It has been exactly 10 years from my last significant suicide attempt. Sure, things went for the better afterwards, but after 10 years, I am now back to the same point. Still have no purpose in life. Realized I have to grind 30 years+ working just to keep the body functional and having no other objectives in life, which is showing traces of failure day after day. Alone, first by choice. Then I wanted to have a circle of friends, but nobody does not want to deal with a wreck like me. Social anxiety and bipolar personality disorder don't help either. Despite of having a job (which I will lose it soon), I have no place in this society. So as the time flies, I spend my time hating the society and cursing myself. Every time I look myself at the mirror, I am disgusted of what I become. Used to be the cute type when I was 20, I look horrible now. I think I could be a child molester or something worse because of my current face. In the morning when I have to go to work,< mod edit - methods>. I spend my nights browsing the Internet for suicide methods or watching suicide videos. I am just a waste of space anyway, lagging far behind from my peers which generally dispises me. I don't have the will nor the patience nor the ressources to fix myself to be more acceptable around others. I hate myself for what I am, how I look. I think I should better go.