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More than just misery

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LivingHelll, Dec 26, 2012.

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  1. LivingHelll

    LivingHelll New Member

    Is there hope?

    Lets start from the beginning

    When i was in 5th grade i was shown how to choke myself to get high, did this for a while not even knowing what i was doing.
    When i was a freshman i started smoked pot
    Sophomore year i became addicting to cocaine
    Junior year i started huffing a bunch of stupid shit out of pure addiction; like gasoline and nitrous.
    Junior year i also began my 4 year addiction to snorting pills

    August of 2012 i finally got clean for good
    Heres the real issue: in early october my car broke a gas leak, which i knew about but couldnt do anything about, i drove it for hours everyday for 2 weeks maybe, as my job as a driver, hell began

    I started off sleeping maybe 16 hours a day for a couple days
    Soon after I was only getting a max of 5 hours of sleep, for a while, and no this wasnt caffeine diet depression or even my house, trust
    I now get about 7 or 8 hrs max, sometimes 10, but i feel like a permanent burnout, but worse.
    My eyes burn, they are squinted 24/7, no caffeine has any effect on me anymore, and my feet feel like they weigh 50 pounds each, 24/7
    Both my long term and short term memory have been more shot than they already were. I hate to say i but i feel just twice as stupid as i ever was.
    Ill be honest i want to kill myself, this misery is a living hell
    Not because im depressed, not because im bullied, my mind is shot /:
    It even somewhat hurts to breathe
    Suicide crosses my mind a hundred times a day and i hate it because i just want to be successfull.

    I seeked medical help a month ago maybe, the doctor only referred me to a neurologist, the neuroligist didnt really tell me anything since i still have all basic motor skills, despite somewhat slurred, jumbled speech.
    He referred me elsewhere for further testing, until i was told my insurance isnt covered..

    Its kind of awkward to talk about i guess..but no one has really taken me seriously about the condition, at all, my mom told me i just need to eat healthy and excercise..no..

    Im 20 years young and i feel like an old man every single day

    My mom sent me to a cranial sacral therapist, i did about 3 or 4 sessions, over 3 weeks, it helped for a couple hours till i was back at burnout status..
    I just dont feel like doing anything besides sleeping, nothing is interesting, when people talk i see their mouth move but no noise
    What do I do?
    Im going on month 4 in a living hell.

    I dont want to die
  2. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi LH and welcome to SF, a great site with caring people who try to do their best for each other. I am sorry that you have these health problems, and pleased to hear that since August you've got clean for good, that is a great achievement!

    It sounds like your physical system needs de-toxifying from the gas leak and I am surprised that the medics are not taking you seriously about this. Maybe a P.doc would be able to come on board and them work together - but if the insurance isn't there that might not be possible.

    I have a suggestion which might sound a little weird - at first, but it certainly won't do you any harm: The Chinese medicate everything (traditionally) by food - if you Google 'Traditional chinese medicine' - and get into that in a big way, I am convinced it will help you. Hubby and I have been doing this now for a year or so, and it's cleared up some health issues and made us full of energy. Think of food as your medicine, don't eat anything processed, and I am sure it will help - lots of rest and water to help the body de-toxify naturally - I hope this helps as a suggestion to get you started :)
  3. wdicwg

    wdicwg Member

    I'm sorry you have been having a hard time. :hug:

    I know how hard it is to have have something wrong with your body at a young age and have no one believe you or take you seriously. I was in that position myself about a year ago. From my own experiences I have seen there is ALWAYS HOPE! though sometimes it can be hard to believe, event though we all have days where we have our doubts.

    The hardest part is finding the first person to believe you and take the symptoms you are feeling seriously, but don't give up until you do. Someone will believe you whether it is a friend, a relative, a doctor because in some ways having someone believe you can be more helpful than knowing what is wrong as crazy as it may sound. Also do not give up! Go to every doctor covered by your insurance if you have to. Also try researching on your own, use official websites such as WebMD, The National Board of Health and websites for specific conditions or groups of conditions (ie the American Neurological Society, ect). All of these I have listed are great if you live in the US, if not try and find equivalents in your own country, and if you can't they still may be good starting points, I know I used Lupus UK some in my search despite being in the US. If you find a condition that seems to fit your symptoms Google it to find more information (again try to find official sources) including how it is diagnosed, and print the pages (symptoms and diagnosis) you find and take them with you to the doctor, ask specifically for those test if you have to. If that isn't the right one find another until you find the right one. Start with conditions that are caused by factors you have mentioned here, but also realize that it could be caused by other factors (ie genetic, autoimmune, ect.) and that the timing could be coincidental. Not saying it is just that it could. I know this process seems kinda crazy but you have to be your own advocate and be persistent. Some doctors will not consider uncommon causes or may simply not have knowledge of them, and if there first few thoughts aren't correct they can dismiss it nothing and as in something in your head, so keep going.

    I'm sorry this has become so long winded, but I hope I have helped at least some, and I am hear to listen and help if you need to talk.

    Hang in there and have hope :hug:
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