More convinced than ever

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Athnys, Sep 29, 2011.

  1. Athnys

    Athnys Well-Known Member

    Over the past week I've had a strong feeling of dread concerning my future; that I would complete my accounting certification and yet never be worth hiring, and I would remain as I am now: useless and unemployable.

    Last semester my average in my first accounting class was over 100, counting bonus points on exams. To me, anything less than an A is a failing grade, but that was not enough for me then, and I anticipated getting a B in a future test just because I figured I wasn't good enough.

    Well, last week I had the first exam of my second accounting class, and I got the result in tonight: a C. Now, a B would have been devastating enough, but a C is downright unacceptable. I only missed a few questions, but it was enough to reduce my grade to a C. This test counted for 25% of the semester grade. I studied every day for the week before the test and I thought I understood the material enough, but I still got a C. I almost broke my pen when I saw the grade, and I felt like getting up and leaving at that moment and withdrawing from all of my classes and from the college.

    The teacher was kind enough to give all of us a bonus on the grade; it would only be a few points, but in some cases enough to improve the test grade by one letter grade. It brought my grade up to a B, but to me it still didn't matter. I deserved a C and I should have got a C. I feel like I should have got an F.

    Even before I got the exam back, I've been feeling worse than ever. I've usually been pretty depressed, but the past two weeks have been the lowest since high school. I've been increasingly reclusive, I've lost interest in just about everything I once had interest in, and I've been more anxious in social situations than usual--all this on top of a great feeling of self-hatred and a desire for death. I'm more aware than ever about my shortcomings and how I tend to be incompetent at everything I do; I play lots of video games, but I'm not even good at any of them. I don't even take my depression seriously; I always feel like many more people have it worse than me and that I should stop being so "emo" because no one else likes being around melancholy people.

    Today I saw two girls from the college business club I was in last semester, and it was all I could do to choke out a "hi" and try not to look so nervous. There was a volunteer fair at the college; I've wanted to do volunteer work for a long time but was unable to bring myself to go visit or cold call and ask if they need me, so I took the volunteer fair as an opportunity to meet people who could help me get involved in a worthy charity of some sort. To my credit, I didn't shrink back from going, but there were only a couple booths there, and one was from the Girl Scouts. While I searched the college for the actual location of the fair (which was misprinted), I felt a strong urge to give up and not go at all.

    I don't even feel like shaving, showering, or brushing my teeth anymore. It seems like no one ever notices either way, so it feels like a waste of time, effort, and resources. Even going to the bathroom is difficult; I find that I'll hold it a while until I finally motivate myself to get up and go. Every time I drive somewhere, I wish I'd get in a fatal car accident. I was in a car accident about three weeks ago where I hit someone who ran a stop sign, but it only caused minor damage to my car. Why couldn't it have been then?
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I can relate in some parts and am reading what you write. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I too wish grades weren't so stressful.
     
  3. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. :( I can relate to the teeth brushing.