More venting from a pathetic looser

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by na-taya, May 11, 2016.

  1. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I know this situation it totally my falut and I'm the only who has the power to change it but all my life I've struggle with saying what I want or thinking about myself.

    My friend that I babysit for told me today she may have split shifts next week. It was ment to be morning shifts so I would be home by 5pm at the latest and baby sit for a few hours only but today she told me her boss said they want her to do split shifts all week....it to far for her to come home on the time off so she will just stay there. I don't know the dates or times yet she said she will call me on her break tonight.

    Today the kitchen was left in a huge mess. I feel like a house maid as well.

    I'm gonna try and get her to take me home tonight when she gets home but we shall see.........

    I have my cats to think about.
    I do get paid (it's not about the money) I want to help my friend but I'm totally being taken advantage of but I don't feel confident enough to stand up for myself. Especially because I am getting paid and then when I see my friend she continually tells me how amazing I am for doing this for her and wouldn't be able to do it without me.

    I feel like screaming.
    I feel trapped but I know it's only me who can get me out of this but I find it impossible to stand up for myself. And at the start I did and it was totally ignored so I will find it even harder to bring it up again.

    I am such a useless idoit.

    I just responded to the child and she said "you sound a little bit sad" (i asked her if I could send a message to my friend and she said yes while she has afternoon snack)

    I need to realize that I am important in all of this but I don't know how to do it, I've never been able to put myself before those I care about, and I need to learn.

    Blahhhh....I just hope I can go home tonight at least.
     
  2. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Was it ever part of the deal for you to clean their house?

    You are not useless, you are not an idiot. But I'm sorry she is using you like that.

    Yes, you are important!

    Really, if she could afford to pay you for helping her (and then treat you this way) she can afford to hire a babysitter.

    Don't feel bad hun. You have your limits, and she should respect them. You even sticking to your original limits is doing a lot for her!
     
  3. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    Nah there was nothing about cleaning the house or even doing the dishes. It's just because she always tell me how she can't cope if there is dishes in the sink at night and her head get cluttered when her house is a mess. So I just feel like I need to do it. I have no problem cleaning up the mess I make with the child that's fine but its when each day more and more mess is getting left behind. Altho her partner did say to me tonight he dosnt expect me to do the dishes, as I left the two plates from dinner, knifes and forks and serving spoon in a sink of warm water. I forgot to wash them.

    If she was paying a babysitter it would be basically most of her hourly rate. Plus she has told me how much she would trust anybody she dosnt know with the child and I totally understand that as I'm sure I would find it hard as well.

    I was awake so I got dropped home tonight I made my self stay awake because I wanted to go home.

    I need to find away to do this but I am so scared I feel like I can't move but I know the longer I leave it the harder it will be.....sigh.....

    I really feel like and idoit and useless because I should be able to handle this sort of thing by now.

    Her partner even said tonight I'm to kind for my own good.
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    What is causing you all of this stress? If this isn't enjoyable for you for the time being then make it clear you are doing something else and isn't available
     
  5. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I enjoy my time with the child don't get me wrong.

    It's more the fact that a few days before this started I told my friend my limit of the night's a week. But it has been totally ignored. And not even mentioned again. I find it hard enough to mention my needs in the first place to took me a long time to even bring it up in the first place.

    I don't do anything else and my friend is well a wear of that fact she know I'm not doing anything else. Unless I end up going to uni in second semester as planned. But I'm doubtful I will be able to go back but I will try my hardest to attend again. Will see how my health and mental health is around then.

    I wish I could be clear and stick up for myself but it's somthing I've never done, I am slowly learning but it's taking awhile to gain the confidence to stand up for myself and then if I do and get shut down. I compeletly back down and don't know how to find my feet again.

    I know this is all my falut and me being an utterly weak and pathetic human and I know I'm the only one who can put a stop to this...but i just seem paralysed like I can't make a move.