more jokes

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Terry, Apr 8, 2012.

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  1. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Trip to Israel

    A Jewish businessman in Chicago decided to send his son to Israel to
    absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned,
    the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

    The son said, "Pop,I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted
    to Christianity."

    "Oy, vey,"said the father. "Vot haf I dun?"

    He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.

    Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also
    came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him
    what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.

    The rabbi said,"Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also
    came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps
    we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

    The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons
    and asked God what to do.

    Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.

    The Voice said,"Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel. . . . .
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Subject: Dark & Stormy night

    They were together in the House. Just the two of them.


    It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly


    each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

    She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance....and wished that he would take her in his
    arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.


    Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out.... She screamed..

    He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

    He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms..

    He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

    He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

    The storm raged on....


    They knew it was wrong...

    Their families would never understand... So consumed were

    they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...

    just the faint click of a camera.......

  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Thanks for posting these! I really needed to smile :)
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    1) NUDITY

    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

    3) KETCHUP

    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

    5) POLICE # 1

    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

    6) POLICE #

    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
    'It sure is,' I replied.
    Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

    7) ELDERLY

    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

    8) DRESS-UP

    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
    'And why not, darling?'
    'You know that it always gives you a headache the next day"

    9) DEATH

    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cottonwool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
    The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

    10) SCHOOL

    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

    11) BIBLE

    A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
    'What have you got there, dear?'
    With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Three irish guys named matt, pat & tat were in a pub.
    A local customer comes up to them and says "are you all related? "
    matt says "yeah, we are triplets".
    The customer says "how come you and pat are 6 ft tall and tat is only 4 ft tall? "
    "well," says matt, "me and pat was always breast fed so there was no tit for tat."
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Six Truths in Life

    1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility due to the tendons within your neck.

    2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

    3. And discover #1 is a lie.

    4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

    5. You soon will tell this to another idiot.
  7. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I guess I am an idiot! I tried the last joke. *hangs head in shame*

    I didn't think the first one was very funny mostly because I don't believe in the typical portrayal of Jesus.

    The second set were pretty good.

    You'z is a funny bunny Terry.
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    have to admit I did the tongue out, neck back one, too :shy:
  9. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

  10. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I did it too... lol
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