I don't know where to put this, so delete or move if necessary. I'm heading downwards again. I should be okay, but I'm not. I'll tell you I'm fine, but I'm not. I don't want to put more crap on folks here as everyone has enough they are trying to deal with and to prevent hurt and stupidity, theres no point in getting to know me or any of that stuff. I'm so happy to help anyone out if I can, and I can't always, but I try. I am, IRL, a professional. The difference in who I am and who I act to be are enormous. I think we all do this to a certain extent, it is safer. I am pretty sensible, pretty intelligent and know what is logically sound. So for me to spout some of the rubbish that I have done here is rediculous. It frustrates me. I frustrate myself. I should be stronger, I should be able to cope with my current life. I am failing badly. Is this the real me, here in SF? Is it the real me trying to escape the acting me? Or is it something completely different? The answer to that question is probably really unimportant. I really don't know what my point is here. More frustrations with myself I believe than anything else. I want to scream, I want to release all of these emotions inside of me. All of the things that have been buried for years that are mounting up. I really would like a release, but i'm so scared. If I start that journey, go down that road, I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. I have to have control over something, and maybe that can only be myself right now and in whatever form that control shows itself. This may not make much sense and I apologize. So I'll always be fine, or 99% of the time anyhow. Its okay, I'll be okay. But of course, this is all a lie.