More and more flashbacks...and the horrible things triggering them

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MouseAnony, Dec 9, 2009.

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  1. MouseAnony

    MouseAnony Account Closed

    The main reason I rejoined this site is that I've been having flashbacks again from when I was sexually abused by my babysitter from ages 5-8. I haven't had any for about 2 years and this has thrown me back because I thought they were finished with- I thought I'd seen everything that happened. But apparantly not and this time around they've become much more vivid. Some of the memories I'm having are add ons to old ones- they used to just fade to black, but now I'm being shown what happened after this.

    And the most awful thing is the thing thats triggering these flashbacks. It actually makes me feel more sick than the flashbacks themselves, but I'm going to have to write it down.

    When I was about 10 we had to move house because my dad was taken to court for "touching" one of my friends who was sleeping over. She lived next door to us and I remember waking up to find she had simply gone home while I slept. I was never told the full story because I was so young, and no one ever talks about it now. My dad denied it and everyone stood by him.

    Since then my parents argued more than ever, and they then divorced when I was about 16. It was a hellish time, but I always stood by my dad. I completely idolized him when growing up and have always been a daddys girl.

    But then a couple of years ago- not long after I had started having flashbacks of my own abuse- I found conversations on my dads computer by mistake. They were to a paedophile and lets just say it made me feel sick. Not only that but when I investigated further I found other conversations involving webcams and pictures with what I assume were teens or young girls, but I can't honestly be sure. I think the panic attack that followed was the most traumatic I have ever had and I had to confront him because he found me in a quivering wreck on the floor. He had explanations for everything and calmed me down and I mostly tried to forget about it. I didn't think about it at all for the last 2 years because I couldn't- for starters I had to work on dealing with my own flashbacks and I couldn't deal with anything else because I couldn't cope with any more panic attacks or self harm every day. I worried it would tip me over the edge. So I made myself believe him and I ignored it.

    But a few days ago I found some sites saved to his internet. He has a fiance now- his own age- and I don't know if I'm worrying over nothing. But it makes me feel sick. And its triggering off flashbacks that I didn't know I had left. I feel so angry and confused and horrible. When I confronted him about it 2 years ago I briefly came clean- for the first time ever- about what had happened to me at 6 years old. I told him whether he wanted to be honest with me or not I didn't care, but that what happened to me completely ruined everything and its not ok. And he comforted me through that, and now to find this stuff on his internet is just horrible.

    I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore. :sad:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry the flashback can be so vivid so real and yes so painful. I have them alot too. Is there a therapist you can talk to let him know what is happeing so you can work through all this with him If not talk to GP and get a therapist because you do need one to cope with everything you have been through it can't be done on your own not properly. REach out and get some help for you okay start healing now
  3. MouseAnony

    MouseAnony Account Closed

    Thanks yeah I do have an appointment. I did go before but I was too scared to tell them all of this. I was ridiculously worried about people finding out and its so embarassing. And I'm scared if people know they'll tell me its my fault. I feel so guilty for everything and theres so much I can't tell people because I don't want them to think badly of me, and I don't want to be seen as a victim.

    Plus the stuff with my dad, I know he's a good person and I don't want other people forming a bad oppinion of him.
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