I am 45 years of age, and the youngest of 5 siblings. None of my family had any respect for me and while growing up my parents were physically and emotionaly abusive to us all. I was the scapegoat, so my mum once said. Everyone took out thier anger on me, right up until my thrities. I lost the ability to spot when someone was violtating my boundaries because when I did try to object to their bulying, I was just called a baby, and put down, and made to feel it was my fault. When talking to my mum about it last year, her words were "I could have treated you better but I was gettting nagged" meaning that my dad was abusive to her, so she took it out on me, and expects me just to move on even though she said I would not get an apology from my family. My family think I can go to them with any problems, for instance, they would help me financially if I got stuck. The thing is, I don't feel I can go to them for help, even though I may be in financial trouble soon. I stopped phoning my mum last year, but she doesnt know the reason why. As well as admitting she treated me bad, but told me to move on, was one thing, the other thing was that she told me they kept me little. I have not been able to speak to my mum about this because she wants me to move on and it wouldnt do any good telling her anyway. I want to commit suicide, but I am worried that my family will blame themselves, as deep down, they must have known they bullied me, it was so blatant. The bullying isnt the only reason I want out, but its relevant to my note. I don't want them to feel guilty for the rest of their lives, as I would hate that. Because of the rules, I am not asking for any adivce on what to put on my suicide note as that is for me to decide. I am safe right now, and am always scared of mentioning my suicide in case the authorities are called. IF they came to my house tonight, there would be nothing to see.