More Troubles *may trigger*

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Apr 12, 2009.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    this post has so many parts to it, so many parts that belong in other categories....again i do not care if this gets moved

    last nite i went to support a friend who was graduating from the police academy....the place was crawling with cops and they make me nervous....all during the ceremony, i eyes the gun that the officer had who sat in front of me, i wanted that gun, i wanted to end my life.....i never went for it but o how i wanted to. ....im still very triggered, i cannot speak to anyone and i am scared of going to a professional i am scared of being locked up for what i wanted to do.....

    a few days before i was with a friend, i should have known better but i tried cutting off the circulation in my hands...my friend needed something from her bedroom and i could get out of "it" i panicked and started shaking bad i was afraid shed find me in that state, when i finally was able to hand her what she needed luckly she never say the blood cuts on my left hand and thank god she didnt see my rite......i hate what i am doing but its the only way to cope
    so pathetic
    so stupid
    so undeserving of life
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Have you had such intense feelings in the past like the one(s) you had whilst you were at the ceremony?
     
  3. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    Not bad ones like this....this was a first for thinking like that. all along ive felt depressed and suicidal but not in this way...i was so close, i think there hadnt been a room full of ppl i mite have attempted to do what i thought of.
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I'm taking a guess here so correct me if i'm wrong. It might be that the reason that this time it was really bad is cuz things have gotten worse for you in some way? Thus the powerful feelings/urges.
     
  5. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    Things have been worse lately, with the violent dreams and fears i have. and having to hide all of this from my grandparents and co-workers. I had been burning to cope with it all...perhaps that is the reason, i do not kno tho.
     
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Is there anybody in your life that you talk to about your problems, fears, etc?

    I know you don't want to see/talk to a professional but they won't lock you up for the feelings you had and might still have. They may well be able to help you identify the causes behind these feelings.
     
  7. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    i adore you, chica.

    i really do. :hug:

    i hope things work out for you in some way or another. wish i could help.