moving away

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by oval, May 23, 2011.

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  1. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    im gonna be moving away from home soon. ive always had a weird relationship with my father. ive come to the point where somehow i feel exposed when i smile and look at him. i hate myself for thinking that way and i dont know why i do.
    now the thing is, my father is 80 and im turning 20. his health has seen better days but he is still doing well on his own. from age 7 on i have always been scared that he might not wake up the next day and i would be sent to orphanage. i checked if he was breathing at night.
    i want to live my own life now and be happy but then again.. he is very old and i feel like i know exactly where this is going.
    im not happy here but i feel so awful for leaving him alone. how much time will we have together, how many times will i be able to call, what will he do on christmas? and no that we do have time together, i cant talk to him and show him any affection.
    but at the same time i cant talk to him. we have never been able to talk without it feeling awkward and kind of wrong. i dont know how to talk to him.
    i feel like im saying goodbye forever and he is the only family i have left. im jealous of everyone that has parents that are in their 40s or 50s. it makes me really mad
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have to live your life now okay He has lived his life and if you need to move to do that then i say go for it. hugs
     
  3. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    thank you for your response TE.
    i just feel like i will always be blaming myself for leaving him and not having more time with him and for not being able to get over my disability to talk to him and to show affection once "that" time does come
    i still blame myself for not behaving better when i was younger and not spending more time with my mom and grandma
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not to blame for how your feel hun if need be talk to a therapist okay to sort out all these emotions but you do need to live your life your father will u nderstand that much guilt feeling i have many and they only drag me deeper into despair talk to your dad okay just open conversation telling him you like to live your life now and is there anyway he can be a part of you moving forward hugs
     
  5. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I agree with above, you have to live your life to.

    Can you get someone to come in a couple times a week to look in on him? That may ease your anxiety of him being alone for long periods of time.
     
  6. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    i will try to explain it to him again i guess. unfortunately his defense mechanism is to isolate himself and to pretend i didnt exist, saying he feels like he doesnt have a daughter and that we will probably never see each other again or that if my mom was here, she would be disappointed with me

    he refuses help though. the only help he said he wuld want would be from a family member rather than from a social worker and the like. the only family he has is me and his brother who is 3 years older and dying from cancer
     
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Ouch LS, Im sorry.

    Does he suffer from demenia, or was he words always cruel? Either way I know those words are harsh to hear. Im sorry that you have to go through this.

    If your not there, will he have the options to turn down help? Have you thought of looking into a home, maybe with others his age would help him out? All in all, you have to decide what you want to do for you, you still have ALOT of years that your going to be here and dont want you to accept that you have to live with this just because he is your parent.
     
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you checked with his doctor about putting him in a nurseing home.. My parents weren't keen on the idea either but once they were there for a while they started makeing friends..There back with my sister now because her husband died..Now they just sit in there recliners and stare at the TV.. They have no more friends, they don't get any exercise either..At least at the ALF they had choices..
     
  9. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    oh he would never agree on going to a nursing home. he bought this house when he was 20 and hes so proud of it that he will never let go of it. going to a nursing home is his biggest fear.
    he also doesnt want a maid even though his apartment could use it. (to sort out confusion, i live two stories above him in a seperate apartment with a neighbor living inbetween us. he owns the building.) he doesnt get along with the neighbor too well anymore though and asking her to look after him would be too much to ask. after all we only tell each other hi when i see her in the stairway.
    he also still drives his car but has trouble lifting his arms and almost got us in an accident once bc he couldnt grab the steering wheele while turning. so thats another factor that concerns me. hes also fixated on his weight for some crazy reason and eats little, so he is pretty boney also. he has polyarthritis and heart problems.
    but the worst will still be him being all by himself. but i know he wont go to a nursing home, that i can garuntee
     
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