Motherfuckin' DEFCON 2 just initiated

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Prinnctopher's Belt, Dec 7, 2009.

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  1. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Alright god dammit. God damned it to be. When my ass gets my method and the the accessories, I'm out like a candlelight in a hurricane. I've got a good chance of getting them pretty soon. Found a shop, and have no criminal background that would pop up. I'm gonna save up my money for it. Fuck bullshittin' with pills. This is guaranteed 100% no motherfuckin' return this motherfuckin' time.

    In the meantime, I've been trying to find a suitable place to get it done. I don't give a shit about the mess that would be made, but the place has to be right. Like right in front of my mother when she least expects it HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAAA. HAHAHA. Haa. ha. woo. BITCH HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW ROFLLLLLLLLLL!!! :hysterical:

    But, that isn't how I want to be remembered so scratch that. Maybe just in a public place for everyone to see and hear my last fucking words. I don't know. I have much to ponder about the perfect way. Yyyyyyyep. That's pretty much it. Click-click boom, and that'll be all. :stars:

    I'm out of my fucking mind and I looooooooooove it.

    I've got serious fucking problems. I'm in this forum because I want somebody to give me some fucking hope. Some fucking REASON that I'm here. An ounce of goddamn rationale, inarguable logic or some shit for why my pathetic ass needs to be here. An INCH of fucking hope for the future. Something. I feel insane.
     
  2. NoGood

    NoGood Well-Known Member

    What problems are you facing?? We are all going through something in our lives so maybe we could help. It nice to get things off you chest, a relief.

    Talk it out with someone. There will be good days to come, they are worth living for.

    Im Kate :) nice to meet you. My pm box is open to you whenever you wanna vent or bitch or chat or not or whatever.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What's going on, why do you want to do this?

    Hope you'll stay and talk.
     
  4. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I am utterly disappointed by every person I've ever met in my entire damn 25 years of some kind of life. I see nothing in the future that warrants my presence. Shit, why live if I have to live it sadly and alone.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Sorry you've been disappointed. But there are other people out there, people you can get close to who won't let you down.
     
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Talk to ppl here vent here um get some help.The energy your putting into your plan could be used in finding a reason to live not die trust me planning plotting on how to end it all seems to drain ya and the more energy you put into it the harder to overcome lifes pain i m not one really to talk i know.Find some help even use this forum as alot of us are fghting for our lives dont forget death is permanate and basically youve lost the game in the end.Trust me let us know whats going on ppl here are always listening and are willing to talk.Sorry this prob aint much help take care hey and keep posting
     
  7. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    hi prinnctopher,

    exactly what spidy said. put all that thought into changing your life, not ending it.

    you want rationale? you said yourself that you feel like you're losing your mind. i can't judge that from over a computer screen obviously but wanting a whole park full of people to watch you die is generally a good indication that all is not 100 percent well. put your energy into getting these thoughts out of your head. get therapy, start meds, change your meds, tell your doctors to fuck off and find new ones, call a crisis line, check yourself into a hospital, anything.

    the very fact that you care so much about other people seeing and hearing your last words tells me that you are not quite done talking, whatever you say. so does the fact that you took the time to write this out. WELL, even. with worryingly effective use of emoticons. you're disappointed with everyone you know? why? what is it you want out of other people that you're not getting? i think that could be taken as a sarcastic question, but it isn't intended as one - what are you missing? where could you get it?

    i think i remember reading a post of yours saying you worked in social services (sorry, i didn't respond, sometimes i come here and just can't get my thoughts together and sometimes i just ramble on and on, this time you get the latter, lucky you) - extremely noble, extremely important, but also (i imagine) stressful as hell and not always rewarding.

