More blah blah, sorry

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by violetskies, Apr 14, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    They just won't leave me alone. The stupid "support". The ones that have left me in this frantic state. They caused this current breakdown, or whatever it is that I'm going through. They caused all this and yet they don't even think they've done anything wrong. I've told several different people to tell them the harm it's doing. I've told them to their face many, many times.. In many, many different ways. I've sent email after email telling them that they're making me ill. And yet they keep coming. It's like they won't stop until I'm good and dead.

    And no I'm not getting paranoid, it's just the frantic state speaking. I really do think I'm going through a breakdown. I can't get a handle on my emotions, it's all messed up. I break down crying about nothing. My head spins, then feel like it's full of cotton wool. Sometimes I can't even figure out the feelings in my head.. cept it's kinda like being sleepy, but it's not.

    Just earlier, I'd been making dinner and the oven was still on. I found myself staring at it and thinking about opening the door and grasping the metal shelf and not letting go. I just felt like maybe I could deal with the physical pain better, and at least someone would patch me up and make it better.

    I'm not coping. I don't want to cope. I want someone to look after me, to hold my hand and tell me it's going to be ok. None of these are what will happen but it's what I am needing anyway. I need all this turmoil to go away.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Violet skies,
    Who is causing all this disruption in your life..If it's e-mails you are receiving then block them or just delete them instead of opening them.. Are you currently on meds??I recently was put on a med for skyzophrenia even though i'm not skyzo.. It has helped tremendously with my thoughts and with the shadows I would see out of the corner of my eyes..
    Are you in therapy?? You should find a good therapist who you can bond with..It helps to get these thoughts out in the open where you can address each of them..Please keep talking with us and let us show you the support you need..The more info you give us about what is happening the more support we can give you!!Take Care!!
  3. violetskies

    violetskies Member

    It's the "support" workers that are causing this. I got funding finally approved about a month ago and have had these people invading my life with heavy handed tactics ever since. The background.. up until i got funding, I spend most of my week locked away in my apartment. I didn't speak to anyone, or go outside. I have social phobia amongst a lot of other things. The support was supposed to make it easier to get out and do things.

    Anyway, they have bulldozed their way into my life. I've gone from almost no human contact to 3 hours a day, 3 days a week. And to top it off, in order to get to any appointments I now have to get on public transport which I hadn't done for about 9 years. I also told them at the inital meeting that 9.30am is no good for me. Like many others here I suspect, I have a shifted sleep pattern. I can force myself to be up for these appointment, but my body is always fighting to go back to it's old ways. I don't want to sleep at night. I want to sleep when it gets light, when it's safe. They don't care about that.

    The first week, I told them that if they came at 9.30am I'd have to stay up all night to the next day in order to be awake for them. They didn't care about that. They came anyway. By the time they went away, I'd been up for almost 24 hours. The other 2 appointments that week were pretty much exactly the same. All the time they say they need a week's notice to change any schedule, and yet it's been a month and they're still coming at 9.30am.

    It's not like there's anything to do at that time. I asked for funding to get to specific things. Doctors appointments, appointments at the homeopathic hospital, tai chi classes that I used to go to, getting to my mother's house to visit my cats. None of these things I have done since getting "support". They just turn up at stupid times, we end up having to go sit in the nearby supermarket cafe and kill 3 hours doing nothing. It's so infuriatingly pointless. All it's doing is sending my stress levels through the roof.

    Yeah they say things will be ok coz a support worker is there. One day after just getting off a train, there was a guy who was shouting and being generally aggressive. I couldn't see him, but I could hear him. I literally jumped and started looking around, trying to see where this guy was. All the support worker did was repeatedly ask if I was ok. I kept saying no, I'm not. Stupid woman just looked at me, waited, and asked again if I was ok, to which I replied again.. no. Fat lot of good that will do.

    As for therapy.. I have none. Last appointment I had at the mental health resource centre.. I was almost begging to be put on the waiting list for talking treatment. She said I had to wait for the review. I have since fallen apart and the review is still not happened. I don't need to wait for a review, I need help NOW. But here's the thing.. the psychologist clearly got the wrong idea about this review. This isn't a general review of my statis etc etc. It's purely a review of the support company that's just stepped in to help me get out and about. It's nothing to do with the mental health centre. It's completely seperate, she thinks she's going to discuss my therapy there. She's got it so wrong. Plus.. since I'm not actually seeing a therapist as such (this other psychologist just oversees my case. Basically looks through my notes and does not much else) she wants to send one thats NEVER EVEN MET ME to talk about my case. I mean it's so ridiculous. I am climbing the walls and the only place I have to turn is the mental health resource centre that is filled with complete idiots.

    All I want is people to treat me with a little kindness. Like the day I was at the supermarket, and it was all going wrong because the support worker was talking to me like I was 4 years old which only added to my stress. I got to the checkout, and the supermarket lady was so nice to me that I almost burst into tears. A complete stranger could be 100 times nicer to me than these people who are supposed to specialise in helping people with mental health issues.

    That speaks volumes.
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey. . i am so sorry with what you are going through!

    your struggles with the mental health workers sound horrible. i understand what you mean, regarding bursting into tears at the kindness of a stranger

    glad you posted here - glad you came here for support.

    pm me anytime, if you want to talk - i care about you - and i may not have good advice but i am always here for a listen. . . and some hugs. . . :hug:
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.