moree confusion about boyfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by elvinchild, Aug 7, 2009.

  1. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Ok, I'm getting really mixed signals from my boyfriend, at least that's how I feel. I'm supposed to be moving in with him in less than a month but I'm having trouble being comfortable because he seems to keep changing his mind about everything and inconsistency doesn't seem to make for a reliable, trusting relationship.

    First, he says I can move in with him. A few weeks later I say, ok, I feel ready for this. Then he says no. AHHH.... Then he says yes a few days later.
    First, he says he'll charge $300-400, whatever I can afford. Then, when I say I'll move in, he changes it to $500. ??? ... Then, back to $400.
    First, he says I can have a dog there. A few weeks later, I mention that I've been looking at rescue dogs to bring home. He says, no, I can't have one. ?!?!? GGRRR!

    Why all the change? I don't know, maybe its just a case of him speaking without thinking and then being forgetful and speaking again, but to me it seems odd. That's a whole lot of mind changing. I don't know why he'd offer things to be a whole lot better at first and then change it all around, unless he was trying to bribe me into feeling good about him.

    What's even more frustrating is I feel like he has double standards. As I mentioned in an earlier post his last girlfriend lived with him for free. She also had a dog. ?????? He swears that he loves me more than anyone he's been with, he talks about marriage with me and says he never felt certain with someone to the point that he really wanted to seriously discuss it... but then why does it seem like he was favoring her?

    I just feel so uncomfortable, like maybe I shouldn't be living with him.
    I know full well I could rent a nicer room somewhere else for less, and maybe find a place that allows pets.
    And I wonder if I should even make the move when I'm feeling so insecure about him, and I know I'll still be keeping an eye out for a better place.

    At the same time, I know my vision is often clouded by paranoia and memories of an unhappy past. Is there a way I can see this in a better light? Maybe he's just speaking without thinking and I just need to let him know to take these conversations more seriously?
     
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Well. If you aren't comfortable with moving in with him I would just not do it. It could end up causing problems for you and him. plus considering the fact that he is changing his mind about everything all the time it could cause some instability in your living situation while living with him.
     
  3. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    heh. I supposed that makes sense. Its just that I've already notified my landlord I will be moved in september, and we've already planned that I will be moving in, so I don't know where I'd go.
     
  4. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I really think that'd be the best option... Moving is a huge step, at the least he should've been consistent. Next time he says about how much you'll pay or the dog, get him to write it down so you can show him next time he changes his mind. Have you confronted him about how you're feeling?
     
  5. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Yeah actually I just talked to him about it today. At first he denied it and kind of avoided discussing it, but I kept pushing it and he had a reason behind each one.

    He changed his mind about me moving in because he really wants me to, but he really wants to make sure we do things right, and he wasn't sure if it was right, or if I really was committed to him. So I guess he said a flat out "yes" to me but didn't tell me about his indecision, so when I said "ok I'll move in" he was caught off guard and said no at first. Idk, I guess he was giving me straight answers when he really was very unsure.

    He changed his mind about money because... well idk, he just threw an idea out there without thinking.. and then he's just been trying to find out what's fair, so its just more of him being unsure but giving me confident answers. It was $300 then $400 then $500 then $400 again and now $300.

    He changed his mind about the dog because again he was not sure all along. He said it was fine but inside he was remember his ex's dog, who was a terror, and not sure how we'd work the logistics, so when i said I wanted a dog, again he felt uncomfortable and off guard so he said no. And today he just said yes again. Ahhh.

    All of this is trivial stuff.. its just that its turning into a trend of him not saying what he actually means, which leaves me with the wrong impression. I guess its just a communication issue I think. Maybe now that I told him he'll really think about things before he speaks so that he doesn't realize it wasn't really what he meant.

    As for moving in with him, idk... I've lived with inconsistency all my life, with my family and my ex was the same way.. I know it can escalate into bigger things if its habitual... anyway i have less than a month to decide...