More than once

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by SpiderofBeauty, Jan 14, 2010.

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  1. Three people succeeded in raping me when I was a child, one was a friend of my fathers friends, the other two where my own sisters. It wasn't just playing house like other girls my age it was real sexual abuse. Not just touching the surface but so much more than that, I didn't even realize it was wrong at first. I was willing to "play" with them. I didn't know what I was doing until I was six, that's when that man raped me. I feel sick thinking about this. I kept doing it with them, my sisters. Even the man got me more than once, though he was later arrested for drugs. A six year old girl sexual active, most of the time with her own sisters. How sick am I? I didn't protest to my sisters until I was eight. Even now we pretend it didn't happen. People tell me I'm beautiful, but that was that man said, thats what my sisters still say. That's what the others who tried since then said. I've been lucky in some situations, I still have the will to fight back even if it doesn't make much of a difference. A shower won't clean me, religion won't clean me, confessing won't clean me, I'm dirty forever. I don't think I'm beautiful at all.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What someone else has done to you, does NOT reflect your self-worth...I truly know how you feel and the difficulty of the journey to find compassion for one's self after this type of violation...have you explored professional help? I found it invaluable...big hugs, J
  3. I can't stand the thought of verbally telling anyone
  4. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    Neither could I for a very long time... even when I began to tell my story - it never really came out until I could write it down.

    I still write the thoughts and feelings that are too difficult for me to state, and hand the writing over to my therapist. It has been very hard, but worth the struggle.

    I know how you feel - no matter how many times people tell me - or I tell myself - it was not me that was the filth - it was the rapists... I may know it sometimes, but I always feel like filth... I am told however that knowing it is the first step to feeling it and then really believing it.

    Take care - I agree with Sadeyes that professional help can give the support you may need to get past this.

  5. Indian81

    Indian81 Member

    The past is done and over - leave it behind and look forward. Neither are you dirty nor do you have to be cleansed anywhere. You have a whole life in front of you - if you keep thinking of the past , you will end up spoiling your future. Don't let that happen.
  6. History

    History Well-Known Member

    how could your sisters rape you?? *puzzled*
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