    are you sure you still want to be in this field? if so, don't knock the possibility that you are severely burned out and need some time off. nobody needs you to be superhuman about it. it's a fucking hard job. if you want to bail, bail, but don't bail to go traumatizing a whole bunch of sunday picnickers, bail to go change careers, change cities, change countries, change whatever. as a social worker you have already done a lot for other people, go be selfish as hell for a change. become an investment banker or a congressional lobbyist or join walmart's legal team or something. or else find another setting to do your do-gooder work in, one that isn't such an emotional drain on you. build houses, serve soup, deliver meals on wheels, dress up as santa and bring gifts to the children's hospital. i dunno.. just keep looking for other options, is all i'm saying. no option is off the table if it keeps you living. killing yourself means no more options.

    keep us posted. sorry this is so long.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2009
  8. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    It's unfortunate that doing those things simply don't make me feel better about what life is, in general. For the moment it's happening, sure, I might even appear to be what others could perceive as 'happy,' but it changes nothing in reality. It's so meaningless in the scheme of things. We're not nearly as significant as we want to believe we are. There's birth, then there's death. Everything in between is just to pass the time, doing things to make us seem more important than we actually are. That's just the way it is.

    Maybe if I were ignorant of the truth, or had a different childhood with a different family or something, or had some chance to be happy with another person who values, I wouldn't be so damned sad because I wouldn't be able to accept the saddening reality that life has no point. :eek:hwell:
     
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are turning your anger inward. I did that and that was what prompted my most serious suicide attempt. This comes down to the actions of others stealing my life.

    I keep saying I'm not going to let them steal my life. The anger still comes up but I get it out. A journal may help in that. I have a public diary here and it's more helpful that I ever imagined.

    I hope that you find hope to live because you can provide yourself with a good life. You may not be able to let people get very close to you, but you can have people in your life that you can spend time with that is a good time, not stress time.

    Please keep posting. I think that will help you the most right now.

    :hug:
     
  10. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    I have no friends and people generally don't like me. It's always been that way with me, and I've never really been very close to people without being uncomfortable or disappointed with them, then breaking up with them.
     
  11. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    eh, well, my point with all that rambling earlier wasn't to say "find some new grand purpose or meaning for your life". i'm not knocking the idea, i don't think there's anything wrong with it, but it's not absolutely necessary. i just think if you are in a mental position to make the most radical change possible (killing yourself) then you're in a mental position to make about 500,000 other, less radical changes which might potentially make your life better or more interesting or less miserable or more satisfyingly weird or less lonely or something. seeing as you have nothing to lose, you might as well try a few, i say.

    have you done any kind of counseling w-r-t either the suicidality or the disappointment in everyone else or the miserable childhood? if not, i would humbly suggest that at least one of those 500,000 things might be "try that." your childhood wasn't your fault. it also doesn't have to doom you to a nasty, brutish and short existence. chargette's line about letting other people steal your life is a good one, i think.
     
  12. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    No, I'm not capable of changing my personality, and I'm simply not likeable, and people do not gravitate toward me. I just ain't got it. I've never been the type to easily get along with others or easily make friends. It's always been like this, since childhood I've always been the loner. Sometimes because I was left out, many times because I chose to be. I don't like to get chummy or close to people, and when I do, I get slammed and disappointed, and distance myself.

    My personality can't change, that's all. I'm not some prepubescent teenager going through a phase where I've got lots of time to develop; I'm twenty-fucking-five years old, and everything is set in and isn't going to change. Not personality-wise. You are who you are, and I'm just a person that people don't like, end of story.

    Now tell me who the hell becomes successful without being liked by anyone? I don't see myself ever getting married, ever creating a family, ever having a career, despite my intentions and plans to do so, I don't see them being a reality.

    Counseling? I've given it serious consideration, but I'm not PAYING to talk to some fucking body who pretends to have me in their interests. If the counseling is free, I'm there. But I do think it could help. Unfortunately for me, I have been doomed from birth to be someone that's not liked and not wanted, and not meant to be, anyway. When your own mothers didn't want you, saw you as a burden, and hated you, how the heck is a child supposed to learn to become a person in social harmony? They don't. They didn't steal my life, they just guaranteed me death. That's just how it's always been, no matter what leaps I've made.
     
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