I did so much research on the perfect way to commit suicide...the best ways...spent days and days researching...eliminating...and there were some that would have been awesome and nearly painless and quick to do...but the materials are a little bit harder to come by. I did find a way though to do it now. A way that is basically easily and virtually painless. I want to do it...I've set my dates...I set my time to see my family one last time. I just don't see the point of living anymore. They always tell me they want me to live. They tell me to try another doctor, that they aren't ready for me to go. I'm ready for me to go though. I'm sorry that other people aren't ready. People die every damn day. There are people who die, that aren't ready to die...and by God I wish that I could have taken their place. I wish I would have gotten shot in the head by some killer instead of them. I would happily give my life for someone else who wanted to live, but I can not control that. The only thing I can control is what happens in my life to an extent. So now I have a couple of months to plan...gather all my materials...divide what little assets I have....and die. I just really don't see the point of life...we live...to go to school, to work at a dead end job, to get a degree in something you really don't even want to get involved in, start a family just to discover that your husband is cheating on you and your kids end up hating you...or they grow up and don't need you. You're still working that dead end job that you hate and you hate yourself even more for not killing yourself years ago. You see your skin getting saggier, see your grey hair coming through, the bills keep piling up...and there's nothing else you can do. I don't want that to be me. The only future I see for myself is very grim. I just want to be dead and buried. It'll be better for the world, I'm just scum...barely anyone can stand me. I know I have my mom dad and sister that loves me...Guess 3 people in the world just isn't enough...especially when the person I need to love me the most hates me...and that person is me. So hopefully this time next year...they will say "Hey remember that one girl that killed herself?" Yes, everyone will barely remember me.