Mouse-Man, Like Dinosaur, Too Old and Too Stupid to Live.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Hatshepsut, Apr 25, 2014.

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  1. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I'm playing games with using computers to talk about suicide when I'm not definite of purposes. This is bad. I know that Taweret was the Egyptian birth goddess, a hippopotamus. So, I was protected. Now I have blown my life out with irresponsible behavior for long enough that likely it cannot be retrieved. I had temper tantrums as kid, but I want to blame the bullies or what not. The first tantrums preceded any bully encounters. I talk funny and slow. Quadriplegic Steven Hawking couldn't talk at all without a voice synthesizer. He became a prominent physicist. I won't become anything other than idle, unproductive, and drawing resources out of increasingly limited American social welfare, due to my immaturity. Basically, I am lazy. I am a psychopath who doesn't even know how to play people. So, I know I will be destroyed.

    I should get over pretension and just say why I have started posting here. I need to be careful because minors can view it. But any site on the topic of suicide has mature themes. It has to, because killing yourself or saying that you will is deadly serious business. I'm not actively suicidal now.

    I already posted stories on other sites. They can't be reproduced here within the rules. Also, they are not fully honest as they don't admit the role I am playing in my own descent. An early step as a teenager was abandoning my mother to go to another U.S. state and leaving her wondering whether I was still alive. This isn't good, because I repeated it about three times over subsequent years. I won't talk about smoking, drinking, drugs. I haven't done them for one year. I used to go to AA but that was my lie to get a nice AA gentleman to befriend me and provide material assistance covering my improvidence. I doubt I'm really an alcoholic. The 1939 AA Big Book is out of date. It's true no one self-identified as alcoholic back in AA's founder days. Today many do so because alcoholism has been "legitimized" as a cause for personal failure. My real reason for failing is called amotivation and has no justifications. So, be an "alcoholic" instead and I could sponge. That game is long over with and won't see a reprise. I can also omit the soppy stories of anuses, unused parking garages slept in, streets, jails, Salvation Armies, all dripping with self-pity. God will destroy me soon so I can reach hell and burn, like a male witch burns. I have it pretty good now, a single room that the government pays for, although I don't qualify for or use cash benefits and food stamps. I am lucky the building I live in takes new tenants from the streets; in most U.S. towns this isn't true of subsidy housing.

    I've also lied to my family and friends who care about me and have been good to me. They don't know what's up with me now, that I stopped attending school and my academic career is almost certainly over for good. I've used up the financial aid and don't have the degree. That's neither here nor there, but I'm pretending to my folks like I'm still in classes and doing fine. They will inevitably discover the truth. It will hurt my mother. She is old.

    I didn't grow up in an abusive home, and despite few riches, I had food in my bowl, and rode in a car to go places, and grandparents. I never owned a car after leaving home. I have good cognition like most of my relatives--and no one else in my family has made fee simple failure of responsibility the way I have. They have homes, jobs, incomes, marriages, children, intellectual friends, and do what they are supposed to do but I don't.

    I know it but somehow I don't care. I'm getting tired. I'm older, 50 now, and this crap in my pattern is refractory to positive change. I am a rabbit, not a man.

    It was just humpus in rumpus to any knight with a gluey worm thing wishing to enter. It's been a long time dormant, but that matters little, when God abominates it. I will burn. In no wise is the body God gives to be misused.

    I am living off savings and student loan funds from the school where I never graduated. These will last about a year or two with metered use--at least I'm not spendthrifty. When they are exhausted, I have poorly formed plans to buy a revolver. Taweret was the Egyptian birth goddess, a hippopotamus. I don't even have the guts to go kill myself. It's disgusting.

    ,
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Never too late to ask for help ok go to the councilor at your school and get a stay on your course tell them the truth you are not well mentally that way your year will not be a failure your courses will be put on hold until you can come back and finish them when you are well.
    You can make better choices for You ok don't let depression or pull you so far under it will only take more energy to get pulled out again
    GET SUPPORT NOW don't harm the ones that you care about ok by leaving tell them now about your struggles they will understand and support you
     
  3. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    It actually is too late as the school year is over, but that doesn't really matter now. Nor will I ask mother or father for support. They are old enough to need support themselves, and my brother will have to carry that function by himself. Mainly, I just to write something to pass time. Thanks, everyone.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well it is good to write here then it help to release thoughts and emotions
     
  5. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I'm 50 now and accumulated a lot of problems. I've had my allotted trips through the school system and through the mental health systems and don't have any diagnosable disabilities or mental ailments anyhow. Both those systems are through with me, and I will do the remaining business alone. Thanks everyone.
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just want you to know you're being heard. Here if you ever feel like talking. :hug:
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    systems have no right to judge you or be through with you We will always be here ok i am old too but that does not give us reason hun to give up
    I am glad you came here You deserve support and care just like everyone does you do not have to fight this on your own ok
     
  8. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Very much thanks. I asked the site manager to delete this thread. Everyone dies. I had a long time to live already, and much of the life I have is a blessing. I probably won't die for a while, not for 12 or 20 more years. I need to go, and wanted to thank everybody here.
     
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't need to go; you're more than welcome to post here, to reach out for support.
     
  10. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    they really should remove my name here. I chose Hatshepsut the woman-king of Egypt and a ladybug, but I'm a man--they could call that impersonating. Hatshepsut assumed male iconography when she mounted the throne. It was deadly, like cobras. When she died, Thutmose became king and smashed all her Osirides in the temple and began erasing her name. When your name is erased, then you die in the afterworld and I liked that story. I'm going to go to Denver tomorrow, to see my dad. I don't know if I miss the plane. I don't want to talk with them because my mouth is no good. But again, thanks to every one here--I won't be able to look on this site until about May 10 since they don't use computers. I believe I will be okay until then.
     
  11. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I want to thank everyone who answered here. I'm not really in a crisis, I guess. Or it's kinda like the Apollo 13. When the LOX in the Service Module blew up, they said "Houston, we have a problem." The crew on the Apollo were brave, not mouse. They had a long time to plan how to try to come back down to the Earth, they lived about 5 days or something like that in the crippled ship, and made it back down safe. I like that story.

    I'm getting ready to leave for Denver, so I will come back and look here May 8 or 9, after that. My dad doesn't use computers.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2014
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