More Sad Stories From the resident looser

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, May 10, 2012.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    For those who dont know me a little back story.
    I am a recovering alcoholic. I havent drank since 2010. I was a 25 year boozer. In 2008 my family left me and wife filed for divorce. In late 2009 thanks in part to God's grace or just good fortune, we were reunited and the divorce cancelled.

    Since then we have struggled. Since 2009 I have also been playing in a local church praise band. I am their drummer. Since joining that band, weird things have happened that have caused my diagnosed depression and anxiety to kick up from time to time.

    One of those things has been finances. We have struggled since 2009 in particular with paying our natural gas bill. It got to the point last time we paid on it was Sept 2011. They shut us off on Monday.

    I have had friends that have helped me out financially before. A newer friend is trying to help but I have pissed her off, by the amount. Almost 1100 bucks we owe.

    One of best friends spoke truth to me, earlier this week. That incident and now this...I am right back at rock bottom again.

    This time, I have no intentions of coming out. The only thing I can rely on is saddness, despair and pain. I am going to treasure those feelings and hold them close.

    I never want to laugh again. Cause if I do, I will know it's only temporary.
    I am a fallen cursed man. I currently reside in hell, and have no desire to leave.

    Do yourselves a favor, dont become friends with me. I will only dissapoint you.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu like many have hit into hard times hun No curse just dam economy I know you feel alone but it is not so hun Lot here do understand please do not be so hard on yourself hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't a disappointment. You're struggling and going through a lot. It isn't your fault, and it doesn't mean you disappoint those who care about you.
  4. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I do know how you feel...I felt if I was ever happy again, it would be something that can be taken from me...we want you here and know that you are going through a rough time...please know you can count on our caring and support...also, I wonder if you have taken the time to give yourself credit for all you have done? Seems like you have created a list of your there another list of your successes?
  6. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Got home from work last night to a thick stuffed envelope on the kitchen table. Inside the envelope were various accounts from the local hospital that was sent to a local collection agency. Total just shy of 3100.00 bucks. In order to restore natural gas service to our house, 1100.00 bucks. I also have some debts leftover from Christmas totalling around 1000 bucks.

    That's over 5000 dollars in debt that needed to be paid yesterday. I have over 150K in life insurance.

    It's over. I think this weekend, I am gonna do it. I will martyr myself for my family.
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    The only thing is, if I do this, I will commit my family to the hell of the death. But then they are already living in hell because of my actions.
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