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Right now I feel completely worthless, stupid, and depressed. Writing this I feel stupid, I can barely articulate my own thoughts. I would like to say that I've been depressed for much of my life, but looking back I was just fucking stupid. I'd cry and feel sorry for myself, then continue on doing the same, and waste my life away with video games and other distractions. I was sad a lot, but it was my own fault and I accepted that, but did nothing to change it. In 17 years I have accomplished nothing. I don't feel motivated to do things that I should be doing.

I'm almost impressed at my ability to find creative ways to avoid responcibilty. Nine (haha, now that I've gone back to edit this it's ten) hours ago I was susposed to be writing cases for a debate tournament; I haven't even opened up a word processor yet. I have managed to learn how aircraft navigation systems work, learn some Python scripting, and read up on 50 different unrelated things, and I just now decided that I'm going to have to put off writing those cases until tommorow night (the same thing I told myself yesterday.) Even my hobbies I can't fucking do right. I've had a computer for years now and I've always wanted to learn flash animation, low level programming (hell, I don't even have basic down), and many other things. I like video games, I've got at least 30 good games and I'm about 5% finished with all of them. I don't know if it's boredom, laziness, or apathy but I can't seem to finish anything I start.

I used to have lots of dreams (well, that's what I'd like to say, but actually thinking about that for a bit I really don't think I ever had any important dreams) but I don't think any of them will ever come true. I was about to type that I never imagined living to graduate high school, but I know that's not the truth. The odds of living to the age of 18 are extremely high. I don't know if that's just an excuse I use/used to make myself feel better or if I actually am suicidal. I think the only reason I'm posting this is to not do what I should be doing. I don't know why, but I do it all the time, and it makes me feel worthless. Looking over what I've typed it all looks to me like incoherent crap.

I just don't know anymore. Why should I even try? I know I'm going to die some day. Sometimes I find that thought comforting and sometimes I find it scaring me in ways I can't imagine. It's been nice living all these years having virtually no responcibility outside of maintaining good grades (can't even do that anymore) but it will end soon and I don't see my life getting any better any time soon. I feel happy when I'm doing completly insignificant things like playing video games or spinning in circles in my office chair, but these I know that's just an escape from what is real and meaningful. I know that but I do the opposite.

I'm thinking about how any way that I can avoid school tommorow, but weighing my options I've already missed enough days to get warning letters about it. I would enjoy being able to sleep for weeks on end in the half-conscious sort of euphoria that you feel when you wake up but realize that you can sleep however long you want. That's a great feeling, when I think about it it's probably my favorite thing in the world to do, and I hate it, becuase I know that I'm just wallowing blissfully in my own worthlessness.

I read what I'm writing and I realize I'm just feeling sorry for myself, then I read that and think that knowing I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for myself while having completely in my power to do so is all the more reason to reenforce the idea that I am fucking useless. It's hard to describe but the circle of thougt eventually spirals into a desire to kill myself.

I can think of the times when I was genuinely happy, and thought it was stupid to feel otherwise. Now I feel the the opposite. Why the hell do my feeling not make any sense? I mean really, if I KNOW one thing to be true why the fuck do I not FEEL that way? I really don't understand it at all, I don't understand what I'm trying to articulate here. I could go back and forth in my head for hours, but a few constants remain:

1) I don't think I will ever be the kind of person that is happy with themselves and thier position in live.

2) I will die eventually.

3) The reasons that I think I should live for almost never justify the "effort."

I'm sure those things don't make sense, I'll read them latter and realize how stupid they are, but for the time being they illustrate how I'm feeling. Why should I try? If I don't want to exist why should I continue to? I know lots of arguments for all of the answers I can think of for these questions, and logically I conclude that suicide is the best of two evils. I know this, but I'm still here. I could do myself in any time now, I've got methods galore. I won't discuss them but just thinking about them; Bam, fatality, game fucking over, it all stops and I won't care at all. But I'm still here...?

Most people agree that suicide is wrong. They always give reasons and arguments that are all very convincing and most likely completely correct. Why don't I feel that way though? Logically I feel that I should kill myself, but logically I know that I'm depressed and people that are depressed do not usually think rationally. Logically I'm being illogical? What? I just read what I've been writing and none if it makes any fucking sense. I don't know what to say except I'm confused, I just don't know anymore. I would love to just will my problems away and be normal, but obviously I don't have it in my capacity do make my life any better.

I can think one thing and feel another thing and I have no idea why. I'm fairly certian that I'm not crazy but who fucking knows? I don't know how else to describe it. I can look at my actions and immediatly come up with a dozen reasons as to why they are wrong and what I should be doing, so I can do that but then I'm still doing it wrong. Everything I do is wrong, Everything. I can tell myself that I have self image problems, I'm not stupid, but then, I can't do the simple things that people do to not have self image problems.

I realize I'm going in circles now, I'm just going to stop. I am sorry for sounding stupid. I'd like to say don't bother with responces, but I'm pretty sure that I know I like all the attention I can get, so please post.


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
Well, you're obviously depressed.
However, you have a lot of insight into yourself (a good thing believe me) which means you can get yourself out of this.

Go to a doctor and get the depression sorted. Stop beating yourself up with the lack of motivation.

Like you, I have a problem with knowing what I should do and doing it. Sometimes think I should have my heart removed and just go with my head, my head is so sensible and get it done..my heart however, gets into why bother, sad, whats the point etc....The constant battle between the two is soooo wearing.

There is no disgrace in admitting you're depressed and need help...GO GET SOME.
yeah...me too....

it just illistrates how alike people think...and how many other people are going thru the saaaaaaaaaamme thought processes

but then again

it also demonstrates how many people out there that think like me...that wish they were the best at something like me...

and it just makes me feel that much more insignificant..
Wow, I was really upset last night. I feel better now and I appreciate the replies. Devestated, you described the whole head vs. heart issue perfectly. I wouldn't mind talking to a doctor or therapist, but how exactly am I susposed to "go to a doctor"? I can't just go on my own, and I don't want to explain why to anyone else. There are lots of people who I know would not understand, and I don't want to deal with them.
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