Moving on and feeling guilty and depressed about it...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by deferred dream, Jan 16, 2010.

  1. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    I got married on November 25th. Normally, people should be happy for you, right? For some reason, several of my main sources of support seemed to actually be unhappy for me, one of them being my mom who I care about even though I really shouldn't. Anyway, getting married naturally means moving on with your life and moving away with your spouse so I'm going to move to Kentucky to be with him. However, as soon as it became a true reality that I'd be moving, I got intensely, suicidally depressed. I've been trying to figure out why I could possibly be sad about starting a new, promising chapter of my life, but I think I may have figured out why. Ever since I was about 12 (pre-puberty, a very important time in a kid's life), my mom has always said things that would make me feel guilty about moving away from her, saying things like "Oh, I don't know how I can keep living once you're away." and "I guess I'll never be able to leave the house again once you move." so naturally, as a good child, I wanted her to be happy and that meant that I would stay close. I stayed in town for 2.5 years at a community college just so I would be near, then I only went 100 miles away for university. Now, it's not an option to stay near. There is nothing left for me in this state; it's time to move on. But when it became a reality that I was leaving my past behind, I just started crumbling - intense depression, crying every single night, pushing my husband away as much as I possibly could, inflicting self harm, either starving myself or binge eating, and I couldn't explain exactly why I felt this way!

    I think it's because my mom beat that guilt into my head for 10 years and when it was time to face the fact that I was going to have to deal with exactly what she made me feel guilty for, everything inside me rebelled against it and wanted me to figure out some way to stay where I am, and I almost accomplished that by pushing my husband away, but I think I finally have control of the situation. I thought about it, and that is the reason I feel I was so unhappy. I have to let it go, though. My mother was a source of financial support and very little emotional support and I will be so much better off if I allow myself to move on, and I need to do it without guilt. This is my life and I have to live it. I can't allow her to ruin it.

    It's as if the clouds have finally rolled away...I feel like I can maybe see the future coming again and it's bright instead of black.

  2. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Good on you :thumbup: I wish you well for your new future.