The explosions start to gather momentum, rolling out and expanding to fill the shape of their undefined containers. One supremely structured compound of system and order decaying rapidly into a controlled state of unrelenting entropy; it begins compromising the structure of the next latticework of molecules. The demolition of structure gives way to a brand new kind of structure, an environment where the only logic is the reduction and removal of everything that once was complex to simpler base states. For those reading this, my writing has been described as being confusing, unclear, and wordy. The above selection should give you a relatively clear indication of what most of the output I maintain is like. I'm intentionally vague, because I live in a world constructed solely upon simile and metaphors. Also, I need to express my thoughts in a manner that prevents people from understanding the meaning behind them. Wait, what? Why on Earth would I intentionally obfuscate the meanings messages I post online? Well reader, I'm glad you asked, that's a piercing question that will help us get right to the heart of some of the problems here. The easy answer is that I am uncomfortable talking about some of these issues with anyone. I do, however, find that thinking about them enough to create imagery helps me sedate the monster long enough to push it from the front of my mind. That's all I feel like I can really hope for: to slow these ideas and thoughts and carry on my life. Seems pretty Goddamn glum, yeah? It is, very much so. Regardless, it truly is my desire to win the fight, to stop these thoughts. Despite how it might sound, I am not satisfied to just impede their nightmarish forward momentum. So, grab hold of whatever horses you may be in possession of, for tonight I'm taking down the barrier. Every idea that follows is merely an opinion. I may speak of them as facts. You'll have to forgive me. Now, Let's talk. Talk to me, please? This world is a floating piece of rock that for all intents and purposes should not exist. The fact that it does exist is neither beautiful or evidence of the divine. It's sheer dumb luck. If the Earth didn't exist, if it wasn't placed just-so to allow the optimum conditions for life (or at bare minimum, human life) none of us would be here to talk about it. I don't think that's remarkable at all. People talk about it being really improbable, but remember that space is big. It's bigger than everything you've ever been able to grasp in your whole life added together, and by several orders of magnitude at that. So even if something has what we would consider a minuscule percent chance of happening, over billions and trillions of possible chances, it actually approaches one. And since we only get to exist when that value (Existence of life) reaches one, the only outcome we could ever see is one where it already has. Does this make sense to anyone? I feel like I'm losing my mind when people talk about a finely tuned Universe. In general, I find that life is this wasteful, awful experience that you wake up to one day and wonder how things got so uncontrollably loud. I've had a pretty grim view of this whole situation since I was about Twelve or so. That isn't to say I've been unhappy since then but if I had to average it out I'd say I have spent substantially more time on the low end of the totem. I've certainly always been a pessimist; I have family members that no doubt recall nicknaming me Eeyore on account of my persistent Glass-half-full attitude. It's an often cited joke that pessimists don't like referring to themselves as such when the term realist seems to fit so much better. It doesn't seem too far off for me though. Optimists confuse and alarm me. I can never tell if they honestly believe what they are touting. I become suspicious that these people might be just as fed up with this bullshit as I am. Maybe they have simply found a better way of coping with it. Denial has always served me well in the past, except for my parents. They always seem to see right through that tactic. Naturally I try to avoid talking about all of my more depressing views with these kinds of people as all it does is call my attention to how whiny I sound. It only figures that these kinds of thoughts aren't really conducive to a healthy, productive life. It's kind of a vicious cycle, really. Have a negative view on life? Your output drops, your productivity and motivation crash, and you end up in a worse spot than when you started, reinforcing the negative viewpoint you began with. Breaking the cycle is incredibly simple on paper, all you have to do is stop the negative viewpoint from gaining a foothold. Think positive! That is ignoring the fact that the negative view you have on life might be deeper than your superficial mood at the time. What if the beliefs I have about the things that are wrong with the world are so potent in their construction that it becomes impossible to uproot them? Here's an example I have been struggling with for years now. It is based upon a set of suppositions that go something like this: 1. The world and all of the things on it are not special. They are the product of either chemical or physical reactions. 2. Due to being only a collection of particles, the Earth and the things on it do not have a fate or destiny. 3. Everything on the Earth will, at some point, stop existing. 4. If nothing is special, there is no such thing as fate/destiny, and all things will eventually end, then nothing in this life means anything. This might just seem like a rather gloomy way to look at things, but it is seriously messing with my life and the way I live it. Without any hope of some kind of purpose, everything I do can be turned into an exercise in futility. From the most complex things like what I want to do with my life to much more basic things like getting out of bed in the morning. The obvious way to solve this problem is the same as the earlier example. Change the perspective. Don't think about what matters in the Universe, or the World, just focus on your life. This approach feels very much like driving with the sun in your eyes and staring at the speedometer instead of the road to compensate. You're getting information, and you're certainly driving, albeit maybe not for much longer. I know, I know, I let a complicated simile in. I'm sorry. You get the idea, though, yeah? It has this terrible "keep your head down and don't ask questions" feel to it that is very counter-intuitive for me. Which effectively closes off the only road to recovery that is immediately visible to me. This complication has weighed me down for so long. I want to have a purpose, a direction, a life. I just think all of the options I've been given are superficial goals that don't fill any of the empty spots in my life. Go to college, get a job, start a family... and... Who cares? I don't. Don't go to college, get a slightly worse job, don't find a family, live alone and... Well, it's all the same really. It's all so mind numbingly pointless. Move to a foreign country and reject everything you knew and grew up with to... run into these same problems in a language you don't speak yet. I've been up and down every road available to me and my mind deconstructs them like they were crafted from tinker-toys. Nothing is substantial. It's all meaningless fluff we latch onto to make ourselves feel better. Anyone in what we have come to lovingly refer to as The Group could probably explain to you the basis of what I call "Button Theory", and some of them could argue against it in their sleep. It's really simple. There is a button in front of you that, upon pressing it, the Universe ends. I don't mean in a bang, or a black hole or something, I'm talking about instantaneously ceasing to exist. You know this ahead of time. Do you press it? Yes! Of course you do. Of course I do, is what I really mean. It has to be set up just like this though, if there is any chance that someone would suffer due to my pressing this button, the deal is off. Now, in many of my arguments with people, they immediately take this as a suicidal thought, self-destructive. It's not the desire to be dead, though. Not really. There are so many other ways to achieve that. It's an extrapolation on the idea that existence itself is worthless. There is no inherent change, better or worse, when the Universe doesn't exist anymore. It's just the shifting of states, like a soli.... Whoops. Caught myself there. If no one is around, if nothing is around afterward, it's a null value. So you bet your ass I'm going to end all of the suffering on this world, even if it means scrapping it. If you ever find yourself not existing, you know where to find me. So what does one do when the Universe is every action can be deemed worthless and every defense against these feelings only deepens the depression? One writes, I suppose.