more rubbish

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 6, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't know where to put this, so delete or move if necessary.

    I'm heading downwards again. I should be okay, but I'm not.

    I'll tell you I'm fine, but I'm not.

    I don't want to put more crap on folks here as everyone has enough they are trying to deal with and to prevent hurt and stupidity, theres no point in getting to know me or any of that stuff.

    I'm so happy to help anyone out if I can, and I can't always, but I try.

    I am, IRL, a professional. The difference in who I am and who I act to be are enormous. I think we all do this to a certain extent, it is safer. I am pretty sensible, pretty intelligent and know what is logically sound.

    So for me to spout some of the rubbish that I have done here is rediculous. It frustrates me. I frustrate myself.

    I should be stronger, I should be able to cope with my current life. I am failing badly.

    Is this the real me, here in SF? Is it the real me trying to escape the acting me? Or is it something completely different?

    The answer to that question is probably really unimportant.

    I really don't know what my point is here. More frustrations with myself I believe than anything else.

    I want to scream, I want to release all of these emotions inside of me. All of the things that have been buried for years that are mounting up. I really would like a release, but i'm so scared. If I start that journey, go down that road, I'm afraid I won't be able to stop.

    I have to have control over something, and maybe that can only be myself right now and in whatever form that control shows itself.

    This may not make much sense and I apologize. So I'll always be fine, or 99% of the time anyhow. Its okay, I'll be okay.

    But of course, this is all a lie.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No not rubbish hun not at all. Ihope you can scream and let it all out so you can start dealing with the sadness and the pain I hope you can get a professional to help you on that journey okay It cannot be kept down forever hun hugs
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hey Mo,

    I feel like I'm living a lie sometimes too. It's frustrating watching other family members not be affected by depression and other mental health problems etc. I often have asked myself "Why can't I be like them? My life isn't any worse than theirs..."

    In many ways, I can relate. It's like there has been a build-up of emotion that I want to scream and let out. Yep, I've tried screaming before; unfortunately, it didn't help. :( Also, any time I reach out to others when I'm feeling down, I feel like I'm not worthy of being in their presence. All of this.. it's just a vicious cycle sometimes. Gah. I hope to hear from you again, and I enjoy talking to you.


    Stay in touch,

  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    My lies are those that continue this fake self. I'm doing fine, things are great, no I don't need help or support.

    But the real me yearns for someone to break in, to allow me be me in all my ugly glory.

    But for most who try I will not allow them in. For those I allow in it is nearly more painful to have them ignore me or use me for their own benefit.

    Its all crap, I'm just talking nonsense.

    Time, once again, to hush.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Many of us live in this binary world...I am a professional too and I have to 'act as if' all day is tiring, but both aspects of me are somewhat true...I truly know how you feel...sending my caring...J
  6. Pécheur

    Pécheur Account Closed

    Nice to meet you. :shake:

    In the world of mental health there are so many unanswered questions our brains like to pummle us with. But you know that first hand.

    It sounds like you're exuasted trying to figure out what's what and all the little details, maybe take some time to slow down a little. Take some deep breaths, think of everything you have going for you.

    You need to get yourself well enough to be able to accept feeling better and you've come to the right place. Lots of support here!

    :hug: I really do help you can touch base with yourself, I know it will help.
    Take care.

  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you both, the mind does go its own direction and speed at times!

    It is an interesting and sad world we live in and I think you are correct sadeyes that both parts of us make up the whole person.

    I think with the overriding concern of the next few months I am already anticipating the worst.

    thank you again, take care.
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What will be going on? hope u r better 2day!
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    The death of my sig other.