time hating the society and cursing myself.

    Every time I look myself at the mirror, I am disgusted of what I become. Used to be the cute type when I was 20, I look horrible now. I think I could be a child molester or something worse because of my current face.

    In the morning when I have to go to work,< mod edit - methods>. I spend my nights browsing the Internet for suicide methods or watching suicide videos.

    I am just a waste of space anyway, lagging far behind from my peers which generally dispises me. I don't have the will nor the patience nor the ressources to fix myself to be more acceptable around others. I hate myself for what I am, how I look. I think I should better go.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2016
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry that you feel so bad. But you can still make goals for yourself.
  3. MinnBiker

    MinnBiker Active Member

    Hello Kuomy, I feel like we have similar lives going on. Except I have not tried to commit suicide. I thought about it constantly a few decades ago; then when I had to give up Abilify, I have been feeling suicidal constantly for ... not sure, about six months. I think about jumping in front of the commuter train every day too. I also work at on the eighth floor of a building that has this weird open area... then I get vertigo and I have to stop thinking about it. But I feel suicidal every 15 minutes, and I know there was a time when I didn't feel this way, I know it was less than a year ago, but it is mostly the fear of pain involved in dying keeping me going now. I don't have friends left, and I also think I will be fired soon.
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