More Suicidal Than Ever

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by D1979, Feb 13, 2015.

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  1. D1979

    D1979 Active Member

    I have been very suicidal lately. Moreso than I have been in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been constantly depressed for the past 5 years, but the feelings of suicide have been much more pronounced these past couple of months. Mainly because my situation is so bleak, dire, and hopeless. As the years go by, the light at the end of the tunnel becomes more and more non-existent. There is no hope. I am dealing with a permanent and unchanging physical condition (I call it a disease) that causes me to look unattractive, ugly, old, and uncool. Although marginalized by some, it does significantly and negatively affect virtually every aspect of my life. I cannot stand getting up in the morning and hating the way that I look. I want to do things that most of my peers do, like social networking on facebook, confident approaching women and going out on dates, and feeling comfortable in their own skin. Yet I cannot do this because of this physical ailment that is destroying my good looks. It is nothing short of heartbreaking and devastating. I have no urge or inspiration to wake up in the morning and I definitely feel that life is not worth living anymore. I can barely even function anymore. I would rather just die and get out of this horrible world than live a long life of misery. I’ve even researched suicide methods on the internet but I am unfortunately too chickensh*t to ever act on it. Lastly, I’ve been so angry and miserable with life that I’ve said some bad things to God since although I’ve prayed for Him to save me from this long and painful misery, He has not done so. For this, I am overcome with fear that He will punish me and my life will become even worse than it already is. I am living in constant anxiety and pain. Please say a prayer for me.
     
  2. trinisty

    trinisty Well-Known Member

    Hello! Please hold on, your problems will come to an end soon.

    Maybe you heard this like a billion times, love... never ever see your physical appearance. I'm a guy, and hot girls are attractive... but I never want them to be as my girlfriend. Everyone wants someone that understand them, so being nice, polite, and be a gentlemen is probably the most thing women wants. I may not be a girl magnet, I find myself unattractive too. I'm chubby, I have a disease call Telangiectasia that makes my skin... uhm... weird, I don't know how to explain it, haha. But I still believe that someday, a girl would love me the way I am now, and you should be too. You're seem a nice person, and you are really strong for fighting that long depression... I really salute you. This moment may not be the greatest moment in your life, but it surely will be someday.

    Maybe I can help you with my pray that I wrote: dear God, thank You for the life you gave to me. Thank You for every breath, every strand of hair, every step, every mornings, and every nights. Especially, thank You for the problems You gave me... because I believe that with this problem... I will be stronger and better day by day. Thank You God for believing in me to live and to survive, because every problems that I have to solve... means that You believe that I can solve it. I may not be the strongest, in fact, I am only a weak human being in front of Your eyes. I fell down, I was broken, I cried, and I felt hopeless, but I promise you God, I will try my best to fight and to stand up. I will try, and please... I want you to help me. Don't make my problems easier, don't take my problems away, because I need those... instead, make me stronger, make me wiser, so I can solve them one by one. Once again, thank You God. I will live for every creation, every kindness, and for You. Amen.

    Hope that helps you. Sorry, maybe I'm not the best at making a prayer, haha. Anyway, thank you for sharing your moments, please... if you have hard times, just share it in this forum. Maybe we can help you. We love you! Have a great day.
     
  3. D1979

    D1979 Active Member

    Trinisty, thanks so much for caring, I really appreciate it. I envy and admire your seemingly undying faith in God and His motives. I just find it difficult to do so since due to a physical ailment, I have been experiencing severe trauma, anxiety, and depression for these past 5 years. People often say that God does not give us anything that we cannot handle. Yet I obviously cannot handle this since it has caused me to think about suicide nearly every day.
     
  4. trinisty

    trinisty Well-Known Member

    I sometimes feel the same way. I was having anxiety attack yesterday night, and boy oh boy I feel like I want to die instantly. After long fights (with myself) and struggling, it finally faded away. From that I realize, the need of dying is not from myself, but from my other twisted mind (I usually call that part of my mind "devil"). No normal humans are going to kill themselves, because well... it's logical right? It seems hard, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... but I still believe that you can do it. It's not you who wants to die, it's your other side of mind. Well that was my theory, sort of, haha.

    Hold on, okay? You can tell everyone more about your problems in this forum. Please let us know if you want anymore help. Still love you, have a great day!
     
  5. D1979

    D1979 Active Member

    Thanks a lot for the reply. I think that in your situation, it is more clinical/medical depression that is causing you to feel suicidal. With myself, it is life circumstances that I cannot change that are making me suicidal. If I could change these things, then my life would be turned around in an instant.
     
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