More and more disgusted

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Koumy, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. Koumy

    Koumy Member

    It has been exactly 10 years from my last significant suicide attempt.

    Sure, things went for the better afterwards, but after 10 years, I am now back to the same point.

    Still have no purpose in life. Realized I have to grind 30 years+ working just to keep the body functional and having no other objectives in life, which is showing traces of failure day after day. Alone, first by choice. Then I wanted to have a circle of friends, but nobody does not want to deal with a wreck like me. Social anxiety and bipolar personality disorder don't help either. Despite of having a job (which I will lose it soon), I have no place in this society. So as the time flies, I spend my time hating the society and cursing myself.

    Every time I look myself at the mirror, I am disgusted of what I become. Used to be the cute type when I was 20, I look horrible now. I think I could be a child molester or something worse because of my current face.

    In the morning when I have to go to work,< mod edit - methods>. I spend my nights browsing the Internet for suicide methods or watching suicide videos.

    I am just a waste of space anyway, lagging far behind from my peers which generally dispises me. I don't have the will nor the patience nor the ressources to fix myself to be more acceptable around others. I hate myself for what I am, how I look. I think I should better go.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2016
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am sorry that you feel so bad. But you can still make goals for yourself.
     
  3. MinnBiker

    MinnBiker Active Member

    Hello Kuomy, I feel like we have similar lives going on. Except I have not tried to commit suicide. I thought about it constantly a few decades ago; then when I had to give up Abilify, I have been feeling suicidal constantly for ... not sure, about six months. I think about jumping in front of the commuter train every day too. I also work at on the eighth floor of a building that has this weird open area... then I get vertigo and I have to stop thinking about it. But I feel suicidal every 15 minutes, and I know there was a time when I didn't feel this way, I know it was less than a year ago, but it is mostly the fear of pain involved in dying keeping me going now. I don't have friends left, and I also think I will be fired soon.