Motives and Means

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by effervescentpsyche, Feb 6, 2009.

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  1. effervescentpsyche

    effervescentpsyche Well-Known Member

    I did so much research on the perfect way to commit suicide...the best ways...spent days and days researching...eliminating...and there were some that would have been awesome and nearly painless and quick to do...but the materials are a little bit harder to come by.

    I did find a way though to do it now. A way that is basically easily and virtually painless. I want to do it...I've set my dates...I set my time to see my family one last time. I just don't see the point of living anymore. They always tell me they want me to live. They tell me to try another doctor, that they aren't ready for me to go. I'm ready for me to go though. I'm sorry that other people aren't ready. People die every damn day.

    There are people who die, that aren't ready to die...and by God I wish that I could have taken their place. I wish I would have gotten shot in the head by some killer instead of them. I would happily give my life for someone else who wanted to live, but I can not control that. The only thing I can control is what happens in my life to an extent.

    So now I have a couple of months to plan...gather all my materials...divide what little assets I have....and die.

    I just really don't see the point of life...we go to school, to work at a dead end job, to get a degree in something you really don't even want to get involved in, start a family just to discover that your husband is cheating on you and your kids end up hating you...or they grow up and don't need you. You're still working that dead end job that you hate and you hate yourself even more for not killing yourself years ago. You see your skin getting saggier, see your grey hair coming through, the bills keep piling up...and there's nothing else you can do.

    I don't want that to be me. The only future I see for myself is very grim. I just want to be dead and buried. It'll be better for the world, I'm just scum...barely anyone can stand me. I know I have my mom dad and sister that loves me...Guess 3 people in the world just isn't enough...especially when the person I need to love me the most hates me...and that person is me. So hopefully this time next year...they will say "Hey remember that one girl that killed herself?" Yes, everyone will barely remember me.
  2. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Many times I fail to see any reason or point to life.

    But sometimes you just have to keep on chugging, often your feelings will change.
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i've been all those places, that you've been.

    still not sure of a point. but there must be, a point to 'life'. and i'm curious. so i keep seeking.

    (darkly funny - i had a thought to go to the ''bad part'' of town and get in the middle of a drive-by situation. like 'try' to get 'hit'. . .) so i totally get where you are coming from.

    i hope you find support here - for sure here at s.f. we DO understand. we all totally know. so it is different, than talking to family - unless they have been where WE are, they will never truly, understand. most of them try - and that's great. but keep reaching out here - and you will discover many who walk in your shoes. we just try - to help each other. . . .i care what happens to you -
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I know how you feel, what is the point of life? I really don't give a shit about myself and if I was to die today no great loss.. The one thing I have found is that I care about other ppl. So I reply to as many members as I can because I care about the pain they are in. That is the only thing that keeps me going. My therapist told me That I don't care about myself and that I have given up...Well no shit, I already knew that. I think you need to find something in your life that you like to do and focus on that rather than commiting. It at least will ease how your family is thinking. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  5. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    Suffering, as far as I can tell, seems to be the whole point of this world. So we should try to stick it out until the last minute, whenever that is. After that, leave this prison and seek your freedom.
  6. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    effervescentpsyche, very well said. I'm impressed with your eloquence, your reasoning, and the unsentimental way you've sized up your future. Your situation and mine are, if not exactly the same, doubtless within spitting distance of each other. I'm going to bookmark your post and mull its contents over, as I ponder my own future and, dare I say, fate.

    However, having said all of the above, I do have a question: What sort of response are you looking for from the board? After all, you took the time to post a fairly detailed message, and it does not appear you're going to be all that willing to listen to any contrary viewpoints. (Not that I have any intention of offering one, of course, but there are some very smart people here who might.) To put it baldly, you've detailed your motives for ending your life quite eloquently, but I am unable to figure any "motive" for why you took the time to post this message. Possibly you are looking to be talked out of proceeding? As in, you've got some doubts you're not sharing? Far be it from me to play armchair psychologist beyond those haphazard guesses, so if you could kindly offer an explanation to that part I'd be most interested in reading it.

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