Morning Sadness

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lightning05, Mar 31, 2016.

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  1. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Today is a new day and yet I still feel the same as I have been the past couple of days. Sometimes I wonder if I will forever be suicidal. I feel so crazy and I can't stop crying no matter what I do. I can't seem to care about anything right now and I have things to do for school, I just can't focus. I feel like such a loser and so pathetic, wondering why I can't just be happy. There are times where I feel so lonely even when surrounded by other people.
     
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  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    You will work your way out. I have been trying to for several weeks and this forum has wonderful people on it that will try to help you through the rough patches. I cry at the drop of a hat yet know this is just temporary. I have been through this before and somehow managed to work out of it. You will too.
     
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Thank you, mpk. It seems that all I have been doing is crying a smoking cigarettes. Right now I am at rock bottom, feeling very scared. I know I am not going to harm myself but the thought is constant in my mind and I am fighting it every minute.
     
  4. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    You will be okay. I am at the bottom also yet I try to tell myself that everything is going to be okay. I don't want to harm myself either yet it is strange how when you are going through really tough times that is always an option. Our minds play tricks on us constantly. I try to trick my mind back by telling it that I am the one in charge not it.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, are you in high school or college? Either way, is there a counsellor you can speak to there? Don't sit back and suffer in silence while watching the world pass you by. You are not a loser because you are reaching out for help, you should be proud of yourself :) Keep talking if it helps, we will always be here for you.
     
  6. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I tell myself over and over that it isn't what I want to do and hurting myself is not the right option for me. I feel like I deserve it though, for not being happy and able to pick myself up from this. I am in community college right now and we don't have mental health counseling. I do go see a counselor once a week near my house. I am thinking of going to a support group too. Thanks for the kind words.
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Cool. You're in college, what are you studying, do you like it and have you made any friends there? Is there any close family you could talk to about your thoughts and feelings? You can get through this. Believe in yourself a bit more :)
     
  8. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I am in a mortuary science program, ironically enough. I am actually almost finished and will be licensed by the end of the year. I want to help people at the worst moments of their life. Helping people makes me feel better and I 100% understand the pain they are in after devasting losses in my own life. Which is why I know I have to keep going, so I can help people. I have been talking to my brother but he is in the military so we can't see each other often but he does know what is going on as well as my closest friends. Everyone is supporting me really well and I feel like I am disappointing them by not feeling better.
     
  9. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I've met a lot of great people in the program but have only truly opened up to one of them. I haven't known them for very long so it is still taking me time to adjust. I moved across the country (U.S.) about 2 and a half years ago.
     
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You need to remember this is not your fault, at all. It could be something as simple as a chemical imbalance in the brain which how most anti depressants work. Don't feel bad for feeling bad, just do what you can to help yourself, if you could name 3 things that could lessen the burden what would those 3 things be? I really hope you feel better soon and I am glad your brother knows what you are going through.
     
  11. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    Thank you. A few things that help me are reading, gardening, and just walking around my neighborhood aimlessly. I have been doing a lot of those 3 things in the past couple of days. Sometimes I just feel a weight on me and like its sitting on my chest. Even walking around, sometimes someone will smile at me and say hello and for some reason it makes me want to break down and cry. Just little things, I find myself crying all the time now. It feels better to cry, but it concerns me too. I hope I am not posting too much.
     
  12. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    There is no such thing as "posting too much". Keep posting, and telling us how your feeling. Take it day by day. It's going to be OK. I know it might not feel like it... but baby steps help.
     
  13. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad I can keep talking. I sometimes feel like a burden on other people or like I'm getting on their nerves even though they want the best for me. Sometimes I get to thinking that people would be better off without me around because I always feel like a downer.
     
  14. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    Sweetheart, that is depression talking! *hugs*

    What you deserve is happiness and one day,(very soon) I hope your able to find that.
     
  15. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Exactly, as @MrHammerHead said, that is the lies your depressed brain tells you. You are valuable and you are worth it, and you are certainly no burden! *hugs* You don't have to hide anything from the people who care about you!
     
  16. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I've been doing well with not hiding things, which is what I used to do. Before I would never tell anyone about my depression so I wouldn't be vulnerable. It does feel vulnerable to have people know but I know they don't look at me differently. It's the feeling different that sucks but you're right, the depressed brain does play tricks on us.
     
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